Twilight Spoofs - Vitamin R & R

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 I awoke with a jump from a beautiful dream about meadows, waterfalls and baseball bats.

The bed was vibrating. Feeling pretty sure that Edward hadn't installed a vibrating bed while I was asleep (I don't sleep that heavily), I sat up to locate the source. 

Edward lay there in the semi-darkness, quaking with silent laughter.

I gazed down at his god-like beauty, drinking in his gorgeous hotness. A few minutes later, I pulled myself together.  

"Edward -"

"You're wondering what I'm finding so funny, Bella," he smirked.

I stared at him, amazed. "You can hear me? You can hear my mind?"

"No," he giggled, "just making a lucky guess."

I huffed.

"As a matter of fact," he continued, "I'm lying here listening to Charlie and Billy Black. They're downstairs enjoying  a heavy drinking session. Their conversation is priceless. Go out onto the landing and listen."

"Heh." Reluctantly I dragged my exhausted carcass out of bed and crossed the room to the door in a partial daze. "This had better be worth my while, Edward, I am incredibly sleepy."

"Oh, it will be, Bella, trust me."

I glanced at the clock, it was 12.15 am. I sighed.

Moving out onto the darkened landing I leaned over the stair rail to listen. Two voices came drifting up to me through the early morning quiet of the house. It was Billy Black and my Dad, all right.

As I leaned over a bit further, Billy Black's voice rose in volume.

"...I say again, Charlie, you're ma best friend in the whole world. Ask anybody you like. Ask Mr. Weber, Ask Mrs, Mrs, that woman who works in the store, you know that store that sells those things... ask a cop, ask anybody!"

Someone burped gently.

"I can ask 'hic' anybody I want?"

"You sure can, Charlie boy."

"Are you my best friend in the whole world, Billy?"

There was a long pause, then "Yup."

Charlie let out a strangled sob. "Whoo." he exhaled, and I heard someone supping on a can.

I decided to move in so I could see as well as hear. Edward would have been proud of my stealthy approach down the stairs. I paused near the bottom where I had a good view into the den.

The room was a mess. Vitamin R cans covered every available surface and for some reason a green chiffon scarf that I recognised as Alice's lay draped over the table lamp - the only light source in the room. As a result, the room had an eerie other-worldly glow to it.

Charlie lay half-on, half-off the sofa, a can of Vitamin R in one hand, and a feather duster in the other. His bare feet stuck out of the bottom of his pajama pants, but he inexplicably  wore one of mom's old white, frilly blouses that he must have kept when she left. It was too small for him and his barrel-like chest strained the few buttons he'd been able to fasten. He also had his fishing hat on. 

Billy was sitting on the floor by the fire, leaning over at an angle, wearing just a white woolly one-piece undergarment, the sort that had a flap in back of it. His other clothes were nowhere to be seen. He had a beer can in one hand and my novelty giraffe oven mitt on the other. His hair stuck up madly like it had been gelled that way, and he yawned widely, causing me to copy him.

As I blinked in disbelief, Charlie broke the silence.

"Billly, don' you worry about Jacob, runnin' around with those other boys on the reversation?"

Billy stared blankly into space.

"Nope."

Charlie's brow knitted. He was obviously deep in thought. 

"Charlie," slurred Billy, "you know I'm like, you know, the chief of the tribe, don' cha?"

"Yup."

Billy struggled to stand to his feet. He slipped  and sprawled, and made a valiant attempt to pull himself up by the brick fireplace surround. He struggled for a full minute, toppled the fire-irons with a crash, then seemed to remember that his legs didn't work.

Instead he held up his hand, the one wearing the oven glove, and looked solemn. If you ignored the way he was attired, and the fact that he had a glassy stare, you could almost see the Black family line of chiefs in Billly, and you could almost feel the generations of lordly, dignified tribal leaders radiating from him. 

"Chief Swan," he announced in a deep, senorous voice.

Charlie's head wobbled in Billy's direction.

But Billy faltered; whatever he was about to say eluded him, and suddenly there came the sound of a loud, drawn-out fart.

Charlie's eyes filled with tears. "You got that right, Billy boy."

He popped open another can of beer, and slurped on it loudly.

He belched,

"I love you, Billy Boy," he slurred, staring at the ceiling and waving his feather duster about vaugely. "I love you. You're the bestest friend a man could ever have, and I'm not jus' sayin' that - I mean it. I'm dead serious, Billy, I am. Goshdarn it, If you weren't a man, I'd make you my wife."

Billy frowned. "I'd be no good t'you as a wife, Charlie," he grunted unsteadily. "I'm too hairy, plus I ain't got any of those lady bits you like so much. But Sue's got her eye on you, you know. She'd be better'n me at wifey things. She can cook, she's got legs, hell, she's even got titties."

Charlie's eyebrows met in disapproval. "Don' disrepect my future wife, Billy. She's a good, good woman. She got a heart o' gold, Billy. She's beautiful. She's a better man than I am, darn it! She'll help me look after my Bella."

His eyes filled with tears. "I always worry about her, Billy. She's had a whole lot o' crap over the past few years, you know. I don't know if she's gonna be awright. That Edward worries me too. He's very clingy." His top lip got stuck onto his teeth.

Billy had slipped over onto his side, but he awkwardly levered himself back to vertical.

"See, you're worryin' about all the wrong things, Charlie," he announced importantly. "See, Edward's a goddamn vampire and Jacob's a !@£*%! werewolf."

I choked, and nearly fell off the bottom step with shock. Charlie, however, toppled slowly off the sofa onto the floor, scattering empty beer cans.

Edward continued chuckling away to himself upstairs.

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⏰ Last updated: Feb 05, 2015 ⏰

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