Life behind the fame; A Conor Maynard fanfiction

Chapter 9

Alaska's P.O.V

Four weeks, four long and agonising weeks. I don't know why I'd done it, why I'd decided to move on from the person I'd felt as if I had to help.

Every ignored text and all the missed calls, the guilt I'd been feeling each time I knew that he was suffering on his own yet I'd promised myself to move on, to live life a little for once.

That was what I'd told myself until today, that I shouldn't be falling for someone like him and that had been about to happen before I cut off all the bonds with him.

Yet when I saw those stone-cold blue eyes filled with a pain so much different to what I remember it I couldn't ignore it any longer.

His eyes met mine and my heart stop for a second, freezing in my seat as he stopped outside the large coffee shop window where I'd taken him that day almost two months ago now.

I can tell he's contemplating on walking in and confront me, still my hopes are crushed when he turn around quickly, opening his arms up to an to me unknown blonde.

Of course I'd been replaced, maybe even that Victoria girl had taken him back.

Sighing do I see him look back at me one last time before he continue to walk down the road, his arm causally snaking around her waist.

The tears flood my eyes as I drive the short way back to mine, the raindrops on my windows representing the mood I was in.

I pause the soppy love song that's been playing in the background for a while now, I don't even know why I'm feeling this way, why I'm even hurting because we were never anything more than friends, friends with benefits maybe.

Yet my heart is telling me something different and all I can think about is how much I actually still miss him. That weird boy that had randomly walked into my life one late night around three months ago. The brunette that suffered badly with depression and that only wanted someone to talk to.

I'd been that person, been, I wasn't anymore and that had been my own choice. I'd been the one who moved on and the one that hadn't called or texted him back.

Now it was too late to go back, he'd already found someone else that replaced who I'd been to him, someone that could listen to him talking for hours, someone that could comfort him in the best way possible and be the one who came over within minutes when he needed it.

Parking my car in my parking space do I step out into the cold weather, you could tell autumn is coming the date being the fifth of September already.

I get home to a cold flat as I'd stayed the night at Callie and Georgia's just to go directly to the studio this morning, shooting for a few clients, all of them being large brands as that pretty much was all I got asked to do after my work with Diesel.

Not that I complained though, brands often payed a lot more and they put my name out there for others to see.

Dumping my bag in the hallway do I sink down on the sofa, bringing my legs up to my chin as I cried silently.

There was as if someone had turn the lights off and just left me alone in the dark without being able to turn the lights back on by myself again.

I felt so alone even though I'd spent most of my time with Callie and Georgia since it happened and it reminded me of how Conor described his depression to me.

How he always felt alone even though he clearly never was, how he felt as if the whole world was against him and then the constant pain that kept him awake at night.

It was spot on, yet I couldn't be depressed, not over something that I'd chosen to do myself. No-one had ever forced me to leave him, no-one apart from my forever growing feelings for the popstar.

The feelings that I was too scared to show anyone because I wasn't someone to settle down this early, I wasn't someone that dates.

Yet my heart had told me something different and it hurt to see him with someone that wasn't me, someone that had taken my place.

I'd started to go out more again just to try and forget for a while, to have fun with friends just as it used to be.

But it was never the same, it only reminded me of the first night that I met him and now all I did was look for those blue eyes wherever we went in hope that he'd be there.

Drying my tears do I grab my phone from the side, I wanted to text him, tell him that I'm sorry and that I'd thought things through yet all I can do is stare at our old conversation just to realise that I couldn't do it, not now anyway.

Instead I order a pizza, that maybe somehow would be able to cure my aching heart.

I stand up, walking over to the window, staring out over the busy road outside. Everyone seemed so up in life, as if nothing was troubling them, as if everything was perfect.

It made me hurt even more, knowing I'd not only put myself in pain but also one of my best friends, if you still could class us as best friends that will say.

Sitting down at the dinner table do I open up my laptop, preparing to save down the pictures from today's shoots, yet my eyes are instantly drawn to the already opened mail that I'd received from Diesel a few days ago and I had still not got round to answer it properly yet.

Dear Alaska Millers
We've happily received the photos from the shoot for the new autumn/winter collection that you took a few weeks back and are overwhelmed by the outcome of it all, thank for all the help. Although there seem to have slipped in a few pictures that wasn't meant for the original theme and nosy as we are we'd like to look further into this as the model in the photos would fit our team very well. Hopefully we'll be able to sort this out through you.

Thank you again for your time and patience

Team Diesel, United Kingdom xxx

I sigh, not knowing what to answer as I read the email once again.

First off Conor wasn't a model, I don't even know if he enjoys modelling at all to be completely honest.

Yet I knew it would be a great opportunity for him to dip his feet into new waters and try something different for once. I knew that would do him good.

Although knowing Conor did I already know that it was going to be hard to convince him to step out of his comfort zone if he wasn't 100 percent sure if it.

Secondly I had cut everything with Conor and it was going to be weird to show up now and ask him if he wanted to start up a modelling career, like he most likely wasn't interested in anything that had to do with me anyway.

Closing my laptop do I sigh, still not able to compose a proper answer as to how we'd go from here.

Maybe I should just ignore it or I should try and contact Conor's management, yet he'd told me many times before that his management was on the edge on dropping him from the record deal they'd signed a few years back so they'd probably not be too keen on starting up on an whole different project.

I stare into the empty air in front of me as I think, the only option seem to be me going back to him and just tell him face to face I guess.

Shivering do I pull on the hoodie that I'd left on the back of the chair earlier this week. You could tell autumn wasn't far away now, the cold air seeming to find its way in through even the smallest of holes in the walls.

The apartment complex was rather old and it meant that it always got extremely cold during this time of year and I often managed to get ill just because of this.

Not only did I much more prefer to stay at Callie and Georgia's over the winter time, and this had also  made me start to look into finding a flat newer and closer to theirs.

Yet all of that had been pushed to the side when Conor entered my life, making me feel bad if I'd be to focus on myself instead of him who was suffering.