I don’t remember well. It’s all blur. It’s not clear. It feels like a lucid dream. I wish it is. I wish all of my life is dream. I’d wake up at any moment now and realize ‘Oh my, it was all a dream. My life is better than that. It was just a nightmare.’ I wish. But this is reality. My reality! I’ll have to live with it till the end. I only wish if I could change it. Oh, I’d give anything for it to change. I don’t remember clearly how or when it all started. It’s just a blur, bits and pieces of my memories floating around in my mind. I don’t remember which picture comes first and which follows next. It’s all a mess there in my head. I wish I could just erase them all, clean it off. Oh, I wish lots of things! I got my own long wish list.
The first thing I remember, or what I think is first, is I'm there in that house for my vacation like every year I did. There he is too. It’s his house, my close relative. He is not much older than me, just 4 years elder. I could have been of age 7 or 8 or 6 probably. I'm not sure. I am just a kid. All the other members are out in farm, working. He is babysitting me. And I am playing. He suggests a game. I agree. I was not supposed to. But I was a naive, innocent child who didn’t know the rules. It’s a new game. I'm interested. No one has ever played it with me. I’m just glad that I have a playmate. I go on with the game. I don’t know what I am doing in the game. He just plays till he says it’s over. We finish the game. I don’t understand what that was. But he tells me to not tell anyone. I don’t. I haven’t. And I guess I will never. It’s now a deep dark secret between us, buried deep down the darkest corner of my mind.
Next thing I know, I'm even younger than then. I'm at my friend’s house. He is upstairs, doing I don’t remember what. He’d be here anytime now. His mother is outside. She could be here anytime now. His father is here, holding me in his arms. I'm laughing because he is swirling me around. I'm giggling, happy, unaware of my fate. He stops, places me on his lap. I'm uncomfortable because there is something hard beneath me. I'm trying to remove it. He stops me. He holds my chin, making my face still. I part my lips, wanting to ask ‘what is it?’ But he forces his tongue into my mouth. I'm surprised. I don’t know what is happening and why. Whatever it is, I'm not liking it. I want it to stop. I try to push him far. He is strong. He tastes unpleasant. I want him out and far from me. I am struggling to be free. He finally leaves me. I don’t understand what just happened. I don’t know how to feel. He tells me to not tell anyone. Some next day, I'm back at that house. I don’t know why I ever returned there. His father takes me to a dark room. He repeats what he did earlier, this time cutting it short to his business. Again he reminds me to not tell anyone. But I did. I told my mother. It’s some other day, I'm watching TV. They are showing some show. It plays the scene similar to what he did to me. I pointed it to my mother and told her that He did same to me. She looks shocked or something similar, I'm not sure. She asks if I'm sure. I nod. She tells me to not tell anyone and also tells me to not let him do it again. I do as I am told. I have not allowed him to touch me again. And I have also not told anyone. It’s now a secret between us three, that is if my mother remembers what she was told. Somehow I doubt it.
There is another bit of memory. I don’t know where this exactly fits in the timeline. I'm in school library in a meeting of a school club that I'm member of. There is our teacher on the other end. He calls me over. I oblige. I reach by his side. He winds his arm around my waist, pulls me close. I'm uncomfortable. I look at my other fellow members. Some of them are watching us. They look uncomfortable too. Or are they sorry for me. It looks like sympathy on their face, I'm not sure. I guess the latter. He keeps me close, rubbing his hand up and down my side. I'm uncomfortable. I want to leave. I'm not sure how long he held me but I'm glad to be finally free. I feel sad on my way home. I wish I could undo the day.
This one I think happened before the previous one. This is one thing here I'm sure about because this is what made me uncomfortable till today. I'm 11 years old now. It’s evening now. I'm in my own house but in my next-door-neighbor’s room. The door is wide open. I can see outside. I can feel cool waft of air coming in. I'm looking outside through the door. He comes, sits beside me. I already feel uncomfortable. He has not done anything yet. But I can hear his intentions. I can see his intended moves. Quickened breaths, I get up immediately trying for the escape. He holds my hand, pulls me to his lap. I can’t breathe. I can’t think clearly. I want to disappear right now. I don’t think I can escape him. He is stronger than me. He is making me looking at him. I don’t want to. He is trying to join his lips to mine. I avoid him. He is not successful. His hands make their way inside my pants. I cry. I whisper ‘No. Please. Don’t. No. Please. No. Stop. Please.’ Tears are clouding my eyes. I can't see clearly now. He tries to hush me, pleads ‘Just once. One time. Shhh…This time. Just this time. Shhh. Shhh… It’s okay. Shhh…’ I want to scream. I can't. I'm just crying. I'm wishing for someone to come through that door or the hallway. No, I can't let him do this to me. I can't let him win, not him. I inhale long breathe of air. I push him aside with all my efforts. I struggle. I manage to wriggle out of his grasp. I run to my room crying. I want to scream. I can still feel his hands all over me. I want them off. I can't. I just sit here crying. This time I know I'm to not tell anyone.
Few months next, I'm in a store. I'm with my dad. He's been my hero. I'm tagging along him while he's inspecting the bin. I smell the whiskey my dad drinks. I look at him. There’s nothing that should stink. I feel a presence behind me. I turn around. I see a man there looking at me. I'm on alert. I'm uncomfortable. I know what’s coming in. I move closer to my dad, sure he will protect me. But I can't shake the bad that I'm feeling. He moves closer to us, too close that it’s burning. I'm dreading. He keeps whispering. I can't understand. He moves closer to me. I look at my dad. He's not caring. I look back at the man. He's leaning. He’s saying things I despise. I don’t know why my dad is turning aside. I see another person sneering at that man. I don’t understand my dad. I kept looking at my dad, silently asking to come set me free. But he's not even glancing at me. I want to know why. I'm moving away from my dad, escaping the man’s boundary. He's moving towards me still whispering those things. But why is my dad not saving me. He looks at me, I stare helplessly. He diverts his gaze away from me. And I'm torn just like this. It’s devastating! I hope my dad’s arms were instead comforting. I weep silent tears, moving away from them. I realize I don’t have anyone. I realize I never had anyone to tell the tale.
I'm in my HPE class and we are studying sex education for the first time. I stare at the human anatomy. I can hear my friends whisper and giggle. I just keep staring. I read the contents and don’t understand what’s funny. I listen to my teacher explaining. He is teaching us our body parts only. I sit through the lectures of such. Dread fills me as he describes the reproduction. All these memories come flooding through my mind. I can't breathe. I can't listen. I can't focus. I just keep staring in horror. I just remember one thing he said, “…if the fertilization does not occur, the menstruation cycle resumes.” I'm screaming inside. I wish I could die. I realize I have not had my periods ever. My friends were bleeding and complaining. I never did. The fact sinks in. I realize I could be pregnant. I didn’t know. I cannot let him. I cannot let anyone touch me. Thereafter, I cried every day and night I was alone. I wished to die. I passed several months in dread that my belly would swell. I waited and waited. Nothing changed. Neither did my belly swell nor did I ever bled. I thought something was wrong with me. My younger self just didn’t know it was not the time for me. I realized I have always been used. I wanted to ask why. I didn’t understand why the destiny chose me to defy. What did I ever do wrong? Where did I ever go wrong? I just wanted to ask why. The question still close to me.
And then I saw a girl today. Looked in her eyes. See myself in her eyes and just like that I come undone again, all the memories flooding my mind. I now realize she is also asking why.
