Lost on you

the tears i cried

People all along thought of me pretty , smart and with a bright future to come but not my Mom . She has always been the first one to criticize me and judge all my actions and accomplishments . Never satisfied and constantly craving for more . You would think i'm exaggerating , but unfortunatly it is what it is " the bitter truth" .

My Mum's vague behavior was the greatest barrier between us and having a close and strong relationship . It also induced a feeling of coldness and rigidity inside of me that slowly grovled into my veins , To the point where i wasn't able to feel or share the love of my friends and family . You can simply say that it overruled my heart until it became my permanent companion .

Given the circumstances , i found myself inside a shell that i have created . Altough i'm an outgoing person , i never let anybody in . I always gave people the chance to look at me as if i were an open book but they knew almost nothing about me . I developped a sense of deception that i could hardly get rid of , it's when it all started .

In my eyes i have forever been this small girl with big dreams . I liked writing and languages , due to this tremendous passion i learned almost 14 languages at the age of 16 . A simple girl with a huge desire for fame ,success and power . A girl who never gained any control over her life , yet she managed to stand up for her dreams . I fought hard aginst Mom that wanted me to become a doctor or a lawyer . I found myself under such pressure from the moment i became slef aware and concious of this world and the only way to dispose this feeling of impotency , was to grow pride , while bringing everyone else's down (especially men) .

To bring men's vanity to burn was my favorite game . I became obsessed with powerful and arrogant men . I enjoyed killing thir pride and weakening their manhood . With every relationship i went through , i got colder and so uncarring that i ended few relations without even picking a phone to send a last goodby message . I haven't had many boyfriends but i know i had broken many hearts and it only gave me a good rush to lunch and break more and more .

Until one lonely Sunday came in . I was sitting in my favorite cafe just me and my laptop and our creativity . I was so engaged in writing that i forgot about everyone around me until a man entred . I couldn't help but looking at his strong , tall body from afar . As he got closer his facial features started to show more clearly . He had black silky hair with natural angled eybrows and dark hazel eyes , his croocked thin nose mediated his face to fit perfectly with his pointed jaw . But what attracted me the most was his bow shaped lips , they were so red and irresistable . Besides his appearance his trancendent attitude catched my attention . From the way he walked to the way he talked to the waiter and the way he dressed , it all suggested that he's a persuming kind of man . As he walked pass me, his smell was suspended in my nose , the more i breath his scent the more i smile archly . Deep inside i knew he was the next fun for this month , only if i drew attention .

I stopped writing as my thoughts were heavily interrupted by the fascinating scene right in front of me . I was thinking of a way to interract with him or at least to drag his attention to my presence . Eventually i decided to leave the cafe , i asked for the bill and headed outside , minutes later outside the cafe i heared somone shouting

_" wait up miss ,hold on ! "

i turned quitely it's when i saw him , it was the waiter . i sighed slowly and smiled at him.

_"you forgot your phone " he said , while streching his hand to hand it over to me

_ " oh really ! thank you " i replied and took my phone and put it in my bag

_ " no problem "

I decided to walk becaue i was too angry to wait for the bus . I hoped it would be the man sitting in front of me who'd bring me the phone but i did not get lucky this time . So i continued my way raging with fire and balming myself for leaving the cafe so soon