My Crazy Hot Interstellar Affair

30. Man Likes Girlfriend's Current Molecular Configuration

Oliver raised his arms and relaunched Google Galaxy.

The cabin filled with those multicolored lights, expanding until the bridge filled with glowy blue stars, planets, black holes, quasars, and nebulae. With the poise of a conductor, Oliver began the symphony that was navigating with Google Galaxy—pointing his fingers, sliding his palms, maneuvering the tiny bat ray-shaped Star icon out of the path of The Big Guns—a gunmetal gray sphere with spires of weaponry jutting out of every inch of its surface.

The spectacle was so entrancing that for a moment, Andie forgot everything swirling around her only represented reality. A rude reminder of this occurred when a tiny streak of red light burst forth from The Big Guns icon and hit the Star icon, sending the real Star into one of those "Darth Vader in a TIE fighter at the end of Episode IV" out-of-control spirals. But for the harness, Andie would have splattered against the white walls like a bug on a windshield.

Andie squeezed her eyes shut and gripped the armrests as her heart thumped in her ears and drowned out the sound of her own screams. Adrenaline froze in her veins like liquid nitrogen. She needed to calm down. Also, something niggled at her. She should ask Oliver a question. But what was it?

Breathe in. Breathe out. And maybe stop yelling, because that is not helpful.

"Why do you keep getting us into life-threatening situations?" Bad Andie sobbed. "All I wanted was a quick plunge with my hot Italian merman, Wade De Longo. But there isn't a moment where we aren't trying not to die. I've had enough!"

"Then go. I never invited you anyway."

"If only I could, I would. You're the one with the body. Do something!"

The ship rocked from another hit.

With one hand, Oliver slid their ship icon what looked like inches from a black hole. He grabbed her arm with his free hand. "Andie! Andie. Are you all right? Can you hear me?"

Andie shook her head. She needed to get better at hiding the fact that she had bat-shit crazy conversations with Bad Andie. "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

'I said, The Big Guns has the most advanced weaponry in the Amu fleet. Its weapons are so powerful they could reduce a planet to rubble."

"Like the Death Star?"

"That is a film reference, correct?"

"Well, yes."

"The Big Guns is real. And it could take out the Death Star, if it existed, on half power.

She opened her eyes and clenched her fists. "You tell me that and ask if I'm all right? I'm in a jealous spaceship, mere inches of metal the only thing separating me from the vacuum of space, being fired on by my boyfriend's insane parents, way too close to a black hole for comfort, and despite all that I'm insanely horny thanks to your magical spacesuit!"

Oliver grinned.

"This is not a time for smiling. Do something!"

"Sorry. You just called me your boyfriend, and it gave me joy."

Oh, Star would just love that. Andie covered her face, waiting for the ship to shatter the remaining light fixtures or give the bridge that farm-fresh burnt smell, but nothing happened. "Don't get too excited, Oliver. I won't be any good as a girlfriend if I'm molecularly scattered. We have to fight back. Don't you need to charge up the main guns or something?"

"Main guns?"

"In Star Wars ... never mind."

Another blast sent the ship corkscrewing through space. This time they lost internal gravity, and once again, and Andie tugged at the harness. She concentrated on not heaving in zero gravity because imagine the floating vomit. No, better not to imagine. She dug her nails into the metal armrests. Note to self: do not dig fingernails into impermeable surfaces. Ouch. Every fingernail snapped beneath the quick. Then they grew right back. Earth totally needed magical jumpsuits!