☆ alive ☆

change

ariana (november, 2017)

i love my job. everything about it. i mean, i'm getting payed for doing what i want. that's everyone's dream, right? but, sometimes i want to escape. get away from all of the lights, cameras, people, fame, everything.

don't get me wrong, i love my fans and making music. i always have, and always will. it just gets very stressful and hard to keep up with all this work. especially when i have to be the best version of myself, yet in reality it feels like i'm falling apart.

i can't really show my real feelings on the media. it's just not a good look apparently. i mean i'm a celebrity who has everything, who am i to feel so upset and empty? i guess keeping in my feelings is what's making me more tired and exhausted lately.

my dangerous woman tour starts in 3 months, so i've been very busy with my team preparing for it. i've been so focused on making sure everything is perfect for this tour, that i guess i've lost focus on my mental health. i'm not emotionally ready for this tour right now, but it's to late to go back. i'm going to have to find a way to be happy.

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"ari? ariana!" i heard brian yell at me. i didn't even know he was talking to me, i must've zoned out.

right now, we are rehearsing the dances for dwt. we've pretty much got most of the dances down, so we have just been finalizing and perfecting them.

"oh, i'm so sorry. i had not idea you were even talking to me. what did you say?" i responded to him.

brian looked a little frustrated, but i could see the concern in his eyes.

"what's up with you girl? you've been zoning out all day. you good?" he asked me.

i pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth, trying not to cry. every time someone asks me if i'm ok, i feel like breaking down in tears. especially when i've been holding them in for a while.

i nod, afraid of my voice cracking if i were to talk.

"i said, we should probably work on knew better choreo. we've barely rehearsed it, and we are on a tight schedule." brian says to me, kinda also talking to the rest of the dancers.

i said ok and turned on the song, playing it through the loud speakers of the rehearsal studio.

while we danced, i thought about everything i had to do today. it's currently 8 am, i have a photoshoot at noon, a meeting at 2pm, more rehearsals at 5pm, then a dinner with my family at 8pm. i'm so busy all of the time. how will i make it through the day?!

while distracted with my thoughts, i wasn't really paying attention to the dance. i tripped over my own feet, falling hard on the floor. cory ran over to help me up, asking if i was ok.

"yeah, i'm ok. it's fine," i responded out of breath.

man, i'm really out of it. it seems like everyone notices it, but they don't want to ask.

brian is the only one whose willing to say something. "ariana, take a break. go home. you've been working your ass off, i think you need to rest."

i chose not to argue, knowing he's right. i hugged everyone before leaving, something i make sure to do everyday. my dancers are like my family, i couldn't live without them.

after saying goodbye, i grabbed my bag and left. roshad walked me out and into my car, making sure i got there safely. i told the driver i was leaving early today, making sure he knew to drive me home.

i plugged in my headphones, letting the music drown my thoughts.

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when i arrived home, it was 9:05 am. i have a little bit of time before my shoot.

i sat on my couch, turning on some old halloween film.

as i lay on my couch, i think about my life.

how did i even get here? why am i so famous? is this even worth it?

yes ariana. it is worth it. you have amazing fans, a supporting family, and you get to make music everyday. it's totally worth it!

yeah, i know. but it's tiring. why is it so tiring? shouldn't this be fun? why am i not having fun? it's to much. this is all to much. i didn't expect to become this known. i cant even leave my house alone anymore. i'm not happy. i need to get away. just for a little bit. i need change.