Just a note: This is a complete parody, and isn't meant to target a single book at all. I just wanted to poke fun at the Wattpand trends and stereotypes, and also point out how outrageous some of the "gendered roles" and relationships in some books can get. In this book, the male character takes on the mannerisms and descriptions of the female characters in some books to show just how outrageous these descriptions and roles can be.
I woke up in my basement room. My family didn't love me enough to give me an actual bedroom. I stretched my broad arms, and felt around my nest of hair. It would be such a pain to brush it. Mind you, I'm a guy, so it's not really that long.
I rolled out of bed- because apparently that's the only way you can get out of bed on Wattpad and decided to subtly describe my appearance to the readers in a bathroom mirror.
I'm so hideous.
Well, I'm actually attractive, but it makes me seem more down to earth and modest to hate myself. This is my way of describing myself to you immediately so I don't need to explain it casually to other characters and have people piece it together.
I have curves in all the right places. I was kind of self conscious about my hips. All the guys on the football team had beautiful bodies, but I was just an ugly duckling. I have long eyelashes, a tan, perfect skin, and flowing eyelashes. So flowing if I blinked fast enough I could fly.
I'm 18 years old, because there are no mature characters on Wattpad, and who am I to break stereotypes? I flexed my muscle in the mirror and put iny my contacts. OH MY GOD I AM SUCH A NERD AND EVERYONE HATES ME.
Back to the description, I might as well just list it so you don't have to use critical thinking.
-I'm white (obviously) becausee there are no other ethnicities on Wattpad it seems
-7'9. 34964"
-shoe size 12
-sparkling eyes of whatever colour, as long as they're sparkling.
-I lived on Bowen street when I was 6 years old
-first pet was a turtle..he died when I was five and now I can't trust people
-curvy body (I guess)
I'm totes ugly, right?
After my time in the mirror I wandered back into my room. I "casually" got ready, just a spray tan, a bottle of hair gel, and a bottle of cologne. I looked perfect for school! All the guys will be so jealous and I'll get all the girls. Actually, I shouldn't announce my sexual interest because to do so on Wattpad as a main character undermines my character integrity, and god forbid that we recognize that people can be good and sexually active. Better just play coy.
I walked out into the hall and ran into my mother. She wailed running after me "LEAVE THIS HOUSE, YOU WHORE. YOU'RE COMPLETELY USELESS AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A BURDEN". I was confused by this, why has no stepped in before?
But she continued, "I ALSO SOLD YOU TO A VAMPIRE FOR ALCOHOL AND SMOKES" She said as she chugged Vodka.
I *gasped*. I readily accepted this, even though ownership of an individual is illegal. But who am I to use my brain and question that? Or to even question the existence of vampires?
She pushed me down the stairs-- this was her way of showing love. I stumbled into a not so broad chest. I looked and saw an absolutely stunning blonde vampire girl, and immediately fell in love. The girl beside her had stunning/shining/luminescent/starlike/glossy eyes which I stared into. She wore too much makeup, so she must be a whore, I concluded.
I felt frail and weak in her arms and was overcome by her mere presence. She was so beautiful, but I knew that I had to resist.
"Mate" she growled. Her arms wrapped possesively around my own, and it seems like I lost all my own agency, because as soon as someone claims you as their own, you can't be independent.
She kept speaking, her voice like broken bottles on pavement "You're coming with me". I nodded in agreement, not wanting to get hurt. But she pulled out chloroform.
"I said I'd come with you, why do you need that?" I asked?
"Because we can't just leave without me kidnapping you, where would the sexual tension be if I didn't?
I nodded. Makes complete sense. But still, I struggled feebly for show.
She dragged me past my alcohol, drug addicted family in the kitchen. My two month old sister with a super unique name was already chugging Whiskey. The floor was already littered with syringes.
"This isn't your home anymore, you're mine". Her grip tightened on me, and she hit me. I would of course forgive this action as this was obviously a sign of love. Because it seems that many books ignore violent actions because other characters were "in love"
Another Vampire came running towards us, and tried to kidnap me too, even though I'm practically no one, and he had no reason to. The female vampire holding my arm, quickly killed them in front of everyone. But for some reason, no one questioned this, and we left without consequences.
I started to feel the effects of cloroform. I stared at a squirrel as my vision faded. I fainted, because it seems like there's no other way to transition chapters.
