Giving Up On You

Say something, I’m giving up on you. I’ll be the one if you want me to. And anywhere I would’ve followed you. Say something, I’m giving up on you.

He was silently wishing he’d be in her current state rather than her. He held her hands firmly, yet gently at the same time. She laid there, with her eyes closed, looking like she’s sleeping ever so peacefully, when they all know she have been struggling to keep herself alive. They all knew that she’s on the brink of death, but they held onto the tiniest bit of hope they have left. “Jagiya, please wake up. We’ll still grow old together right? We’ll still marry! We’ll have our own family! Please wake up.” Jongdae gently whispered, though he knew she couldn’t hear them no more. He had always tried to convince her to go to America to get medications, but she refused, turning down all his offers and words. Her only excuse is that he’ll be away from her, which is not true as he can follow her anywhere just to ensure her safety.

The sound of the machine beeping rather violently shook himself out of his reverie – his heart drummed violently on his chest as he squeezed her hand and made a run for a doctor. The thought of  losing her made him run faster than ever before. And as soon as he informed the nurse, about three of her doctors along with their assistants quickly dashed towards the room and checked on her current state.

He sat on the chairs located at the halls, nervously waiting for the doctors to come out and tell him she’s alright. The sound of the machine beeping echoed through his ears – the thought still on his mind. No, he wasn’t ready for this. She’ll be alright. She’s strong. ‘Please be alright.’ Was only Jongdae could mutter, and he silently prayed to himself.

///Flashback

 And I am feeling so small. It was over my head, I know nothing at all

I was stayed rooted on my spot as her words sink into my mind. It was liver cancer. No one ever dared to inform him of her illness. He was beyond mad – heck he was flaming right now as he could’ve took good care of her and find the best doctor that could cure her illness, even if it means to travel around the world. He knew nothing, nothing at all. He was oblivious, as she was never vocal of her feelings. He never noticed that she was in pain. He ruffled his hair in frustration, cursing himself under his breath. Tears began rolling down to his cheeks and onto the cold marbled floor.

And I will stumble and fall. I’m still learning to love ; Just starting to crawl.

“Jongdae?” He heard an angelic voice call out to him. He then turned around with a smile and asked, “What is it?” “Well, do you know what love is?” She asked, lips curving into a shy smile. “I honestly don’t know what love really means. Do you?” He asked, staring down at her brown orbs, and got captivated by them twinkling when sunlight shone on them. She shook her head and frowned, cutely, as he said it was. “We should learn its definition together, alright?” She grinned, and he told himself he is indeed lucky as heavens sent him an angel. “Yes, let’s learn together.” He stuttered out a reply and smiled, gathering all his power not to embarrass himself in front of her and blush.

Say something, I’m giving up on you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you. Anywhere I would’ve followed you; Say something, I’m giving up on you.

“I should be the one lying there, bearing all the pain. She’s too innocent to suffer from all this pain. Of all people, why her? There are billions of other people there. Why her?! Why?!” Jongdae cried out, bursting into tears for the nth time. He had been pained enough for not giving her attention – not giving her the love she deserves. He had sinned too much, he doesn’t deserve a girl like her. But he could never bring himself to let her go. He just couldn’t. He loves her too much to the point that he could go anywhere, anytime, just to be with her, to remain by her side. His hands clenched into a fist and sighed. He could do nothing but take care of her and pray. Yes, that’s all he can do.

And I will swallow my pride; You’re the one that I love, and I’m saying goodbye

“He’s just a friend, Jongdae!” She yelled frantically, obviously irritated by her boyfriend. He continuously whined, throwing tantrums here and there, reasoning out that friends does not casually place his hands on her waist and vice versa. “Ugh Jongdae! I’ve told you we’re just friends! Don’t you trust me anymore?! Why are you like that?! You’ve flirted with lots of girls before and I did not make a big deal out of it!” He saw her tremble, which is a sign that she’s going to break out sooner or later. He gulped, he would never want to see her cry. Much worse, he’s the reason why the love of his life was crying. He shook his head and pulled her into his arms. “I’m very sorry. It’s my fault, I’m very sorry. I trust you. I love you.” She finally let out a sob and nuzzled onto his chest. “I’m sorry, babe. I love you.” “I love you too.”

Once the doctors let him step inside her room once again, he quickly went by her side, gently placing his hand on her. Kissing it lightly, he stared at her face – pale and skinny but nonetheless she still looks beautiful in his eyes. Nothing could ever change that. He had once promised her that he’ll love her ‘till eternity – nothing could ever separate them, even death couldn’t. He caressed her cold cheeks and placed a soft peck on her lips. “Goodbye, my love. We’ll meet again someday. Wait for me. I love you.” He said as tears came out of his eyes one by one, just like a raindrop.

I love you.