The Asylum

Chapter One: Unholy Beginnings

       My gaze follows the blurring scene outside the passenger window of my mother's pickup. My arm is slung limply over the windowsill, gently bouncing with each bump of the long dirt road under us. My hair is caught in the breeze, gently whipping and whirling about around my face. Per usual, my right leg is bouncing up and down against the floorboards, somehow giving me a small sense of comfort.

Looking over to my mother, I notice that she seems overly worried. Almost immediately, she takes notice of my burning stare and I roll up my window so I will be able to hear her speak. "What, Alex? What now?" She asks me, shrugging her shoulders in defeat. "Huh? What the heck are you talking about?" I question, genuinely confused. " You know very well what I mean. Your 'episodes' have gotten worse. This is the fifth time in three months you've had to go back." I cringe at her pause before "episodes". She hates referring to them as what they are; Panic attacks, anxiety attacks, days without eating, speaking, or even leaving my room. They haven't gotten "worse" either; it's the self harm she's talking about.

I had been self harming since I was 12, putting me at a record 7 years of doing so. I was afraid to use razors at first, and when I did start using them, my cuts were very shallow. Lately, I had been cutting deeper and deeper.The staff at the asylum wanted me back ASAP when I had to get 15 stitches down my right forearm last week. I've tried many times to quit, but it's become a horrible addiction. Self harm is the only way I have found to cope with the immense pain all of my disorders bring.

The worst side affect of them all is the panic attacks I get from my PTSD. As a young girl, my older brother did things to me I will never be able to forget. Really, it was more what he allowed to happen to me. When I was 13, he had told Mom and my step dad that he would take me out with some of his buddies for the afternoon. Even though he was my step brother, I somehow admired how carefree and adventurous he was at just 17. Without much hesitation, I hopped down the front steps and into the backseat of his range rover, finding myself situated in between two of his friends, with another sitting passenger. His friends were cool too, and always treated me with respect. Looking at my brother through the rearview mirror, I questioned where we were headed that day as he pulled away from the sidewalk where he had his car parked. I managed to hear him say, "It's a surprise," mixed in with a few deep chuckles from the others.

After 15 minutes I had fallen asleep to the gentle hum of the engine. I found myself awakening on the shoulder of Finn, one of the guys who I happened to have a bit of a crush on. As the vehicle came to a stop, he handed me a bandanna. "Here, put this over your eyes. You aren't allowed to see the surprise yet." He whispered with a smirk, as if telling me a secret only he and I could know. I complied and tied the fabric around my head, instantly heightening my other senses due to my lack of sight. I felt his rough hand grab my forearm, gently rubbing some of my self harm scars before guiding me out of the vehicle. I hear the crunch of leaves under me and the sweet smell of sap carried along the crisp autumn breeze. "W-why are we in the woods?" I question, my voice quivering when I begin to realize that this may not be the adventure I had hoped for it to be.

After a few more minutes of shuffling through piles of leaves scattered on the ground beneath us, I feel Finn pull me to a halt. I suspect we are positioned in one of the small clearings throughout the expanse of the woods, deep in the cover of trees. The worry has continued boiling under my skin but I dare not move, for I wouldn't get too far when being chased by a pack of overly masculine high schoolers.

The blindfold is suddenly pulled from my eyes, causing me to squint at the sudden exposure I have to the fading light of the October sunset in front of us. Me being so focused on how quickly we are running out of natural light, and it seems no one has brought a flashlight. My gut was hoping that nothing else was going to happen, but deep down I knew we were this deep in the woods for a reason. I am torn from my thoughts of terror and no escape when I am pushed to the ground from behind, the impact on my front side knocking the wind clear out of me. When I finally catch my breath, I look up to see my brother staring at me blanking, no emotion to be found in his eyes. Then I hear noises behind me and the fear starts to swell rapidly in the pit of my stomach once more: zippers and buttons being undone. The hem of my shorts is being yanked on.

That bastard! He let them rape me! "Alex! Seriously, have you even listened to a word I've said?!" I hear Mom's voice slowly edging me back into reality, but I am still half lost in my thoughts. The voices are here again. They're back. "Alex? Hello? Is there any part of you listening to me at all?!" They are getting louder. I can feel an attack coming, and it'll be a big one. My throat is starting to close up, and my heart is pounding out of my chest. "Mom, pull the car over." I squeak out at a barely audible whisper. "What? No! I have been driving for almost two days and I am not stopping now!" As my mother's voice continues to raise in protest, so does the volume of the voices in my head. My words start out as a low mumble, but become louder with each passing second. " No, no, no, No, NO,NO, NO!" I start to scream and kick as the attack takes over my body and I lose all control. The last thing I hear is my mom muttering "Oh, Shit." through clenched teeth as she swerves the vehicle off to the side of the road.