Do you really know yourself? Have you ever said "I know who am I, deep down there inside, I know" Again.. My dear, do you? I'd bet that a lot of us have this question in their mind: "Who am I? Do I really know who am I?" I know a lot of us is thinking about that, tho some may say "Yes, I know who am I, coz no one understands but myself, no one understands what I've been through, no one knows my pain" but a part of you will always have a second thought like this: "Come to think of it, Do I really know and understand myself?" I may be right or wrong. Are you wondering if I can give you an answer? Well, I'm not here to give an answer, coz only you can answer that questions in your mind. I'm just here to express myself and share things to you, tho I don't know if this can help, but if you're bored and you have nothing to do, you may continue reading this. And advance thanks if you'll appreciate this, but if you'll criticize this in a good or a bad way, it'll be both appreciated.
If you have reached the point where in you already asked yourself if how far have you changed that you feel like you already don't know yourself and it's like you're seeing a different person in you, congratulations then! You just reached the next level of adulthood. No kidding aside. That's just one of the stepping stone to a better you. Not unless you didn't change in a good way, but the other way around, if you change and end up hurting others then you're fcking screwed. You're a dumbass. All of us fear change, but change is constant. So, why do we fear change? It's because we're not prepared, we are never prepared. We always prefer those things that we're used to, why? Coz that's more easier and convenient. We always tend to choose what's more easier and convenient that's why people only tend to care when it's convenient. If you would ask me, I already reached the point where in I feel alienated of myself. I saw myself slowly changing, and when I did, I always caught myself wondering how I was able to do so.. Sometimes I felt like I hate myself for letting pain, fear and other bullshits ruin my sweet and soft side. But come to think of it, I never felt regretting it, I never miss my so called old self. Why? Coz I know for a fact that "that" side of me didn't really vanished, it's just hidden, saved and preserved. Only people who are deserving will have the priviledge to see and experience it again. I'm not strong, I just know how to hide. You may call me coward for being too cautious and not taking risks anymore. But, if you'll think about it, why would you take random risks if you can take risk and opportunities with precautions and calculating your moves, yes you can't calculate and make sure you'll always win, but atleast learn to weigh it if the risk that you will take is worth it. But how can we do that? Most of us are always blinded to the point that we aren't able to think first before we take a risk, we always think that if it is something that you need to risk, there will always be something good in return but in reality, we are just provoked, challenged, curious, etc. So many reasons. Some will say, you need to risk and let pain teach you. Experience is the best teacher. I respect those people who believe in that but for me? No. You don't need to experience everything in order for you to learn something, you just have to open your eyes to see the reality and widen your understanding about things around you. A lot of my friends now always nag at me and say "You've changed, A LOT" "your walls are too high, you're not like that before" I even responded "No, it's not high enough, they can still see me over it, I'm still nice enough" Am I rude? Well, from that point, I realized, not all of them deserves to be called friend, not all of them deserves to see my inner self. Not everyone deserves a piece of you, not because you felt comfortable, not because you felt it's fine to do so, not because they show fake care and fake love, not because someone told you so, etc.. Limit yourself, save yourself for yourself and for those who deserves your beautiful heart. To be honest whenver I see myself right now, whenever I see how am I to people, how cold, how rude, how detached I am, I still question and wonder to myself.. I didn't know I can be like this. There are times that my inner self is being touched and I feel like my hidden side is wailing and wanna go out, want to save people who needs salvation, I'm always that "If you can help, why not" person. But then, you can always save and help people without being intoxicated and absorbing their shits, without being too involved to the extent that you're being ruined by them just because you're fixing them. You don't always need to give a piece of yourself in helping, saving or fixing others.Because if you do, you'll end up on that stage where in you'll feel lost again, asking yourself: who you are, what happen to you, why did you end up like that but in reality, you're the one who put yourself in that situation, you feel lost because you gave out too many pieces of you to those assholes, those people who are not even deserving of your attention to the point that nothing's left for yourself. You may feel like my heart is full of hatred by how I write this, maybe yes, maybe not. All of us needs salvation. All of us wants someone who will understand. Maybe no one can understand, but atleast someone who'll be willing to stay beside us while we're fighting our own battles. For someone like me who doesn't give a shit about anything, I say a lot of things eh? Hahahah. Yes, if you would see me? You'll see me as someone who doesn't care at all about anything. Rude and cold. But let me tell you a little secret, people like me, once cared too much. To the point that we ran out of it. Hahah.Kidding. No, we still care, but only for those who deserves it. It may be hard now to see that side of ours, we can be too difficult for you at this point. But we're not forcing you to do an effort for us, it's always up to you if you'll see us as someone worth the risk. But my point is, everyone has a reason why their personlities are like that, tho let's face the reality that some are just being irrational. But we can give them a benefit of the doubt, I believe everyone deserves that. Are you still wondering why the title of this is "Your Inner Self" even though this doesn't even answer your questions on how to know who you are? Well, again.. as what I say earlier, only you will have the answer for that question. This was only published to mess up with your mind. Jk. Hahah. I just want to express and share. Come to think of it, why do we always have that question in our mind? Do we need to know the answer? If you'll think about it, you don't need to have everything figured out, if you'll figure it out or not, life will still go on. Change is still constant. Life won't stop just for you to figure out who you are, and again, change is constant, so do you, why do you need to figure out that question if after awhile, there will be changes in you again? Some will answer: of course, so we can be aware about the good and bad stuff about ourselves. Oh come on! We are already aware about that, we just chose to ignore and make excuses to make ourself feel better about our doings and happenings around us. Open your eyes dear.
