Happily Never After

Cold Feet

I stared at the face in the mirror not recognizing the woman looking back at me. My makeup was much heavier than my usual and I was wearing the puffiest white dress you've ever seen. My long hair was half pulled back and the other half curly and draping over my shoulders. I was wearing my late grandmother's string of pearls. Behind me everyone was scurrying around either finishing their hair, makeup or zipping up their baby pink dresses.

I looked down at the shiny diamond ring on my freshly manicured left hand. Soon, there would be a small band accompanying it and my life would change forever, my name included. It was a scary thought honestly. It was as if I was losing my identity. I had never given it much thought until today. Typically when you think of marriage, you think of everything you are gaining, a companion, a partnership, a forever wedding date, so on and so forth. You never think about the fact that you are losing a part of you to become a part of a marriage. Your former self lost to the good ole' days.

I looked back into the mirror and saw my mom standing at my side. She was a slightly shorter and older version of me. It was as if I was staring straight into my future. She had been my best friend through my entire life, even when I hadn't realized it. I had watched her struggle and succeed all these years. I was there when she graduated with her GED and again when she graduated from college. She'd had to drop out of high school when she found out she was pregnant with me. Shortly after, she married a man who would later be referred to as my sperm donor. He didn't stick around very long and so he didn't deserve the title known as Dad.

Fortunately for us, mom met an amazing man when I was four years old who above and beyond deserves to be known as Dad. I have loved him since the day I met him and he will always hold a special place in my heart that no one could ever touch.

"You look beautiful, honey." My mom smiled at me while tears filled around her chocolate brown eyes. She was absolutely beautiful and it seemed she only got prettier as she aged.

"Thanks, mom. Just trying to keep up with you." I winked at her trying to lighten the mood. I knew she was trying to be happy for me, but she never was a fan of Wesley. Truthfully, not many people were.

My closest friends told me from the beginning that he wasn't good enough for me. Of course being naive and 22 when we met, I thought he was the only person for me. If he wasn't good enough for me, then I'd make him good enough. It seems most girls love a good project so I had found mine in him. He was rough around the edges with several bad habits. Smoking and drinking to the point of blacking out, to name a few. But I loved him with every fiber of my being. I just had to make sure I was good enough for the both of us.

Wesley's family had hearts of gold. It always made me wonder where he had gone so wrong. His mother, Mary, was a nurse at a children's hospital and his father, Lewis, was lead director at a senior citizens living center. His older sister, Lea Ellen, taught elementary school and had the sweetest little boy named Jack. Jack's dad had passed away in a car accident right after Jack was born. Poor little guy doesn't have any memories of his daddy and Lea Ellen hasn't had the heart to move on.

To the outside world they were the perfect family with the misfit son. To me, they were a whole other kind of crazy when you really got to know them. I guess that's what people do though. They hide their crazy and try to show the world just how "normal" they can be. Their only problem was the entire town knew just what kind of son Wesley was. He had several run ins with the local police, whether it was simple speeding tickets or even boating under the influence. Yes, boating. In case you didn't know there was such a thing, there is. I guess you could say he was the bad boy to my girl next door.

My best friend Sara walked up behind me to place the comb of my veil into my hair. I smiled at her in the mirror. She was always so put together. She could rule the world with a large enough planner and a big enough cup of coffee.

"You bout ready?" She asked with tears in her bright blue eyes.

"I think so. I'm getting a little nervous." She quickly reached for my hand giving it a light squeeze.

"It'll be over before ya know it. Try to enjoy every second of it. Just don't trip going down the aisle." She winked at me and walked over to the other bridesmaids. I watched as they all grabbed their little bouquets of wildflowers and baby's breath. I don't know how I got so lucky with these girls. They stood by my side regardless of their feelings toward Wesley.

I picked up my bouquet and walked over to link arms with my mom. With a smile and a nod we made our way out the door to find my dad.

Tom, aka dad, was standing near the door in grey tux with a light pink bow tie around his neck. He was a 6 foot 4 teddy bear. Most people were intimidated by his somewhat athletic build, but I had him wrapped around my pinky finger.

He smiled at me while holding back the tears. "It's not too late to change your mind you know?"

I let out a light chuckle and nudged his arm. "Stop it, dad." I let out a sigh, "No turning back now."

"If you say so, but just in case I parked my truck right by the front entrance." He and my mom laughed at his somewhat serious joke.

"He's about to be your son in law, y'all might as well start getting used to him."

My mom gave me one last hug and headed over to the entryway of the garden. It's crazy how little details come together to create such a beautiful setting. I remember picking out the flowers and having no idea how they would come together. Selecting programs, personal fans, bridesmaid dresses that suited every figure, a harpist for the music and even the type of chairs for our guests to sit in. Choosing everything separately made it nearly impossible to imagine how it would come together, but man, I did good. The light pinks and greys were beautiful.

I watched my mom getting ushered down the aisle to her seat in the front row followed by Mary. Then each of the 4 bridesmaids made their way down the aisle that just yesterday seemed like it was a mile long. Today it seems like the shortest walk I'll ever make.

I could feel my hand getting clammy and my dad realized it at the same moment. We watched Sara, the final one, begin her walk toward the alter.

"Hey, I meant what I said about my truck. Don't worry about all of those people. They don't have to live your life, you do." He squeezed my hand and place an arm around my shoulders.

I looked up at him with half a smile. "It's just nerves." The harpist began playing Angel Of Music from my all time favorite musical signaling it was our turn to walk down the aisle. "Just don't let me fall."

He gave me a forced smile and we took our places at the entrance. I looked over the crowd of familiar faces as they began to stand at their seats. This is it. No turning back now.