Wild flowers::Yoonmin

31st of December, 2017.

31st of December, 2017

Dear Jimin,

Before I say anything, I love you. I love you more than flowers, more than the beach, more than the stars, more than myself. My love for you will never end. It's like the ineffable feeling that I just can't get rid of. Loving you was learning how to walk all over again . I could write a million reasons why I love you and that I wouldn't be enough, I could tattoo my love onto every inch of skin of my body and it still wouldn't be enough. You make me a different person. A better person.

Your anatomy is like a painting. A painting that would make Vincent Van Gogh or Leonardo Di Vinci's paintings look like child's play. You were the bright blues and dark indigos that filled my summer day. The pretty pink and whites that where my spring clouds. The maroon and dark yellows that were my crisp autumn mornings. The periwinkle and soft grays that warmed my cold winter nights. You were beautiful. You were art.

My biggest accomplishment is you — not the sold out albums, not the shiny awards. It was you. You with that beautiful smile that could light up the street lamps at night or even the world. It was you with that over sized hoodie and that alpine buttercup in your hand. I stumbled into love with you.

"Do you trust me?" You asked with a soft voice. That soft voice that I loved so much. It was soft, soft like silk. I nodded. You grabbed my hands and dragged me to a garden filled with daisies, tulips, roses, and alpine buttercups. Alpine buttercups were your favorite flower. You picked up a daisy and placed in my hair with that bright smile you always had.

Your hair was messy brown, strands of hair sticking out, your clear framed glasses kept slipping down your face, causing you to push them up every 30 seconds. You were were wearing an oversized white sweater and black ripped jeans, paired with dirty black converse. I remember everything about that night we met. Even the smallest things.

You always had these cute little quirks about you that I can't understand how it makes you even more adorable. Like how you snort when you laugh too hard, or how you blush at the smallest things, or how your eyes crinkle when you smile. I wish I could reverse the clock and stay on that night forever.

It was October 13th, 2014. You had turned 18 the day before. We met under a street lamp at 10 at night. I was sad. My mother had passed away that day. You listened to me vent about my problems. You then gave me a flower. A wild flower. I still have that flower jimin. I have it taped in my notebook that I never let you read. That notebook is filled with my deepest thoughts that were song lyrics. My song lyrics meant everything to me. They were my escape from this damned world that we call earth. I don't want you to read that dark part of me. I don't want my toxic mind to contaminate your gorgeous being.

Jimin, I'm sorry. If I was asked my biggest mistake, I'd say it was you. You were my biggest mistake. Not burning the kitchen or forgetting take my pills, it was you. Something about you just made me feel different. People say that I seem like a cold person that doesn't like to associate with people, they weren't lying. But when I met you, I felt — what people call it, warm. I never felt feelings, I've never seen colors. My life was in dark monotones.

I felt a feeling that night and it wasn't sadness. It was joy. I when you touched me — this might sound cliche but I felt sparks. Thank you Park Jimin. Thank you for being you.

On November 10th, 2014, we went on our first date. We went to some shitty musical. I hated it but you loved it. You were a theater geek. I think it Hamilton, I wasn't really paying attention. Your eyes twinkled. Gosh I just wanted to kiss you at that moment. Who knew it was you that made the first move.

You leaned in closer and closer and I felt my voice hitch and my cheeks heat up. "What's wrong, cats got your tongue?" You asked with a smirk. I couldn't breathe. I was speechless. All I could do was examine your face and I never noticed all of your small details. Like how you have a crooked tooth, a mole on your right cheek, a tiny nose, and the prettiest shade of pink lips. Suddenly, you kissed me. It was pure bliss. Your lips tasted of vanilla and pinch of mint. Gosh, I wish I could taste those lips, one last time.

Mornings were Jimin. We would wake up, feet tangled together, bodies touching. The smell of you making breakfast mixed in with the smell of alcohol from the night before, created this fragrance. Sometimes I would just like to bottle up that fragrance and sell it. That's how beautiful it was. It smelt like roses. The alcohol was like the thorns and the sweet smell of cinnamon rolls were the petals. It was beautiful. No — ethereal. That's what you were Jimin. Ethereal.

I remember when we both lost our virginity. It was a rainy but crisp autumn day. It was dark outside but with you, everything was bright. I think we were watching those terrible hallmark movies while cuddling and drinking hot chocolate. You got whipped cream on the top of your mouth and kissed you so I can lick off, but that kiss turned into more.

In the end, we were both a panting mess. Laying on the ground with sweat beads on the top of our foreheads with chests heaving up and down. It was ecstasy. It was slow and sensual, like you. I got to pluck that beautiful alpine buttercup for the virgin garden. And you got to pluck my black rose. I know you might read that last sentence and say, "black roses aren't real." But in my world, they are.

I was toxic. I was a bad guy. I remember our first real argument. You were doing laundry and found a pack of cigarettes in my pocket. Those cigarettes are the reasons why I'll be dead when you find this letter jimin. I don't want to die. I don't want to leave you and our son Jungkook. I want to stay and grow old with you. I want to watch Jungkook grow up and have his own children, but I can't.

I'm trapped in this goddamn hospital room. Everyday I feel like these walls are closing in on me. Why didn't I stop smoking? I smoked because I wanted to forget about life. My life was on the line after every cigarette I smoked. My lungs felt bad but my brain felt good.

Everyday when I wake up in this hospital bed, I wake up with a new clump of hair sitting on my pillow. Chemo sucks ass but you by my side everyday, always asking if I'm ok, bringing Jungkook here after school and let me help him with homework. I'm going to miss that.

The doctor said I have less that 24 hours until I die. It's currently New Year's Eve. I want to die on the 1st of January, 2018 at 12:00 am. I want you to be by my side when I die, I want Jungkook sitting on the bed with me while we remise on life. That's how I want my death. I want to die with you.

I'm sorry for all of the pain that i caused in your life. It wasn't supposed to end like this but, life isn't always going to go how we planned it.

When I die, I want you to move on. I want you to get married again, have more children, grow old with that person and die with them. Don't kill yourself because you can't handle the pain of me being gone. That's my final request.

Don't kill yourself and leave Jungkook alone. Jungkook should at least have one of his parents with him. I love you park jimin so much and don't forget that. This letter will be under my pillow when I die.

And also one more thing, continue to love those wild flowers.

Love,
Min Yoongi.