Numb

26 days ago

I make sure the bathroom door is locked 3 times.

I open the second drawer and strategically remove the pointless items onto the sink counter until all that's left is the razor that I hid so well.

I stole it from dad's old toolbox. (One of the few things he accidentally left behind when he left us)

I shiver as my fingertips lightly touch the cold metal.

The razor looks sharp. Sharper then what I remembered.

I wait.

I look to see what time it is.

2:04 am

I sighed, but mentally scold myself for breathing so loud, remembering that Mom and River are sleeping.

"Sorry." I apologize to myself.

Most of my conversations involved me talking to myself-

"Enough stalling." I whisper.

I begin to think about how much it might hurt, as I closely examine the shiny piece.

I googled the word pain yesterday.

Pain: physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness; distressing sensation in your body; mental or emotional suffering or torment.

I knew death was a common side affect of severe pain, but I never knew how severe this pain would be as a side affect of my sister's death.

I wince as I begin to remember it all.

I look at the razor again.

True. The cuts will hurt but it can't be worse than what I'm feeling now.

And maybe just for a second, this will take it away.

I slightly nod.

It'll feel like kisses compared to this hell.

I assure myself.

I mentally count to three.

1.....

2.....

*Knock Knock Knock*

"Honey?" My mom said in a tired, raspy voice.

I quickly throw the razor back in the drawer and pile stuff on top of it to conceal it the same way it was hidden before.

"You okay in there?"

I flush the toilet acting as if I was using the bathroom.

I unlock and swing the door open. And flash my mom a tired, fake smile.

"Yeah. I'm fine, just had to use the bathroom.

I turn on the fossett and wash my hand. Signaling that the conversation was over.

Without another word we both went to our rooms and went to bed.

But I kept myself up for another hour or so thinking.

Thinking about anything and everything.

I don't hate myself. I just hate my life.

Life for me wasn't always like this.

I wasn't always messed up-

I take it back. I was always messed up. It was just never this bad.