Moments

     My name is chaz. My parents had passed away 3 years ago because of car crashed. It is not a very long time, my girlfriend left me as she had a cancer. Now, I have no one in my life. I could not suicide. People around me said I have to move on. That’s life. I have to confront everything myself. It’s hard for me but i know I have to no matter how hard it is. There might be something behind everything that happened. I live on my own. I moved to New York. It’s the best place for me to find who I am after everything happened broke me, myself and I. 5 month live in NY makes me feels better. I met a girl. A girl who don’t know what does SAD meant..    

     Here’s a girl name Caitlin, the girl who will never let her smile disappears. She won’t ever be in trap of love again. She was very happy of her life. Life with no boys that keep telling her what she have to do and what she have not. A strong girl with a lot of motto in her life. This girl keep reminding herself not to let even just a single guy break her happy life. No, that should not be. She dream big no matter how impossible it is because it’s the only thing that can cheer her up. Just imagine everything that could not happen makes her smile. When she upset, all she have to do is just crying and day-dreaming. Imagine that she is telling everything to “him”. Her crush that will never be hers.  She is an happy girl. She smile even she have a lot of things that could not makes a girl happy but her. She is different at all. She makes everyone smile.    

       As I walk slowly around NY city, I saw her. She was happily singing with some other kids. She is such an angel who have to cheer every person in this world. I smiled alone then walked to her. She smile. Behind the pretty smiled, there was sorrow that makes me stop of smiling I could not ask her because she might be mad as usual. I am proud of this strong girl. “hey loner. Sup boy? Why with that sad face?” she greet me with a smiled.  I was just smile. She light up my world, she is the reason of my smile. Keep thinking about her makes me smile. Am I in love? That is the only question in my head now.    

             In the middle of the night, I went to her house to get my phone. I left it when I was in her house. i called her name 3 times and I thought, she had already slept so I went away but then she opened the door and called my name. she looked pale and seems like she was crying. I thought. I came to her and hug her tightly and she cried even more. I held her and sit her  to the sofa , takes her some water and make her a little comfortable. I want to ask her what is happening but this is not the right time. “can u lend your shoulder for me?” she asked me with a smile. She still can smile. That’s what makes her beautiful. “I can’t lend something yours” I smiled and pull her closer. She went on “I can live no longer. I am happy that finally I meet someone that cares about me. Someone who can sees everything through my eyes. Thanks for makes me smile. U light up my world after him. He left me because of…” “because of what? And why the heck u said u can live no longer? What does that suppose to be means?” I interrupted. She smiled and continued “her mother wanted him to stave off me.. just forget about it. “ she smiled. I was overwhelmed. She is so perfect. Why do she hate her? I dont know and now I felt like I am truly in love with this girl..    

               Now, she is in hospital. She is sick. Now, I understand why do she cried and said he can live no longer. As what doctor said, she had cancer. Why she never told me? I blame myself. I should have find this out by myself. All I have to do now is pray for her on and on. i remembered that night I ask her to promise me not to leave me and she just smile. she say nothing than smile. I am waiting outside of the room. Waiting for the doctor to tell me a good news that makes me smile. I am praying.. still praying for her. I won’t lose her. Now, she is everything to me. the doctor came to me and apologized as he can’t help her. The doctor gave me a piece of paper.            

  “Dear, you are reading this? I am sorry i left u. u are reading this and I am just can watch u here. I love you.. I can’t promise not to leave u because I know my fate. I cried myself every night because I wont leave u or hurt u but I know I have to no matter how hard I tried. Each moments of us makes me smile and thank you for everything that you have done. I will never forget about that. Trust me. dear, life must go on. I wasn’t beside u doesn’t meant I wasn’t behind u right? I am right behind you. I am here watching u. don’t cry.. I am sorry.. I will pray that someday someone will replace me and makes u happy. I am so sorry we can’t achieve our dreams together. Even though I wasn’t there, I know u can do it because I will always behind and support u. I am so happy when I am with u. i can be everything I want. Thanks for supporting me through everything that come up in my life. Whenever anything happened there is always u who come first. Thanks. If u miss me, just look up and take a look at the stars and the moon. U said, the stars are beautiful likes me and the moon are shining so bright when we were together. Thanks.. u asked me once, will I be with u forever? I wasn’t answered. I can see you were disappointed. Chaz, the answer is till the day of the last day of the last person in the entire world. Trust me I love you more than u do and more that u know. If we could only have this life only just for one more day, I want u to cuddle me and I want to tell you how much u meant to me. if I knew, yesterday the last day of us, I will spent the 24 hours with u. u are the reason of my life. Don’t waste my life. I love you..”     

This letter gives me strength to live. I won’t waste her life. Maybe in reality she is not exist anymore but in my heart she stay forever.. I love you Caitlin ;’)