The Closet In Which I Came Out Of

Step One: The Closet

Realizing I was in the closet wasn't a hard thing to do. I knew I was different. The hard part was figuring out exactly (or as close as possible to) what I was.

It was time-consuming, for it pestered me for a really long time. The question always was floating around in my mind and I had no control over it. In class, I would completely zone out trying to think of the answer.

What got me to this point? Well, it was one comment that left my mouth that really got me questioning who I was.

...

I can't remember all the details since it has been a few years.

I do remember that I was in eighth grade, it was lunch, and I was hanging out in the counselor's office with my group of friends like we always did. We were talking, and one of my friend's asked me if I was straight.

Before then, I never really questioned it or even thought about it, but - me thinking I was cool - said that I was 'bisexual', because, for some reason, I thought it was cool not to be straight. I have no idea where that thought came from.

After my statement, I didn't know if I was lying or telling the truth. So, I was sent into the whirlpool that most teenagers go down; questioning my sexuality.

It took the whole year before I correctly labeled myself as asexual, and looking back on that now, I am surprised it took so long. I had no sex drive, still, don't, and can't imagine myself having one.

By this time, I was in grade nine and I had searched up all of the things I would need to know about the LGBTQ+ community and talked all about it with my best friend, who also happened to be asexual (at the time, since they told me they were still questioning if it was true).

Near the end of ninth grade, I realized that I was 'gay' and all the crushes I ever had on boys (two) were forced. I had unknowingly forced myself to have crushes on these two guys. One was when I was in the sixth grade, and the other was from... fifth to ninth grade... Oh god, thinking back is embarrassing. 

How had I forced myself into developing crushes for these two guys that I honestly didn't know or really like at all? Well, I had heard that they had crushes on me and so, I thought it over and listed all of their good qualities. Such as, nice. Literally, that one trait that I didn't even know was true was all it took to convince myself I had a crush on them.

I didn't like them, and the longest one hurt me the most, but after the feelings faded I realized just how fake they were. Maybe, I was pressed by girls that having a crush on boys was a thing that I was supposed to do, and not having one was like 'oh my god you are a demon'.

It was the last month of school that I realized I didn't feel like a girl. I didn't like my feminine name, clothes, appearance, voice, and that I overall hated being considered feminine in any way.

So, I looked it up and soon labeled myself as androgynous. After a while of that, I realized it didn't fit right, and that I was too mentally masculine for it, but I denied being transgendered. I was a girl, there was no way that after fourteen years of living as one I would suddenly be the opposite. No. Way.

So, I looked it up again and labeled myself as non-binary. It still didn't feel right, but I shrugged that off and delved deeper into the meaning of the identification. Agender is the term I found and labeled myself as for the ending of June, and for July and August.

When grade ten started up and I introduced myself to everyone as my feminine name and as feminine pronouns, it started to sink in that the title of 'agender' I had taken up, didn't fit. Not to mention, that I didn't want to be called they/them because it felt like I was an object and not a person. The pronouns I had requested my best friend to use for me, weren't the right ones and I didn't know what to go by.

Until, the thought of actually being transgendered came to mind. I tried to push it away again, but instead found myself looking it up and watching YouTube videos explaining what it is and transgendered people speaking about it.

After that, I tried to wrap my head around the fact that I could be transgendered. So, I did more and more research.

I always had considered myself more masculine, and I hated a lot of things feminine. Most things... feminine. I hated being considered it, and so to experiment - I tested myself. I wore the shirts my brother had given to me years before and talked to the vice principal at the school to call me a more masculine name that my best friend helped me pick out.

I was afraid of judgment so for awhile the people (that knew I was questioning) called me they/them until I decided that I would prefer he/him.

I accepted myself as transgendered, or at least as good as I could. I felt guilty and ashamed for a bit, and I am self-conscious and afraid that people will judge me, but I know that eventually, it will pass. It has to because I am confident in being transgender despite the fact that people will tell me that it is just a 'phase'.

I am as prepared as I can be for the incoming hate that I am bound to receive when I come out. I just hope that none of that hate comes from my family, but knowing I won't be that lucky, I will just have to face them... give them time and hopefully, they will learn to accept me. If not, that is their loss.

They lost me, not the other way around.