the child of darkness

the void

The world around me was a void. Full of nothing and no one but darkness. There was no noise and I couldn't even sense myself. Physically I was there but mentally I was not. I felt something even more perplexing it gave the void an eerie feeling. It was alive. The void that held the surroundings and enveloped me was living but to what extent I didn't know. The very air around me seemed to react with my thoughts, at least that's what I sensed as the air now seemed to be focusing on me and not my thoughts. I tried to call out to whatever was focused on me, with a body I somehow didn't have, I could feel my stomach, my mouth opening forming into words but nothing coming out. I was mute. My mouth had formed those silent coherent words. Each with a devastating linger that drained all hope from the world and the void as it wept for the innocence of a man's heart.

I soon gave up on trying to communicate as I did so the world began to dissipate and haze out of my view and my mind. I tried to divert my attention form the tension of the void and the air. I felt the world pulsate again for the third time. As I walked, I rubbed my arms and kept my glittering blue eyes on the masses ahead of me, various shadows floated their way past me on this empty boulevard of broken dreams each with a story to tell...yet I couldn't stop to question each destroyed shadow that passed me, destroyed by the thoughts of death and the thoughts conjured the blackness within for a world of despair and heartbreak.                                                                             

Then to my surprise I was stood still, now focusing on a store that had caught my attention. Something about that one store among the dozens of rows, more had caught my eye: maybe it was the T.V itself, maybe it was the show playing on the T.V or maybe it was the colourful characters of the show with their happy carefree faces in their innocent little world maybe just maybe a part of me so longed for a world like that, I was such a quiet and ordinary girl that flowed with the crowd but fate had a different plan ahead for me, a plan of destruction and rebelliousness.

The skies were grey and the world had nothing in this void of despair. Invisibility met the darkness in my mind, never knowing if it would ever be alright. I had nothing to live for, I may as well have gone and disappeared out that strange idea of a world because I would have been better off dead. "I wish you would just hurry up and take me away from this world, I don't want to be here no more, I can't do it anymore, please help me end this life. Come on death." the thoughts of death conjured a feeling, a strong unpleasant feeling. The feeling of strangulation. I felt like I was drowning with the fear of death and the stress of life. But there was a strangling thought that overpowered all others, I tried to hide it but it kept coming back.

Life was like the weather, everyone wants happiness and no one wants pain but you can't have a rainbow without a little rain. I thought this again and again making sure it sunk into my deranged mind. My mind was spinning in a balanced cycle of happy and depressing thoughts each with an option to offer towards each feeling and thought that went round. Sometimes the sad parts were stronger and other times the happy parts were stronger but most of the time the sad part overruled this cold and empty life held by the eternity lasting love that I held so dear to my heart and mind. I couldn't help but wonder about those depressing thoughts as I walked the streets of London on this dark night but no matter how far I walked death was always there right behind me watching my every move and all I did was hope that at some point he would stop me in my travels and stop me in my life long journey by cutting my days short but the more I wished the longer I stayed. God was punishing me into staying every day possible because he knew I could make it even if I didn't.

There were black skies, black clouds, black minds and black hearts. The souls of every creature beyond me were darker than a midnight mist. The fog overwhelmed the town around me and soon I was blinded by the horror of blackness.

My heart was throbbing and my brain was pulsing with too many thoughts. My senses had gone and I felt zombified by the life of black. Just as I had thought of this dark and dangerous life my feet fell beneath me and my eyes closed rapidly. Nothing could have prepared for what had happened. Even though I had been asking death for so long to end my life I wasn't ready for it.

Death is a mysterious shadow, who lurks on the weak and feeds on the strong. And I was the weak but I was thought to be the strong which meant that he would only lurk on me and not feed on me, I thought that my pain would be enough to encourage the decapitated figure known as death to come and take me as his own as I have true horrors in my life, horrors that no one else could possibly imagine would happen to someone like me. I was stuck in the dangerous part of my life and I was frozen in this void, I couldn't escape this darkness from within.

I will forever be the child of the darkness.