Collection Of Broken Tales.

Dreams

The moment you'd rather stay asleep and escape reality, is the moment you've permanently fucked up. I only see him in my dreams now. Just out of reach. So close... but yet so far... His voice the on going echo stuck in my head, playing on a constant loop. I always reach out to him but his body becomes air that slips between my fingertips. At first I thought it was because I've never felt his actual touch. Our first kiss never happened. I couldn't even have him in my dreams. Never held his hand. Never got to lay in complete silence. Him sound asleep next to me. The room so quiet I could hear his heart beat and the uneven breaths escaping him. I never had him.

I used to feel at ease by the fact that I could finally see his face. Even if it wasn't a reality. His blue eyes finally meeting mine. I've fallen in love through pictures, phone calls, and late night video games. I fell in love with the thought of being with him. The way he made me feel like a person. The way he made me feel like me. After you've had the same damn dream over and over again. You start to become physically and emotionally sick. You feel deprived. Deprived from the touch you've never felt. Deprived from all the "I love you"s you've never got to exchange.

I started to become insane. Missing his voice, his attention, his way of making me feel like I was on top of the world with just a simple "hello". When he called me beautiful, I for once in my whole life believed I was. The one day all of it stopped. The "you're so cute"s, the "you deserve better"s, the calls, the texts, the snapchats. Then I lost his voice. I've fallen in love with sleeping because that's the only place I got to see him. Even if I still couldn't touch him, seeing his blue eyes was good enough.

I was so wrapped around his little finger that I forgot about the relationship I was currently in. The fact that I was going to leave a two year relationship for him.. I was ridiculous. I was so mad when it all stopped with out an explanation.. I was so mad at my self for letting my feelings grow for a man I never met. I started questioning my morals and who I was as a person.

Then is when I realized, I've become everything I promised my self I wouldn't be. A self involved, hypocritical, lying, cheating, useless, depressed, lost girl stuck on a stupid guy. He has become my worst nightmare when he used to be my favorite day dream. Every little things reminds me of him, words ending in "ington".. It sickens me that every Blonde haired blue eyed white fuck boy I saw, I wanted it to be him. But it never will be. I hate him, I hate the feelings I have for him. I hate how my heart beats faster when I think about him or see him on instagram. I hate him for taking my heart, building it stronger, filling all the cracks and tears with gorilla glue, then shattered it.

But all of that means nothing now. Every fucking word that came out of his mouth was a lie. It was all just a perfect illusion, a beautiful lie. The fucked up thing is I still love him and want the absolute best for him. I still constantly think about him. Otherwise I wouldn't be writing this. But I know I'm not a thought in his. I know this because I would get my hellos back..

You know how at the end of some songs, some artists talk the one that always gets me is at the end of "Million Miles Away" by Mansionz. There's a conversation that goes like this. "I mean at first you're gonna pretend to forget about her. You might call her, I don't know what ever. But eventually you really will forget about her." "But what is she comes back first" "Hmm, see, that's the thing they some how know not to come back until you really forget."

And I forgot.. I forgot what his voice sounded like, the jokes he would make. I forgot how bright blue his eyes were, how straight and white his teeth were, and how his smile made me feel. I forgot and as soon as I forgot, be came back.... I let him do it all over again.. I'm left broken again. I forgot how much he effected me. I'm going through the pain all over again. The long nights of me staying up crying not understanding what it is about me that makes him do this to me.. Is it the distance, or am I just never going to be good enough.

I miss him. I hate him. I love him. I wish he was dead.