Twilight Spoofs - After the Eclipse

Here is the first of a couple of short, humurous Twilight Fanfiction stories I wrote while on holiday to amuse myself...

I tossed and turned that night.

I hated it when Edward was away, even for a few hours. I resented my vampire boyfriend being thirsty when I wanted to cuddle up to his freezing, granite-like body. The bond between the two of us had strengthened since our victory over Victoria and the vampire army. I was at my most serene. Jacob had fully recovered from his injuries, and for now, the treaty with the wolves was intact. My guilt was at an all-time low, and it was nice and warm in the bedroom. But I was restless.

I flipped onto my back and sighed. Over the past three years Edward and I had suffered beyond anything anyone anywhere had ever been through, and I knew I had him well and truly wrapped around my little finger. I huffed. Now Jasper and Emmett were enjoying his chiseled company while I lay alone in solitude. I wasn't worried about his safety, just that he would be having such a good time chasing mountain lions that he wouldn't be inclined to hurry back. I blew my hair out of my eyes and tried to ignore the hollow feeling in my belly-button I always got when Edward left me alone.

Edward cared for me more than anyone anywhere in history had cared for anyone, ever, even Jesus or Mother Theresa. He couldn't read my thoughts like he could everybody else's, but the minute I told him I wanted something, it was mine, except turning me into a vampire.

For example, no-one brought me a cup of coffee like Edward. The minute I would say I was thirsty, he would vanish from my side instantly, leaving me gasping and my hair blowing all over my face as the air was sucked out of the room. There would be a crash on the stairs as the swift wind of his passing would tear a delicate ornament off a shelf onto the floor. Another crash would follow as he entered the kitchen through the usually closed door, something he almost always forgot about. He had a storage shed stocked with brand-new doors just up the road which he would draw from whenever this mishap occurred. Charlie would often comment how clean the door always looked, which was not surprising.

There would then be a flurry of noises as Edward grabbed a cup, prepared the contents and switched on the kettle. There would be a short interlude while the kettle boiled during which he would whistle 'Clair De Lune', then suddenly he would be back beside me, my hair blowing back again, and scalding coffee spraying through the air, splashing my clothes. I would forgive him, of course, snogging his cold, hard mouth fiercely, humming like a hive full of bees. Edward could easily have had the manners of a pig and the bad attitude of a fat, Essex slapper's boyfriend, but one look at that perfect face would melt me instantly.

A loud CRASH broke my happy reverie as Edward suddenly made an appearance in the room by way of the closed window. Glass and pieces of window frame tinkled merrily to the floor as I sat bolt upright. A large shard of glass fell out of Edward's perfect coiffe onto the floor.

"Whoops," he murmured, looking sheepish. He whirled round and immediately began trying to piece the window back together like a huge transparent jigsaw puzzle.

"What's going on up there?" came Charlie's voice from downstairs.

"Nothing, Dad!" I shouted back, wildly gesturing at Edward to give it up. He hadn't even got any glue.

"Just go, Edward, I'll make up some excuse!" I hissed, waving him away.

"OK," he winked, and jumped out of the window again with the speed of a striking cobra. There was a loud crunching sound and Edward's muffled voice drifted through the window calmly saying, "bugger." In his hurry he'd hit the tree outside the window with the force of a small Volkswagon saloon car cruising at 60 miles per hour. In the few seconds that followed, I heard the swish of leaves and swore I could  hear squirrels hitting the ground.

The bedroom door burst open.

"What in the ding dang diddley do is going on around here?" cried Charlie, his eyes sweeping over the devastation before him. A can of Vitamin R dangled from his hand. He seemed a little stewed. I was grateful it was dark outside so that he couldn't see my boyfriend embedded in the bark of the tree just meters away through the window.

"Dad!" I screamed, yanking the duvet up to cover my modesty.

"Sorry, Bella," he cringed, and promptly mimicked Edward on one of his coffee-fetching errands. The door slammed shut and Jacob's dream-catcher fell off the wall onto my head, making me jump.

I listened to the sound of Charlie's body as it rolled down the stairs. I heard the hollow sound of his head hitting every other step, and only relaxed when I heard the loud thud and crack that announced his body arriving at the bottom. I turned to the window.

"Edward, are you all right?" I hissed, worried he'd hurt himself.

My one and only forever love vaulted sexily through the window for the second time that night, landing in a crunching heap of glass and looking like a Greek god, only Greeker and godier. There wasn't a dent in his fender. I whimpered with relief.

He hunched his shoulders and screwed up his eyes.

"Blearugh!" he spat, and a dead chipmunk flew across the room, hit the wall with a splat and plopped into my waste bin.

"Forgot how much I hate small vermin," he chuckled, leaping lightly onto the bed beside me.

"Kiss me, Bella," he grinned, his lips beckoning mine, and his warm smile flooding my senses with silky smooth sensations. 

So I did.