again

ass

   it happened again.
   tetsuo pulled his sleeves down to hide the mess of bruised scratches and cuts, even though it's so hot. he's an idiot and did it down to his wrists, despite that he promised himself he wouldnt do it there anymore. but it feels best there.
   the dried blood he missed washing off caught on his sleeve and stung, and the rest of it was sensitive and irritated from the hot, wet cloth he rubbed on it. he didn't care, for now. for now, he liked how it felt. for now, he liked how it looked. for now, it belonged on him. he deserved it.

   kaneda came to school high. like, super high. higher than usual, but not high enough to be funny- just boring. the way he walked could be confused for a fearful scuttle and you'd almost care to ask, but then you'd see his dilated pupils and how he stared at his hands like they were changing.
   he entered the classroom with his hands in his pockets and his head tilted down. kaneda stomped up the stairs and dramatically flopped down next to kaisuke and tetsuo, sighing and staring at the ceiling.
   kaisuke stared for a while. "you anxious about somethin'?"
   kaneda blinked before looking at him. "huh? why?"
   "you took some weird shit, didn't you?"
   "yeah," kaneda replied like he was asked if he'd changed his shirt.
   kaisuke looked to tetsuo with a grimace. tetsuo was rested with his cheek on his hand. he offered a bored shrug.
  kai turned back to kaneda. "what'd you take?"
  kaneda picked up an ass cheek to reach into a butt-pocket. he pulled out a baggie of a few fat, blue tablets and threw them on the desk space in front of him. tetsuo leaned over kaisuke's shoulder to see better.
   "shiiit, that looks cheap," kaisuke said. "gimme some."

   tetsuo sat on the toilet seat pretending to shit. he didn't feel any particular way, he just felt like some alone time.
   he sat there for a while and enjoyed the silence. he hummed a song. he pulled up his sleeve and rubbed his injuries gently, carefully. sorry, he would have said if he'd liked himself just a little more.
   some people separate mind and body, emotions and pumping hearts, thoughts and skin cells, cells and organs and blood just doing their job. tetsuo does not separate those. the same skin he's harming is the same skin that wants it, told him to, deserves it. even though the flesh did no such thing.
   someone walked into the bathroom and tetsuo tensed. the person stepped a bit, his shoes squeaking, then stopped and turned toward tetsuo's stall. tetsuo thought of pulling on some toilet paper. flushing. even farting.
   "tetsuo?" the person said confidently.
   it was kaneda. tetsuo closed his eyes and sighed through his nose as quietly as he could. "yes?"
   "why ya hiding in here?" he was right against the door. tetsuo huffed.
   "i feel like it. why are you here?"
    "checkin' on ya." kaneda leaned back and was quiet for a second. he stepped around a bit. "you've been gone for a while." he seemed to think. "and i know you're not shitting, i would smell it."
   tetsuo sighed again, as he does around kaneda. still, his voice made him smile a bit, made his heart jittery. he pulled his sleeve down and slowly opened the door.
   "i wasn't hiding," he said, "i was just hanging out."
   kaneda seemed happy to see him. "on the toilet?"
   tetsuo made an annoyed gesture. what's it look like? kaneda shrugged.
   the older boy of fifteen moved to hop and sit on top of the sink. tetsuo watched him with his head down. kaneda clasped his hands and leaned back, moving his eyes to his friend. "hmm. my drugs are wearing off." tetsuo didn't say anything, but raised his head a bit to see the other boy better. "i did take 'em cause i," he wiped his nose, staring at the wall, "i wasn't feelin' great."
   "what'd'ya mean?"
   "i dunno. sober life is dumb, now." he itched at his hand and studied it. "without something in me i get bored and do stupid shit."
   tetsuo moved his eyes away and back, staying in place.
   kaneda bit his tongue between his front teeth and smiled, finally looking to tetsuo. "want some?"
   tetsuo frowned. "you just gave me a D.A.R.E. speech."
   "come on, don't be a pussy." the words were for convincing, but he jumped down decidedly as if tetsuo had already agreed. the younger boy sighed.
   kaneda dropped onto the floor by the sink and tetsuo joined him, avoiding his eyes. kaneda pulled out his baggie with two tablets left, his face tired and relaxed. he got one and gave it to tetsuo, then dumped the other one into his mouth.
   tetsuo stared at the drug. maybe it'll help. he took it.

   tetsuo didn't feel anything for a while, just a bit woozy and distant. kaneda seemed to be a bit more energized and thoughtful, which left tetsuo behind in his state. he didn't mind, though. it was like sober kaneda with more sleep. he liked sober kaneda.
   they talked for a while, and kaneda kept scooting closer as he got more comfortable. he got his hand to rest behind tetsuo eventually, so that tetsuo was against his shoulder. but the rest of kaneda was relaxed and friendly, so tetsuo didn't know how to act. was he supposed to lean in? lean away? point it out? he decided to just sit still and be comfortable.
   "hey, you look hot," kaneda said. he didn't seem to take into account that it might be because of his proximity.
   "oh. yeah." tetsuo leaned away and loosened his sweatshirt. "yeah. those drugs are giving me the sweats. what was in them?"
   "caffeine and some kind of hallucinogen. and other stuff i guess."
   "well, it's not working on me. i told you that over-the-counter stuff was bullshit." he ripped off his sweatshirt after struggling with it for a bit, then threw it onto the floor to the side. he sighed, feeling better, and leaned his head against the wall. kaneda didn't put his hand back behind him.
   a silence.
   "...when'd you do that?"
   tetsuo flinched and closed his eyes tight, but didn't put the energy in to move. he slowly relaxed again as kaneda's eyes kept burning into him. not angry, not impatient, not incredibly curious, but persistent.
   "last night," he said, rolling his head to face away from him.
   kaneda stayed serious. "what'd you do it with?"
   tetsuo breathed in through his nose. "a pencil," he said.
   "desperate, huh?"
   "i guess. can we not talk about it?"
   suddenly his voice changed. "we need to talk about it! because if you get caught you know they're gonna send you to some crazy person place."
   tetsuo swallowed a yawn and opened his eyes. the ceiling was swirling. everything was swirling. "woah, it just hit," he said.

   "so you think i'm crazy?" tetsuo said on their walk down the school stairs. his voice echoed off the large hallway despite how quiet he was. things were still wiggling. his voice even sounded distorted. he blinked hard a few times.
   kaneda was not quiet. "huh? oh. no. but there are people who do, and they take that shit serious. you're fucked if you get caught."
   "it's not that big of a deal," tetsuo said with his normal volume.
   "not a big deal?" kaneda exclaimed. "that's like seein' you tried to kill yourself to them. sure, it's just some pencil cuts, but they'll get sued if they see that and don't do anything."
   "how do you know?" tetsuo mumbled, slowing down.
   kaneda stepped one foot down a step and stopped to turn to his friend. "you know Chances High?"
   tetsuo pulled his sweatshirt closer. "no."
   "some kid killed himself and the school was sued for having not done anythin'. the school won, but still." he gazed off and rubbed his nose. "if the kid'd lived he woulda been embarrassed as hell."
   "i'm not gonna kill myself, though!" tetsuo yelped.
   kaneda looked back. "yeah, maybe." tetsuo made a face. "let's keep goin'." the older boy turned and continued his walk down the stairs.
   when they reached the bottom, kaneda patted tetsuo's sweatshirt and tetsuo pulled it back on. turning around and looking back at the stairs, though, he realized they were all shifting. all shifting. all shifting.
   "what do you see?" kaneda asked, breaking his attention. "oh, i get it. it's still hitting, huh? i still feel weird, too. colors are weird." he laughed, but tetsuo didn't like it. he rubbed his eyes.
   "when is this gonna wear off?" he asked, quickly stepping up to him.
   "few hours, i guess." kaneda walked past the long hallway to their class and through the swinging doors to the outside. tetsuo looked around and followed him obediently.