The Lies

First and Foremost

I am just me, I am just a human, I make mistakes, we all make mistakes. Sometimes we can't handle our mistakes anymore, we lie, lied, and lied to. We're not happy, are we? we all have those happy days but we end up in sleepless nights. We lied, you lied, I lied. I lied when I said I was happy, when I said I was okay, and when I said everything's fine. I need help yet no one is there. I'm scared to death but it seems like I am craving for it. When you saw me smiling, that's a lie. When you saw me laughing, that's a lie. When you saw me happy, that's a lie.

All my life nobody stood by me, there's no one else has ever behind me. I wanna talk to you, I wanna talk to someone about everything. But sad to say, my problems only exists in my own eyes. You never saw me cry, why? Because you weren't there all the time or whenever I need you. You know what? Someone told me that I'm gonna get over it, so I believe in that "gonna get over it" I waited, but it didn't work. My eyes were tired and they can no longer speak out for me. I'm broken and bruised. Nobody heard me, I want to save myself, but I just can't.

Why do you have to stab me at my back? Why didn't you just stab me when I was there facing in front of you?! You don't have to lie and tell me that I am close to perfection, you are free to tell me the truth that I shouldn't have existed because my life is too unfortunate.  I want to say I don't care, but I can't because it's me who's hurting. I wanna speak out for myself but I know no one will listen so I stayed silent and now you're telling me that I am too coward. And again, I lied, I lied when I said it doesn't hurt me, that it doesn't affect me at all. I lied when I said it's just a blade when it's literally a knife to me. I lied when I said it was just your joke yet it is an insult to me. I lied when I said it's all okay, but that would be probably the cause of my death.

My thoughts were destroying me, I tried not to think but silence was a killer too. The emptiness in my eyes, the way I smile with my mouth but not with my eyes, no one notices my tears, no one notices my sadness, but they all notice my mistakes. I am dying from over thinking, I am slowly killing myself by thinking about everything. Think, think, think it's a death trap. I don't know what to do anymore. Stop judging me, you can't handle half of what I've dealt with. There's a reason I am who I am.

What if I die? I wonder how does it feel to sleep forever, would it simply like closing your eyes for a very long time? What's the feeling of being emotionless and numb? How does it feel lying six feet below the ground? Is the pain before death unbearable? Is the pain of reaching your end intolerable? Would I really feel anything at all? What are you going to feel? Would you cry? Would you suffer depression, anxiety and lack of sleep like what I am facing right now? Would you feel the same feeling of hatred and hate? Will you blame yourself? Will you realize that it's your fault why I am now sleeping breathless? Will you realize that it's your fault why suicidal thoughts are hunting me every night? Think of your words, calling me "loser", "stupid" and "useless". Blades may create scars, but your words can create scars that engraved within my soul, that will remind me every single day that one person has killed me on the way that no blood was shed but the pain can be felt.

I don't want to watch myself like this anymore, I'm gonna stand. Not to make revenge but to make you believe, that you can shut me down but you can't turn me off. My life is not over, I'm not gonna take away me beauty from the world. And to all of you, we are all important. It's okay to cry, it's okay to scream let us fight for ourselves together, let us wipe our tears. Billions of people around us but in the end, it is still us who can save ourselves. It is still us who can make it all right. There's a reason we do things we do, and there's a reason we are who we are. Let us be true to ourselves. And stop all the lies.

A/N: If you think you read it nice, you can message me of what do you think about this or suggest more thoughts or feelings so I can update more piece. Thanks.