Along the words of Hazel Grace Lancaster and the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland, "I believe that we have a choice in this world about how to tell sad stories. On the one hand you can sugarcoat it, like the way they do in movies and romance novels, where beautiful people learn beautiful lessons. I liked that version as much as the next girl does, believe me. It's just not the truth.
This is the truth, sorry." "You're not the same as you were before. You were much more... 'Muchier.' You've lost your 'Muchness'. These dialogues kept on repeating like broken vinyl records in my head as I wrote this essay.
As I sat in that hospital room watching my dad lay unconscious, hooked up to strange beeping machines, he looked so vulnerable. As I kept observing him, memories started flashing back to me in a matter of seconds.
Many of us spend a great deal of time loving, arguing and bickering with our dads so that the day we leave home, we end up with tears, sorrows and regrets. That's not the type of relationship I have with my dad, I have a freeform relationship with him, thus making it as complex as understanding thermodynamics and as simple as getting into uniform.
Mark Twain once said, "The two most important days of your life, is the day you are born and the day you find out why." I never knew what this quote meant until I got involved with DECA Ontario. DECA has played a pivotal role in my life by guiding me towards my path in life. Being in DECA requires hard work, passion and a work ethic. My father has been in the corporate world for nearly three decades and he taught me the value of a work ethic and pushing myself to my limits by saying to me, "If you want it, you have to go get it although it might require a lot of work." From late night study sessions to following coffee runs in the morning, I must admit he truly was the best study partner out there.
During summer 2014 on a somber rainy day reminding me of my breakup, my dad took me on a long drive to talk about it. The rain was gently pitter pattering against the windows with a tranquil beat. "Not much is known as to why people break our hearts, or treat us like we're nothing, but it happens and it's a part of life. This is your first heartbreak, and there will be many more, but it gets easier and less painful each time. I raised you to be a strong, independent girl, so don't let a boy redefine your choices and decisions. Heartbreak is like a construction worker smashing a hole in your heart. The heart becomes a broken wall crying and screaming in pain and desperate to be healed and new yet again." Listening to him talk helped me reflect on a lot of situations in my life at the time and it was a great contrast to my cluttered state of mind as the sounds of the rain were tapping and dancing against the windows during the drive.
While gently smiling as he held my hand, he said, "'The fault dear Brutus is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings, spoken by Julius Caesar.' That was my favorite quote by Shakespeare." I looked confused with the past term and asked, "You said was, why isn't it your favorite anymore?" He looked at me like with a broken face and said, "It's the truth now, that's why. Do you know what it means?" "No, not really, I've seen the movie related to it but haven't thought that much about it." He chuckled a little bit then replied, "It means that fate is not what drives people to their decisions and actions, but rather the human conditions." I looked confused and said, "So it's our fault due to conditions?" He looked at me as said, "Precisely." I spent the rest of the afternoon with him reminiscing about old times and laughing at the stories he told me of when he was a troubled youth.
It's Monday, April the 11th, my dad is now resting at home from chemotherapy.
That's right, folks, this story doesn't have a fairytale ending. My father, the same guy who helped me build my work ethic, giving me relationship advice and empowering me to be a strong and independent woman is now battling with Lymphoma and sits at a hospital room as he receives chemo.
Just like Alice in Wonderland, Alice looks at situations through a different perspective after her trip to Wonderland. Watching my father go from being on top of the world to be broken down by chemo is a reality check for me. I spend my days caring about ridiculous things that in the broader perspective mean nothing. My father raised me to be independent and strong which is why I grew up faster than most people my age. I finally realized what my purpose is at the moment: To take care of my family and being there for the man responsible for shaping me to be the person that I am today.
YOU ARE READING
A different kind of Wonderland
Non-FictionA very personal story from my ever evolving changing perspective with someone who's incredibly close to me.
