cold and unworthy

so cold...

He watched how the view in front of his eyes was passing so quickly. He watched how all people on the street were living that moment in a different way from each other. He watched how a couple was fighting so roughly then one of them pulled the other one into a kiss, which made both of their anger melt away. "cliché as fuck" he thought but kept watching anyway. He watched how a kid was looking at a piece of candy as if it was the most precious thing in this world. He watched how the kid's mother came and pulled him away forcefully by his arms while her over-expensive branded bag was hanging on her shoulder. He watched how the kid started crying and begging to his mother. He could even hear his words even though there was a window between him and the view he was watching. "Mom please please please you said I can eat a candy if I do whatever you want. I did that mom." She pushed her hair back with her diamond-ringed hand and said "no. you can't eat that. We are going home. You get it?!" he watched how the kid's tears kept rolling but he just looked down at the ground in the most heart breaking way possible and just nodded. He watched how the mother pulled him away roughly. He watched how a boy around the age sixteen was trying to say something to his probably same aged friend. He watched how the other boy's face showed a mix of disgust, grossing out and disappointment when he finished his words. He watched how he pushed away the boy who probably just confessed him a few seconds ago, he said a very very bad word to the boy who was now lying on the ground, and walked away after punching him in the face. He watched how the boy on the ground cried, holding his face cause wow that punch was so god damn hard. But somehow he knew, even just as being the person who was just watching it all, he knew that the boy's heart was aching more than his face. Of course he knew. The ones who had the same pain would understand each other wouldn't they?

"Is it okay if I smoke?"

He looked at the taxi driver who had been maybe way too quiet since he got in the car and shrugged his shoulders "doesn't matter really."

Taxi driver took it as a "yes" and took out a single cigarette out of its box.

It mattered actually. He hated cigarettes and the smoke of it and the smell of it and everything about it. And now the smoke that was coming to the backseats of the car wasn't reminding him any good memories. Who would really have good memories that included cigarettes anyway tho? definitely not him that was for sure. All he could remember was terrible memories. Not even bad ones. No. the terrible ones. Ones that reminds themselves to him only in the death darkness of the night. Ones that keeps him up till 4am. Ones that ruined all of his past relationships.

Out of blue, the radio was turned on and a cheerful song was playing in the background while two people were talking over the music. He hated it a lot too. There was a fucking reason why music channels were music channels. To listen the fucking songs for fuck's sake! In another time, he would ask the taxi driver to pass this channel but he wasn't in the mood for that. Damn he wasn't in the mood for anything right now. Cause the smoke was wetting his eyes and choking him, the windows were still tightly closed, and all he could remember was how his mother was used to smoke all the time and never open the windows too. "what? Are you annoyed by me smoking? Guess what little brat, I don't give a single fuck about what you feel or think. If you don't wanna smell the smoke of my fucking cigarettes then get the fuck out of this house and live in the streets. You wouldn't even be homeless anyway. Pretty boys like you always gets attention."

"Open the window" he could choke out his words but the driver didn't hear him well so he volumed down the radio.

"What?"

"Please...open the window"

The man immediately opened the window because of the boy's hurting tone and turned off the radio completely.