Relections

Rant

I used to type everything I was thinking when I either upset, very angry or just emotional on my laptop. I wrote it all on a pages document and named it 'rant101'. I used to write the date on the first line and then type everything I was thinking at the time or everything that built up throughout the day, or even week. I tend to type fairy quickly, my fingers moving quickly over the keys and in a way created a rhythm. I would either listen to music or just sit in silence until I was finished. 

I thought it was a good idea to get everything out, all my thoughts and ideas, instead of keeping everything in. The idea of all my thoughts being kept in is frightening. I sometimes open the document and read what I was thinking, some of it was very upsetting, others clearly just a rant of built up anger and emotions. I realise how much I have grown as a person. My style of writing, my thoughts. 

I tend to overthink, my friends, family have told me and I know myself that I do. Even the littlest of things get me into thinking overdrive mode. I just think of every detail and outcome of the idea or event. It sometimes gets too much for me to take, I know if I think too much I tend to get emotional. 

My dad told me my whole life I have always been a very emotional person. At times I need to grow up and be strong, build a backbone and get over it. He always has the best advice.

In year 9 I went to the counsellor for the first time. My two best friends moved school and things just got too hard and emotional. The lady was helpful, she had a box of toys and objects to fiddle with. I filled out a sheet, a precaution thing I suppose and she went off what I had written down. I went again this year, year 10, found out the lady had moved. I saw another lady who was lovely and we had a session. I didn't open up as much as I did with the other lady and at the end wished I had blurted everything enough to make myself cry. Because then I knew I would of made the most of her time and gotten everything out. 

She told me to write everything down, physically which is something I am trying to develop a habit of. I love hand writing, but I tend to prefer typing as it is faster and I love the sound of the keys clicking. 

I try to keep myself busy, trying to stay away from having time to think and process everything. Because I know I will end up overthinking and get emotional, something I tend to do often and try not to. 

A thought that quite often pops into my head is how much I use the word 'I'. It makes me think I am very selfish and tend to talk as well as think about myself quite a lot.