Bad at love

"I love you." She said cupping my face with her hands, she looked me straight in the eyes as she spoke and I knew, I knew that she meant it. She meant it with her whole heart. I wanted to say it back, I really did, I knew in my heart that I loved her too. I loved her more than I've ever loved anything, but I was scared. She must have seen the doubt in my eyes because she let go of my face and turned away, those beautiful eyes with their unique mixture of green and brown turned down to the floor, escaping my gaze.

"But you don't love me back." She stated and I felt my heart exploding into a million little pieces. Her head dropped even lower and her black messy curls fell over her face. "That's fine. I'll live." She turned away and was just about to walk away when I reached out, grabbing ahold of her waist, pulling her back against me. With one arm I held her close to me while I gently pushed away her hair with the other, resting my chin on her shoulder.

"Zi." I whispered in her ear, but she didn't move, I could barley feel her breathing. "Zizi." When I used her full name she swallowed hard and in the corner of my eye I saw her biting her lip, her big lips painted in blood red lipstick. "I love you Zi, I'm just bad at love. I'm bad for you." At this she turned around, her face just millimeters from mine. Her eyes once again met mine, the black around them enhancing her green-brown eyes.

"You don't get to decide that." Zi said, lightly shaking her head, grabbing my neck with her hands, to hold me still. "I'm no expert on love either, but I want to be with you. Even if you think you'll hurt me, I want you and only you." She stood on her toes, reaching up to kiss me. Her lips as soft as always, lips moving slowly against each other. I broke the kiss, resting my forehead on hers.

"Yeah, but you don't know what I mean." I sighed, knowing that I'd only end up hurting her, I always managed to do something wrong or have something come in the way.

"So tell me." She said, running her fingers through my bright blue hair, sending shivers down my spine. I sighed before closing my eyes, starting the story of my life.

"My first love I met when I still lived in Michigan. He always tasted of Jack and the more time spent together, the more he tasted of it. I was sure he had an affair with a friend. So I told him 'I don't like your friends'. He called me a bitch and left me alone on the side of the road. So I had to walk home in the dark.

The next one came when I went to college in the garden states. We fell hard and fast in love, I shared my dreams of making music for a living. When he proposed I said that I wanted to wait until I've got a career. He told me there was no need to, I could be a housewife and he could earn all the cash. But that wasn't what I wanted so I ran away. I never even said goodbye, I just disappeared.

When I went to Los Angeles to start a career in music I met this girl, with the bluest eyes I've ever seen. I thought that she was the one, but she fell in love with little white lines and I knew I had to leave. I couldn't watch as she buried her nose in white snow.

After a gig I met this girl, she was from London and she was throwing her drink at a man who tried to grab her boob. I helped her get rid of them and we fell in love. But we kept the relationship secret, we dated like we had an affair. It was thrilling for awhile, it felt like we were committing a crime. Then life got in the way, I had to go on tour and I couldn't trust her, I couldn't leaver her in Los Angeles, I was sure she'd cheat. So I left her and broke her heart.

I always make the same mistakes. I meet someone toxic or I get too jealous. I'm bad at love."

"Darling, you're still young, we're still young. You're not bad at love, you love with all your heart and your love gives me light." She said, stroking my cheek. I shook my head.

"I'm bad at love. Don't know why I keep trying, but I guess you can't blame me. But I'd lie if I told you, that you'll be the one that could finally fix me. I'm sorry Zi, but look at my history, I'm bad at love." I said and broke away from her embrace. I didn't deserve her, it was better for me to break her heart now, before we were in too deep. Better to end this now before we crashed and burned. However, she didn't let me walk away, she followed me, her boots hitting the floor as she ran after me out of the apartment.

"Go inside. You'll catch a cold." I told her as I lit a cigarette. She was standing next to me in the rain, still only dressed in her tight black dress and fishnet stockings, she'd only thrown on a pair of doctor martens before following me outside.

"Oh, and you won't?" She countered, raising her eyebrow while looking at me. I was dressed in a skirt, a worn out band t-shirt and a pair of worn out converse on my feet.

"I don't care about me." I simply answered. Taking a long drag from my cigarette.

"But I do." She answered taking a step closer to me. I knew I should move back, I knew that I shouldn't let her come too close. But I didn't have the energy, I didn't have the strength. She reached out to touch my hair, now a darker shade of blue as it's soaked with rain. I turned my head and looked at her, her make up was running, if it was from crying or just the rain I didn't know. Maybe it was a mixture of both. "Please don't just give up. Don't run away from me because you're scared. Please." And how could I say no to that? How could I ever look into her eyes and tell her no? How could I look at that perfect face and not give her what she wants? It wasn't going to happen. I gave in, I don't care if we'll crash and burn. Not right now. Not when she looked at me like that, not when she was this beautiful and cold, drenched in rain. I dropped my cigarette and pulled her in for a hug. I pressed her as close as I possibly could, feeling the tears rolling down my cheeks. "I really do hope you'll be the exception. I'm going to pray that we don't crash and burn." I whispered as I buried my face in her wet hair. "I love you so much Zi." I whispered even lower and she tilted her head up, looking at me, a mixture of relief and sadness on her face. "I love you too Hailey." Hearing her say my name along with those words were too much for me and I dipped down to kiss her. Trying to tell her everything I couldn't say in words. Pressing her against me, kissing her as if my life depended on it. And maybe it did. Maybe my life depended on her love. 

AN: Based on the song "Bad at love" by Halsey