Even if life feels like hell now , at least it's not forever. Sometimes we take for granted that we can still breathe. Some people have to use oxygen tanks and tubes to breathe. I love telling my story because i like to think that my life is pretty interesting and i love sharing about it. So here we go...
Let's start my story to when i was in nursery. I was taught in school with unfairness. "why?" you ask? Oh , well ... because, there was this one girl in my class who bullied me a few times. Now , I'll tell you why it was unfair. One time,
she tore the pages from my exercise book. Okay, that was really rude don't you think? So now , the thing that really pissed me off was how teacher handled the whole situation. She told two of us to stay back so she could talk to us. I was like "Yeah that's it girl , you 'bout to get some" .Turns out, the teacher just gave both of us biscuits and warned us not to fight with each other. And oh god , you bet i was mad , like why the hell did she get biscuits for tearing my exercise book? Anyway, the lesson learned here , is that if you're mean to people ... you get free stuff.
Okay , okay . Maybe that's not the lesson learned... but it's true, right? Never mind. Let's get to the embarrassing part of the story...
I used to pee my pants when i was in kindergarten and up till i was in primary 3. I always brought home wet uniforms. That's all , actually. I don't think you want me to elaborate ..hmm? Okay, so i had no friends in primary school. A lot of backstabbing and betrayal. Friend after friend after friend, none lasted a month.
Well, here's how things got messy. Also how i got my depression. In secondary one , i used to like this guy (let's call him farhan) . Everyday i would use my pocket money to buy him chocolates and write poems or letters. I did this for four years .When my class mates found out , i got bullied for it. They said mean things and would break my stuff. I never got a letter back. Farhan thought it would be funny to give me his number which was fake. Oh , also ... my friend also thought it would be funny to give me his number , which was actually her number. I wouldn't really call her a friend honestly. I would cry every single day . I also cut my wrist most of the time i was in school. I started doing it when a friend did it and showed me. I would skip class for counselling almost everyday. Until one day i decided that i wanted to end my life. While we were walking down the staircase at the second level i attempted jumping down but my class mates stopped me. I also recall jumping in front of a moving taxi. Then when i was in secondary one i remember the first time i ran away from home. I came home the next day. I ran away a few times from secondary one to secondary four.
Whenever i ran away i would hang out with older kids that smoked or drink alcohol . I didn't do anything that they did though. Okay... fine. Maybe i tried smoking once, but i didn't like it at all. Anyway, it felt like i belonged because they never judged me. Eventually i lost contact with all of them. So it all didn't really matter, honestly.
It would be really sad if you knew how much pain i went through during secondary school... but you know what? It's alright , yeah? Cause i wouldn't be who i am now.. 😇
Okay , so now?
I was always a bubbly and cheerful kid growing up, it all changed when i turned 16. I was rebellious and out of control. This is when i started hearing voices. At first i thought that i was talking to my neighbours. Why? because our flats were quite near to each other. So i sort of made friends with the voices but I've never seen them before. One day, they decided to continuously call me fat. I'll be honest, i actually believed them. I got so depressed i would always force myself to vomit after i had eaten . I did this for a few weeks and eventually i stopped and the voices never said anything about it ever again.
So here's how my parents found out i was talking to myself. Actually there's no story to how they found out. Because during that time i would always close my room door. Well, they sent me for exorcism and tried few religious ways to heal me from my "crazy". But it worked. But i still heard voices. So then they decided to send me to IMH. I stayed in the child ward for a few weeks and went back in during home leave because i couldn't control my emotions . Also i had suicidal thoughts. Eventually i got bored of getting home leave and going back in , so i forced myself to behave.
Now, a few years have gone by and i'm thankful that i'm still alive. How did i survive the past years? Well , my case manager from IMH recommended that i attend a rehab at Pasir Ris called 'Club Heal'. When i went for the classes for the first time i couldn't concentrate at all. I would always almost start crying if my parents wouldn't let me skip the class. Soon, after multiple times that i have attended the classes i realised that i actually liked the sessions.
After a few months or so, i realised that I actually wanted to continue my studies! You might be thinking , " But Alesha! You can't pass your maths, how can you continue your studies?" Well , i don't plan to continue my studies academically , but through art! Of course ! Why didn't i think of it earlier? Hmm, i actually already planned on going to art school before i got sick. To be real, i didn't really think i could make it. But lo and behold! An art teacher from NAFA suddenly appears out of nowhere... I'm kidding. He just started working for Club Heal teaching us art. Anyway, this is a special moment for me , right? Cause i never thought i could excel in something i actually like doing. So right now, with selling my paintings at a gala dinner to showing my paintings at art exhibitions, I feel like i'm finally considered as a somebody. I am quite happy about who i am now , considering I've felt like a nobody my whole life and also being taunted as worthless by the people who i thought i trusted and who i had called my "friends".
