Suffocate

TWO

FIRSTS

I remember our first kiss like it was yesterday.

I just wanted him to do it already. When he was walking me back to my car on our first date, I intentionally stalled on leaving after getting inside the vehicle. With the window rolled down, he had his arms resting on the door. I waited for him to make the first move.

I told her I had a good time tonight. And she told me she did, too. I lingered by her window, before deciding to lean in for a kiss. I was scared. Scared that I was moving too fast, and that I would ruin something before it even happened. But she didn't move away, she instead, closed the gap between our lips. I think we were both eager to do it. It just felt so right.

It felt like magic. I felt like I was in a movie, and there were fireworks exploding all around us. All time came to a stop when our lips met and it was the best feeling ever. If I could take that moment and play it on video, I would have it on repeat. It was just the most absolute perfect kiss ever. If I hadn't have been sitting in my car, my foot probably would've popped up like most girls' do in the movies when they kiss someone they've been wanting to for so long. Except I didn't have to wait that long to kiss the person I wanted to.

Sparks were flying.

When we finally broke apart, she still had her hand resting on the side of my face. Her fingers brushed against my jaw while our foreheads leaned against each other. Her touch lit fires across my skin and there was no putting it out. "I'll call you." I told her, and she nodded slowly.

I was falling hard and fast. It was too late to pull the parachute. I was either going to fall to my death or slowly into his arms. I wanted it to be the second one.

Once I stepped away from her car to finally let her go, she smiled at me and I watched her start her car, putting it into motion before taking off down the street until she disappeared. As I was left standing there in the middle of the street, I could still feel the touch of her lips on mine. They tingled, causing me to lift my hand up to feel them, in a state of awe. It was a strange feeling, one I'd never gotten before in my life.

After that, everything changed.

It was like our lips never left each other, and I didn't mind it that much; or at all for that matter. We weren't heavy on the PDA, but behind closed doors, it was like our lips were magnets, and we didn't even try to fight against the pulls. We were attracted to each other. My apartment or his, it didn't matter. As long as the other person was there, everything was okay.

We could lay around for hours in bed if we didn't have things to do outside of our little world. It didn't have to be intimate for us to be in bed together. Our usual states would be laying on our sides, chest to chest. Her head would be pressed against me, her ear where my heart was because she said she liked to hear it beating. My arms would be wrapped around her body, pulling her close to me. The blankets would be kicked off to the floor, because the warmth we provided for each other was enough. It was a position we took too often during the times we were able to just sit down and relax.

Like the Savage Garden song goes, I was truly, madly, deeply, in love with him. More so than I should've been. He was the one thing always on my mind and it comforted me that I had the same effect on him. Every first with us felt like it was the first time ever. Once I let him have all of me, there was no going back. So when I finally did, it was a moment spent basking in every little detail. There were memories stored in my brain of his touch on me, my touch on him, the feelings exchanged, the love in the air. If I close my eyes, I could see the image of him under my eyelids, he was a sight to see. "I love you." I told him.

"I love you, too." I said back to her, my voice below a whisper, because they were words only meant for her to hear. When my hand reached up to gently brush her hair back, I studied the way her eyes fluttered closed as I ran my fingers through her hair. She wrapped her legs around my body and pulled me closer to her. With both hands holding my face, I let her fingertips brush over every dip and surface of my eyes, mouth, and nose. She did this for a while before slowly lifting her head up, both our eyes fluttering closed, as she placed a soft kiss on my forehead.

"Will you make love to me?" I asked, and he nodded his head. The corners of my lips turned up just the smallest bit. "Okay." I said softly.

It was like I was under her command. The way I fell to my knees for her was something I wouldn't even realize I was doing until I was doing it. She was like an addiction. I always wanted her, and I couldn't stop the want. Our first time was one that I only wanted to keep between us. All the times my friends had tried to get it out of me how things were in bed were failures. I wanted to keep what went on between me and her, just that. Between us, as it should be.

I could feel the love being returned. The trust. The respect. The faith. Those were the most important things to me in a relationship. Nothing else mattered to me as long as those four things remained.

Love. Trust. Respect. Faith.

We were always together. See one of us at a party, you'll see the other attached at the hip. We became widely referred to within our friend groups as not just Luke or Alex, but Alex and Luke. And I didn't mind that reference, I quite liked it a lot. As long as I had her, I was fine.

I liked the thought of us growing old together. I could see it. I could see myself spending every last moment of my life with this person. I would think some days about him finally getting a ring and proposing, something I didn't think about often, in fact I always hated thinking about weddings and what kind of dress I'd wear and what I'd do. It just wasn't my thing. But all of a sudden, it was.

I could've spent the rest of my life with you. But I wouldn't.