Flaws

Prologue

There wasn't really exact point it started, it just kind of happened. Eventually I realized I wasn't the skinniest girl in the world. I had thunder thighs, chicken wings, fat rolls... I just wasn't skinny. I guess that if I had asked anyone else they would've said that I wasn't fat, that I was the perfect weight, but I didn't see it like that.

For a while I ignored it. I knew very well I didn't look good, but I tried to not let it bring me down. There were a few times where I would feel sick to my stomach from how much I ate, but I never acted on it.

Things changed when my dad died. I had always been a little daddy's girl and with him gone I had no one to go to. He died in August 2010, right before I started high school. I closed myself off and wouldn't let anyone in. I lost all of my friends, all of this made me an easy target for bullies. It took half the year before I would talk to Sarah, my mother, or my sister, Dilan.

Dilan is still the only one I really talk to. She doesn't really know where I am coming from, seeing as she was popular in high school, but she's a good listener. She doesn't question my metaphors, she doesn't correct me, she doesn't advise me, she just listens and when I am done comforts me. Sarah does the exact opposite. She tells me that I need to get over it, be strong, that dad wouldn't have wanted this. This is why I can't talk to her.

Every time she would say something like that it would take a piece out of me. After a while of living with something like that I just learned to tune her out. For some reason it was so easy it was so easy to just blank her out but it wasn't the same deal for the bullies at my school. I wasn't able to ignore them. Maybe it was because they were right and Sarah was just wrong.

By this time it was the middle of sophomore year. The bullying was worse than it ever had been before. Now it wasn't an occasional "Fatso" or "Whale", it was every day. Every day, every class, every minute, people were staring, muttering and whispering things about me. The more confident bullies would come right up to me and call me names, push me down, throw my stuff out the bus window, and just generally make my life a living hell.

At the end of sophomore year I had an amazing idea. The whole reason I was being bullied was because I was fat, right? So if I just lost weight then my problem would be solved. SO I started eating half of my calories. It was simple, instead of eating a full bowl of cereal I would just throw away half of it. I also started avoiding foods that were horrible for me, such as, candies, crisps, pastries, just junk food in general.

It went on like that for at least a month, me eating half of my calories. In mid-July, when I felt like I wasn't losing enough weight, I started excising. Now this may not seem like such a bad thing to you, and it really wasn't at first, but soon I was excising all day and still only eating half calories. I was constantly hungry. But I took that as a good thing. It meant that I was losing weight, and I loved it.

I kept up that routine all the rest of the summer, and I was fine. I had lost some weight so I thought that the bullying would stop. I was wrong. When I came back to school in the fall it seemed as if everyone had met up to figure out the best way to insult me and embarrass me. Dilan had gone away for her freshman year of college so I was left with no one to talk to. I did the only thing I could think of, lose more weight.

Soon it wasn't just about stopping the bullying, it was an addiction of sorts. I knew I was good at it, so why stop? I started eat less and less until I was barely eating enough to survive off of. By this time Sarah had noticed something was off. She began making me eat in front of her sometimes instead of letting me just go up to my bedroom to 'eat'. I was worried for a while, I had no idea what to do. So I did the only thing that came to mind, I threw up.

Then came another addiction. Before when I was craving something I wouldn't let my self have it, now I could. About once a month I would eat until I couldn't eat anymore, then I would throw it up. No harm done. This way I never gained any weight, and I kept losing more.

I started using more and more methods to throw up. Often I would use laxatives to lose weight. Another one of my favorites was hydrogen peroxide. I happened to know that if you swallow it you will throw. I found this out when I was using for mouthwash and I accidently swallowed it. The best part of it is that you don't feel sick afterwards. It became my go to for purging.

Now we can't forget the classic finger-down-the-throat trick. Everyone has used this at one point or another, whether it is was to get out of going to school, or to try to sooth an upset stomach, or, the reason I did, to help lose weight.

All of this brings me up to current date. It's Christmas vacation and Dilan has come home. I know we are having a family dinner tonight, but I'm not worried. I can just get rid of it after wards. It won't be a problem

~1004 words

A/N:

 

This is one of my previous stories on a different account, but I am changing it a little bit. That past story was also a fanfiction from when I was into One Direction *shudders*. Now it will be completely different. But if you see like very similar first three chapters in another book don’t be alarmed. It most likely my old story which I only got three chapters in. I will delete that other story as soon as I can remember my password to that old account.

 

P.S. No hate to you if you like One Direction. I am just not into them anymore!

 

-  Idontdrinkstarbucks