I don't remember when I met you, where, why.
I only remember you.
***
I fell in love with it all, your blue, blue eyes, your smile, laugh, your crazy hair and that tiny little triangle tattooed on your ankle.
It grew, in my mind, into something much more. I fell in love with the idea of you.
"You fall in love with the little things about someone, like the sound of their laugh, and the way their smile forms..."
I was so convinced you looked at me in a certain way, that you may feel the same. But what I didn't realise, was that I was reaching for the stars.
"The best feeling is when you look at him. & He is already staring."
I lived in a dream world, it was so much better then reality, my heart grew, my love grew, and so did the strength of the pain that awaited me.
You were like the sun; you were the one keeping me alive, but you were also the one that would end up killing me.
I had one year, one precious year. Everything with you was my first and my last.
One day then, in early spring; it hit.
It was all a dream, all a fantasy, my head had been in the clouds, I was nothing to you, I was never enough.
~ I'm going through something most people would say isn't real; but for me, it's one of the most vivid things I've experienced. Some would call it love, others, obsession. I'd say it's a bit of both. It's taken over my life I'm good ways and bad, I've had his world in my hands so many times, but the last thing I'd want to do is hurt him, even if he's hurting me.
That's called love. ~
You were leaving, far too soon. My year was coming to an end. For once in my life I dreaded the warm summer months, because they signalled your departure. I wanted to stay wrapped up in the cold, icy winter and feel your warmth in my heart.
~ The fiery days have grown cold, the switch has flicked, the tides have turned. I'm the one still sitting on the beach while you get washed out into the world.~
I would get to stay and watch your shadow linger, to breath the air you once had.
Although the pain of your leaving was suffocating, I had this feeling, this undeniable bead of warmth: we would meet again. It might be years, decades, or even in another lifetime. But we will meet again.
***
This will be the autumn of goodbye, no matter what I do, my eyes will always be searching for you. My fingers will absently trace your name, but when the autumn winds start to blow and the leaves turn to copper, you will move south to start a new life.
I will sit and remember it all, I'll watch the leaves flutter down, my life will cover the memories, but,
I will never forget you.
"It's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember."
And the one thing I'll never forget, is the feeling that I had when I looked at you.
~ I will remember,
I will let go,
But I will never forget.~
For now I will be haunted by the grey October ghost.
The grey October ghost,
Just a shadow in my mind.
I see you standing there;
Against the redwood wall,
But then I realise: the walls completely bare.
You are faraway,
Down the western coast,
And what I see against the wall,
Is the grey October ghost.
What does remain with me is a tiny bit of doubt; was it even real, just for a second?
"Didn't you flash your blue eyes at me?"
"I found wonderland, you and I got lost in it.
And I pretended it, would last forever."
And at last: I cry. I cry for the unshed tears, I cry for what was, what is.
But mostly,
I cry for what could have been.
Then I say goodbye.
He looked at you one last time with his infinite blue eyes, and walked out into the world.
You look at the empty space that once was him, and realise you'll have to face the bare, raw reality alone.
"It's scary," you hear his voice whisper,
"But your brave."
And with that, the voice was gone.
May we meet again gt.
