I have been staring at this blank page for about an hour now.
I've dealt with more this past year than in my entire life.
Every night questions flood my mind. Why and how?
What happen? When did it all change? Whose fault it is?
I would lay awake analyzing every moment we had together.
Lie on the tear stained pillows, and just let my mind take over.
Some nights Id put pen to paper, try to make sense of it, and write a letter.
I would gasp for air after every tear that rolled off my eyes.
As the silence got louder, I began to lose control.
I would be on my hands and knees, begging “God please help me!”
Because it was only when you were around that I felt as a whole.
How could you leave me alone? You said you would never leave.
You could honestly see I wasn’t okay, haven’t been for a while.
I was only seventeen, and I had more worries than someone thirty-five.
Even if it was for other reasons, you were always there to add to the pile.
People have told me to leave multiple times, but what do they know?
They don’t know our love like I do; they don’t see what I see in you;
because if they did they would never have doubted us.
That’s what kept me from leaving, who we were, what we have been through.
You are more than words could ever say, and the best part of me.
“Stupid girl, I don’t understand why you could ever believe you meant more.
Meant more than to just leave you like he did, and not care.
But you don’t listen; I don’t know why you’re so stubborn for.”
Some may say I lost my sanity. Others say it was just a moment of weakness.
The walls of my bed room became my home through time.
The burdens of my past are written across them, and wounded with my fists.
And behind those five windows, was a girl screaming for her life, praying for a sign.
As every day went by and people were outside living their lives, a part of me died inside.
I became immune to the numbness that comes with being exhausted.
I got used to the oblivion and the dark circles around my eyes every morning,
and the quiet chaos that exists only in my own head.
Now I’m finally content with a past I regret, and I've found you find strength
in your moments of weakness. And for once I'm actually at peace with myself.
I have been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long.
And in the end no matter what anyone can say or do, only you can help yourself.
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me.
And I think I’m going to take this opportunity to actually live.
Letting go has to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I’ve been told once, to never forget but always forgive.
What’s left to say if it’s all been said before? I don’t know if I’m deciding or stalling…
For the boy who made me smile when I almost forgotten how to.
The heart weakens the brain, and knows reason which reason does not know.
But I think I have been in denial, and I have to start facing the truth.
God, I could have held you in my arms forever you know that?
I have searched myself for an answer I know…
And its hurts like hell to say it…
But it’s time to go.Bye baby.
