Twisted Story of My Life

Chapter Seventeen

I woke up with a head so heavy but for sure a heavier heart. As soon as I opened my eyes I felt my heart crushing. What am I doing with my life? Where is the fighter Alex? But how can I move on when it has always felt natural that Zeke is my first thought when I wake up and the last thing in my mind before I sleep? I felt hot tears flowing down my cheeks. Lately I think I have lost control of my tear ducts. No matter how hard I try to stay calm, tears won't stop falling and I start quivering. I can feel my lips trembling and I am almost out of breath. I stood up. Even my feet are heavy as steel. I forcefully dragged myself to reach the kitchen since I have to act on my need to rehydrate.

"Good morning, honey," Alyssa greeted standing up to help me. See how weak I have become. I just need a glass of water and there, my best friend still has to guide me. She might have noticed that my hands are shaking too. She tilted the glass of cold water to my mouth and steadied me with her other hand at my back. I took a gulp and swallowed the bitter water. Everything for me is bitter now. I wonder if I would ever get out of this mess... oh, this mess that is called my life.

I took a seat beside Alyssa, who is looking at me intently as if studying if there is still hope to revive the old me. Not only did I lose the love of my life... with it, I lost my heart... I lost the meaning of my life. I usually am not the type who dwells on things but how could I not linger on this life changing situation?! It's like removing the core of your being. I now have no more reason to live. Not a special reason for my heart to beat. I covered my face with my hands and took a deep breath.

"Alyssa, I am moving out. I just cannot stand the memories of this place. I am sorry," I said tearfully. Another sad truth, I need to be away from everything that reminds me of my stupid love. I am thinking of getting away; even considering hiding in the mountains until ravenous animals find me as their prey. Then I will just be lost to the world and that would end this emotional turmoil. I will die but will be freed from this misfortune. It is okay for my body to receive the physical pains I thought, as long as my heart will no longer be held captive by the havoc Zeke brought in this life. The physical pain will be temporary.

She just nodded patting me at the back. She then went closer to me and hugged me tightly. "I love you, Alex. I hope I can make things better for you. I will support you in any decision you make," Alyssa whispered. That also broke my heart. Not only was I affected; my family and friends are also shattered seeing me this devastated.

I stood up and with the little strength that is left of me, I started packing. Lucille was of course a dear to help me. Then I see the watches Zeke gave me when we got back together. I put them, together with the scrapbook and other gifts from him, in a box; will deal with that later.

During the trip home, I was silent. The driver and Lucille will always check on me but I could not help but show them how I really was. Sad. Broken. Miserable. Used. Exhausted.

When I got home, Mom welcomed me. I just hugged her and she kissed me on the head. Then I locked myself in my room. I tossed and turned trying to sleep. But my emotions are taking over my body again. How could I have been this stupid?

And each day I feel more foolish than I was the prior day. I should not nurture this state of my life but I could not help but succumb to the drama. I give in to the pain. And I torture myself by thinking and rethinking things that have happened. I could not accept. I could not let go. I am again too proud to accept that this happened to Alex. Alex was supposed to be the smartest. She is supposed to be fearless and she is the definition of strength. But who was I kidding? I am not any of that at all.