Photographs

Sarah

Sarah.

        I have never been good at farewells. The greatest possible pain for a being to feel is that of not having someone you cherish at your side for one last time. It doesn’t matter who it is, but the greatest company is the one that finds a way to fill the empty space that revolves around you. A very wise man one said to me “The bonds you create are unbreakable. They will stay with you for eternity, give you the company of a lifetime, but they are only unbreakable until the moment you realize that they are not.” It took me years to come to terms with this saying. I didn’t want to believe that one day I would be alone, but it was true. The life of a human is a very delicate thing, so why would its feelings be any stronger? They wouldn’t, and I have slowly come to learn this.

        It had been a good year, starting off much better than the others. I had met a wonderful shy young lady who, in no time, became my closest companion. She was a petite, shy, young, European woman who, as me, was in need of company. I met her while riding the subway on my way to Brooklyn from Queens. She had been trying to get a job after being kicked out of her family’s home for a reason that she said was too ridiculous to repeat. She had been pretty torn up about it that day. I never found out why.

        Since the ride was long we got to talking. I told her that I was from Alaska, and was visiting my sister in the mainland. She exchanged information explaining that she was a chemistry major and that she was exited to live in Brooklyn. It was easy to tell that she truly was happy about living here, her career path seemed to challenge her. It was perfect.

        Chemistry had been my first choice when i graduated from high school but after a certain amount of time i realized that i should have been doing something else with my life. The gap year i took during my first year of college was the year that i matured. After the accident thousands of things around me changed. I thought of myself as a new person, someone who shouldn't waste their time studying the periodic table.

        Moments later the conversation went flat. I absolutely cannot stand the sound of silence. Whether its in a movie theatre, or in my own home. My thoughts, my memories have gained the reputation of my worst enemy. There are somethings that i promised myself i would never remember, things that i had to ignore. its almost impossible, but the daily distractions i have of children passing by on their scooters, or even the simplicity of having a conversation with someone, are the only things that push all of the negativity aside. This is the closest i get to living in the moment.

        I used my charming personality and quickly, without flaw, threw a new conversation topic at her. I told her a story about the universe, and how that everything that lives inside of it had a purpose. I explained that this universe was so delicate that if one person didn’t do what they were supposed to it could completely destroy the world we live in.

        I must have sounded crazy to my fellow passengers but Sarah smiled and asked me questions about the universe. She asked me if I believed in aliens, or extraordinary changes of time. She explained to me all of her theories and supported her opinion with some hardcore evidence. That’s when I thought to myself, “Hey this person might actually know what she’s talking about. Maybe she would make a good acquaintance.” I smiled at her to show my approval of her ideas and she returned the favor, smiling back at me.

        The ride seemed to last for a split second because before we knew it we had arrived at the station next to Bensonhurst. I could tell that we were both a little disappointed when we had to get off, since we were having such an interesting conversation about the relatives of time and space, but I quickly thought up a plan. I invited her to grab a cup of coffee and quickly pulled out my phone to search up the nearest Starbucks. I can still hear her laugh at the foolishness of my actions and my quick response to simple solutions. That was just the type of person I had grown to be. Complicated.

        It was a beautiful day. The sun was covered with thick white clouds but even then you could see the rays of sunlight split through the trees. We walked along the busy streets of Brooklyn stopping for street performers, waiting for walk signs. We listened to the sound of people chattering, and the sound of children laughing. It almost made the two mile walk seem like nothing.

        I don’t quite remember what happened from there. My head was too busy forming thoughts, taking me away from a great reality that I was living. And Sarah noticed this as well; she would furrow her eyebrows and ask me if everything was fine. I would simply reply with a smile and a quick nod. This was a complete lie, since I wasn’t okay. I was mentally blinding myself from the truth that was in front of my very eyes.

Sarah was going to die.

        If not today, she would die the next day and if not this year, then the one after. I remember how horrible I felt to know that this person right in front of me, like the many others that I had met, the many others that I had encountered, loved, sung with, played with, admired, looked at, all these other people, would one day run out of time to live. I remember feeling my heart pound, I could practically hear it. I was afraid of meeting new people because of this very reason. I didn’t want to feel the pain of losing them just like I had lost the others. But I had made the mistake of speaking to her and becoming attached. I had made the mistake of riding on the subway. I had made a mistake.

        I did my best to cast away my negative thoughts and went back to living in the moment. We drank from the foam containers that were handed to us and continued to talk about our lives and out pasts. She asked if I was married and I explained to her that my husband had died years ago. At that moment the tension around us grew. I saw her facial expression change but before she could reply I changed the topic and plastered a smirk on my face.

        When we were done with our coffee we got up and headed for an exit. I hesitantly turned around to face her and asked if I could take a picture of us together. She was surprised yet delighted replying with a simple nod. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and turned the inner camera on. I made sure that we were both in the picture and then  pressed the capture button. After that we both went our separate ways, waving at each other as we crossed through different roads.

        I now sit at a park bench holding the developed photograph of Sarah in my hand. The very same photo that I had taken eighteen years ago at a Starbucks in Bensonhurst. I never spoke with her after that day, and I no longer know where she is, but I have this photograph of us together that usually sits up on my wall. I have an image of everyone I have ever encountered, everyone I have loved, sung with, played with, admired, and looked at, because pictures are memories that last forever, because I cannot handle the pain of leaving someone behind, because I knew that Sarah would die, because everybody dies. Everybody except for me