The Illness of Love

The sirens blend with rushing waters, the flashing lights engulf the harmonious night sky. The stars waltz halters as time acts as an hour glass. The insects watch on. The rats peer out from under the drains; forgetting about their meals. Splintering sounds can be heard in the ears of some, haze washes over their eyes. Crumpled aluminium scatters and wraps around a disfigured do not jump sign. The sirens getting louder and louder; the rats scurry off as the race for life nears its end. The vehicles screech up the aluminium fill road. Voices are heard, yelling is heard.
I can hear now. Directions? Instructions? What happened? My last thoughts were of my life coming to its happiest, my fiancée, our wedding on the horizon and our beautiful dog whom we adore. The splintering sound now makes way for the voices, they become more noticeable, more understanding. A man? No, a woman? What are they doing? I make out the arrangements of words coming from somewhere – where, I do not know. My eyes are still blurred. Is this fog I see? Those voices, they make out to be rescue and directional phrases. I feel a stabbing pain come from my cranium and, right where my heart lies, my chest. I try to inspect it but I’m restricted; restricted by what? The lights become clearer, a distortion of flashing purple lights emerge from my haze. I feel a breath on my ear, muffled words enter my ear canal and toward my brain.
“It’s going to be okay,” the voice echoes becoming quieter and quieter.
I feel myself losing sight of everything, losing the voice in my head. A sudden somnolent feeling washes over me, my eyes closing on the burred life around me as I lose consciousness.
***
The sounds disappear and I hear a soft, calm and soothing, constant sound I’m oblivious to. My eyes feel light as a feather but yet hard to open as if they were glued shut. I attempt to move but I’m stiff; my fingertips is all I manage.
“QUICK, HELP. SOMEBODY!”
What is this sharp piercing voice I hear? I feel as if I recognize it from somewhere but from where I do not know. I make out scattering and clanging noises all around me.
“Right there! Right there! I saw him move.” The dainty voice says again. I’m curious as to where I know this voice from this voice from.
“Can you tell me your name please?” I hear a new and deeper voice ask.
I try making a sound but my mouth is motionless; it feels like I have no mouth at all.
“Dax. Dax, can you hear me?” The voice asks in a more subtle tone.
Who is this Dax? Why are they asking me? Actually, who am I? I feel a warmth on my eyelids, I know they’re there.
I try speaking again and slowly begin to open my mouth.
“Dax, can you open your eyes for me?” I hear the voice say again.
I try opening my eyes again to find a bright light being shone down at them. My facial movements become easier to control as I squint away from the light.
“I don’t know,” I say opening my eyes to find a bright white room with little drips and drains and monitors everywhere. It was a man, he’s leaning over me; I appear to be lying down with different tubes and needles coming in or possibly out of me. I try to move around in my bed for a moment and sit up. I glance around the room.
“Where am I?” I ask trying to comprehend my surroundings.
“You’re in a hospital, you were in a crash and were hurt pretty badly. Do you recall where you were going? The woman behind him said, her voice sounding so sincere as if she was someone who knew me, knew me well.
A car crash? I can’t even remember my damn name, let alone a car crash.
“No, I can’t; I can’t even remember my name.” I suddenly tart getting annoyed. “Why are you asking me all these questions?! I should be the one asking questions! Answer MY questions!  I can’t remember a bloody thing. Give me the answers or I’ll go and find them myself!” I start breathing heavily as if I’ve lost all my oxygen.
“I highly doubt you’ll go and find the answers yourself. Look at yourself, you’re breathing heavily just from speaking. Lie down and get some rest.” As if, I think to myself. “It’s late at night, sleep and I will tell you everything in the morning,” he says as he points to a glass of water on a bedside table.
“There is water there for you to keep hydrated until your meal in the morning.” He turns around; scribbles some notes on a piece of paper then looks at his watch, scribbles another few lines and places the piece of paper on the bed side table, next to the water. He then leaves with the woman following him closely. The door then closes swiftly, echoing throughout the silent room. I’m left sitting there wondering at what has happened. A bloody car crash? Do they really expect me to rest up? I’ve been resting up for a whi… I stop my thoughts for a moment. How long have I been in a coma? I notice and peak over at the sheet of paper on the bed side table that the doctor left.
“Date admitted 28 January, 2015 @ 2:37am,” I read on further, “Date of consciousness: 16 September, 2015 @ 11:53pm.” I was in a coma for almost 8 months?! My eyes drift to the name at the top left of the paper, “Dax Pierpont: age 27,” is that my name and age? “Shit I’m old” I say, slumping back on the bed feeling the tubes in my arms pull and begin to hurt. Has been my home, no, this IS my home. I have no home bar this.
My thoughts are broken by a sharp scraping noise and spring around to face the window. I sigh in relief. “It’s just a branch scratching the window.” I feel a massive pulsating pain in my head and clench it with my hands.
I close my eyes, immersing myself in darkness. A wall of fog washes over me. I hear tires screech in the distance and suddenly building to a loud smash followed by stillness and silence. I awake with sweat emerging from my skin and my body shaking. I need to know what happened. I need to know now! I can’t wait until the morning, not if I get more of these visions and pains in my brain. I hear the scratching again and see the oak tree’s leaves dancing in a small breeze using the window as a dance floor. Exiting the bed slowly, trying not to apply pressure to the tubes and I look down at them. Pausing for a brief moment allowing new thoughts to flood my brain. My hand wanders over the tubes, gently feeling how deep they are in me, and I contemplate how excruciating the pain would be should I pull them out. I carefully look around and notice a camera looking directly at me; I stare blankly and intimidated at the fixed camera. What if they’re watching me right now? What if they’re on their way to put me back in bed? The digital camera doesn’t move, doesn’t blink. The perfect poker player. I feel an even greater sense of urgency to get my own answers. I grab a face washer, the closest thing to me, and shove it in my mouth. I bite down hard as I start pulling the tubes and needles out of my arms. The pain. The pain is so intense, it feels like a sharp piercing sensation; a sensation I’ve felt before. What am I doing? I pull them out and hear noises outside my room. It’s now or never. I stumble over to the window and forcefully slide it across the ball bearings.
“Dax get away from there! Get back in bed!” Yelled a nurse aggressively pushing the door to my home open. I look over to see the desperation on her face. Trying not to cry from the pain, I quickly, without haste, lunge onto the thick oak branch, missing it by an inch and hitting solid and frail branches on the way down. As I gasp for oxygen, my ribs and shoulder are in pain. Blood runs down my legs and arms. I hear the nurse from my room screaming at the top of her lungs for help. Without processing a thought, I jump over the closest hedge. I trip on the top of the hedge, scratching my leg and making fresh wound worse, on the twigs and face plant on the ground. I can still hear her voice calling, pleading, for help. Fatigued and out of breath, I attempt to limp away into a patch of dense shrubbery. I go to push myself off a tree trunk but miss and collapse to the ground again, this time hitting my head on a rock. I feel myself losing consciousness, a feeling that is strangely familiar to me.
***
It’s a sunny day. The wind is minimal but still present; I’m on my break. I’ve just finished up eating my lunch and about to go back to my internship at The Menzies Center. I walk around the Railway Roundabout Fountain, admiring the birds dancing around in it, like I do everyday, having their daily bath. I suddenly hear a cry and turn around to see a girl about the same age as but quite smaller than myself reaching into the fountain. I walk over to her and prepare to ask her what she’s doing, but notice a $50 note in the fountain.
“Are you okay? Do you want some help?” I ask, unsure of her motive. Is the $50 note hers or did she just see it in the fountain and thought it was her lucky day?
“No, my money just blew out of my hands! I need that money for my lunch!” the girl cries.
“Okay, I’ll try and reach it for you.” I offer reaching over with my tall stature and beyond her reach. I’m only a finger tip away from it when a bird swoops down and grabs it before I can touch it. I remain still and stunned by what has happened. I look behind me with disappointment on my face and see her upset now as she hangs her head. I hoist myself up and apologize that I can’t get her money back. I hear a slight rumble.
“Is that your stomach?” I ask. The girl looks embarrassed and just shakes her head. I pause before speaking,
“I’ll tell you what, I’ll take you out for lunch,” I say with a smile on my face. It’s not everyday I get to take out a pretty girl. “I still have time before I have to be back at my job; plus, they won’t mind if I’m a tad late.”
“No, you don’t have to go to the trouble of doing that for me. I’m not that hungry anyway,” she says as her stomach rumbles again and a self-conscious look stains her face.
“Not, that hungry eh? Come on, I’ll take you to my favourite burger place not far from here.” I offer her my hand. She looks up at me and nods,
“I’m Misty by the way, Misty Stone.” We walk around the fountain and I introduce myself,
“Nice to meet you Misty, I’m…”
***
My dream is cut short,
What was that…? That was… that was so real. That was no dream. I think as I realise that I’m out in the coldness of the night lying on the ground with a stone as a pillow. “STONE!!!” I say loudly sitting up with excitement. Could that be a memory? I take a few deep breaths and look for places where my thoughts could run free and emerge from its captivity inside my brain. I see a medium sized boulder a few metres away. Maintaining a clear head I calmly and slowly get up feeling the wound on my leg throb. While limping over to the boulder I think to myself, a boulder is a kind of stone so maybe a stone will help me remember a stone. I sit down amused with myself with that clever remark.
“I know who I am, or at least I think I d; Dax Pierpont. I begin thinking. What did that doctor say? Didn’t he mention something about a car crash? I think he did. I stop for a second. What am I doing? I’m starting to talk to myself,” I start to laugh. “I must’ve hit that stone hard and probably left a good mark on it.” I shut my eyes and begin to zone out.
***
“So what do you do Dax?” Misty asks taking my hand as we walk over to my favourite burger place.
“I’m currently on an internship at The Menzies Center,” I say feeling proud of my achievement.
“Wow really?” she says surprised. “That must’ve been hard to get. You’re so young. You’re about 18, right?”
I pause, I’m unsure of her tone and I detect a sense of sarcasm.
“Um yeah, how’d you know I was 18?” I say admiring her amazing observational skills.
“I don’t really know, you just seem like an 18 year old.” She continues trying not to sound modest. “Then again by saying you’re too young for your internship I’d be a hypocrite,” she said laughing and putting her hand on my back.
“What do you mean by that?” I say smiling. Her hand feels warm and gives me a sense of unfamiliar closure.
“Well, I’m 17 and already have an internship at the Magistrates Court down the block.” I could see the embarrassment on her face but assume it’s just for show. In a way it makes her more attractive.
“I’m guessing you don’t like talking about you self to others?” I say reassuring her.
“How did you…? Yeah kind of, I just rather talk about other people because I enjoy making them happy and feel loved.” She says blushing. I look at her and can’t help but smile and my voice fluxes between words.
“That’s really cute. Don’t worry, you make me feel like that.” I say stopping our walking to uplift her.
“Awh, might I ask which part? Happy or loved?” She says giving me a cheeky wink and gently tapping her fingers on my back. I start to feel my face tense and fluster before I hear a phone ring.
“Sorry Dax, that’s my phone I’ll quickly answer it then I’ll be back.” She walks a short distance away and answers it. I watch her, she’s wearing a nice grey blazer, that must’ve been expensive, I imagine. Her small stature is probably 5’5, compared to my 6’2 she’s quite tiny, but cute and getting myself all flustered like that, she’s smooth. I begin imagining again when I see her walk back towards me.
“Sorry that was work, they want me back as soon as possible.” Her voice doesn’t change but I could tell she was annoyed. “Maybe we can always do it another time? After hours when we have as much time as we want?”
“Yeah that sounds great.” I say giving a big smile as she pulls out a business card.
“My office number is on there, as well as my personal one,” she says winking again; making me fluster. “I’ll talk to another time,” she says as she walks off with a hair flick. I look down at her card to see a drawn on love heart onto of the ‘I’ in Misty. She suddenly comes up from under my gaze and gives me a gentle kiss on the cheek before she waves goodbye and runs off towards the court building and I’m left there bewildered.
***
“Get out of my head!” I scream into the darkness of the night sky. I get up and begin to run. I don’t know where I’m going. I just have to run and run. Each stride I take a shot of pain shoots up my leg. The pain finally causes me to fall against a tree. As I catch my breath I look back, noticing a small trail of blood behind me. At this point in time I’m probably going to collapse again.
I fight through the pain and make it to a bridge where I clench hold of the railing. My knees give way and meet the ground. The lack of oxygen and dense fog on the bridge makes my head spin as I lose my spatial awareness causing me to almost fall off the bridge. I grab hold of a sign with my remaining strength. My body lingers over the guardrail.
***
“Look out!” says the person next to me in the car. “Watch that one! No careful of that one Dax! Right in front of us. Watch the ice!” A women screams loudly, bombarding my eardrum.
***
I kick myself off the guard rail hitting my back on the cold ice like ground and start shaking all over. Tears run down my face as I feel so scared and terrified for my life.
“What do you want from me?!” I scream. My lungs pumping oxygen through me. I tremble in my thoughts. What’s wrong with me? Why can I hear voices in my head? Who is Misty and who is the women screaming in my head? The sound is so familiar it’s on the tip of my tongue but locked away in a concealed door.
My breathing steadies after lying on the cold stone ground. I hear the calmness of the river below and put my hands over my eyes. The feeling of dense fog, swelling river and sounds of the ocean cause me to slumber once more.
***
“I’m finally home baby,” I say with silence following. I walk through the modernised wooden door frame. “Hello? Baby, are you home?” I say as I start getting worried. I hear faint laughter coming from the lounge room. I slowly make my way through the house. The floor lathered in soft carpet and walls that boast a confident blue. I walk through the dinning room and past a beautiful hand made Huon pine table. I hear the floor boards creak from under my feet.
“Is that you honey?” A voice calls from beyond the table and through from the lounge room. “I have a surprise for you.” I step into the lounge room to see my baby, Misty, and a warm bundle of fur that is bouncing around on her lap.
“Oh my god, Misty. Where did this come from?” I say with excitement.
“Well I had to do something for our special day, and well, I thought a puppy might be a good way to show you how much I love you.” I sit down and embrace her, the puppy jumps off her lap and into mine giving me a yelp. I pick it up and it licks my face. I’m so grateful and happy, I think as my face lights.
“Is it a girl or boy? Does it have a name yet?” I eagerly ask.
“It’s a girl and no not yet, although, I remember how you said you wanted a baby that was a girl; so I got you the next best thing.”
“You are the absolute best, I love you so much. What shall we name her?”
“I was thinking of sapphire because of her blue eyes. They remind me so much of a river, they’re just so beautiful.
***
I wake from yet another dream and start weeping. I had a life, I had a future; and now I have nothing.
“Why is life so hard??” I begin shaking as thoughts race through my head. What if I just jump? These visions can’t be true. What the doctor told me can’t be true, just a ruse; to trick me into believing everything’s okay and will be okay when in fact it’s not bloody okay! Yelling in my head does nothing for me. I gather my bearings and I grab hold of the sign which is the closest thing to me. I stare at it, as if it was something that held purpose. I glance up at the moon in all its glory. It would be a shame to taint such a beautiful night with my depressed and saddened blood, but you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. I think as I slowly walk over to the guard railing. I shake all over once I see a massive drop. I position myself in a way where I won’t see the water coming, that I’ll just… fall. The fog still present, I could make it look like I just, fell. That it wasn’t suicide, it was purely an accident, I think to myself. Yeah I just slipped on the ice and fell over the edge, no-one will ever think I wanted to die. I take in the last few deep breaths of pure life.

***
I see her face; Misty’s face. It is beautiful. Her lushes, long and brown hair; gorgeous sapphire eyes, just like our dog; those rosy red cheeks that awaken in the cold and that gorgeous heart melting smile.
***
The tears of life run down my face, with deep sincerity I forgive the world, forgive everything and begin to fall…
“Dax no!” A sharp voice said. It’s too late, I can’t stop myself I have no energy to grab a hold of anything. I suddenly feel the rushing winds fly past me; the feeling of weightlessness. The water growing closer and closer, tears washing over my face. I begin to twirl in the breeze, looking up at the bridge. My tears, sparkling in the moonlight, fall behind me. A top the bridge is a silhouetted figure, I hear her weeping.
“Dax no! Come back to me!” Her voice so tender yet sad, time begins to slow and soften; father time pities me. The night of the crash becomes clear. I begin to scream out,
“MISTY I’M SO VERY SORRY…. Forgive me…”
I look over my shoulder to feel a smack
*****
I rise from my bed sweat pouring out of me. The bed soaked, my breathing heavy… my eyes as wide as a wheel. I look over to see a women, my fiancée. My breathing steadies, tear fall from my eyes, I lean in to kiss and embrace her.
I gentle hug her, telling her how much she means to me, I never want to lose you baby.
“Do you think he will be okay?” askes a doctor. Another doctor turns to him,
“I honestly don’t know Dax never got over the fact that he killed his fiancée, he’s ben liken this ever since that day he woke up from his coma.” He says shaking his head.
“You mean everything he says, is all in his mind?” The first doctor asked stunned.
“Precisely, now my shift is over. It’s your time to watch him now. Oh and since this is your first shift looking after him, please make sure you don’t anger him,” he said about to leave the confined room. “Oh and he has a pretty nasty temper by the way,” he added and exited the room leaving the two of them to associate themselves with each other.