The silence. The silence is deafening. The silence leaves room for all the monsters inside my head to scream at me, telling me I messed up, telling me I should have stayed quiet, let them continue talking and not ruin it by speaking my mind. Because now no one is talking. But they don't have to speak to let me know how they feel. I know they pity me. I know they feel bad, because they unintentionally hurt me. In all honesty, it's not what they did that hurt me. It's what they didn't do that sent shooting pain all throughout my body, making me curl up in agony at night, crying myself to sleep. They weren't there. They didn't care. They didn't love me. At the point in my life when I needed them most, they let me down. And that somehow hurts even more than what got me sad in the first place. And now I want them to hurt. I want them to be mad at themselves, and never do it to anyone else ever again. I don't want them to pity me though. I hate pity. And I don't want them to ask for me back. I want them to feel so bad about themselves for what they did to me, that they feel like they don't deserve me anymore, because they don't. I deserve much better than someone who is so okay with leaving someone to rot in their own mind with bad thoughts. Maybe that sounds harsh, but being mad more than upset helps me move on, at least for a little bit. It helps me realize what I want, need, and deserve from people. But now here we are, side by side on the school bench, staring out at the others passing by, both wishing to be somewhere else entirely. I don't know exactly why i brought it up. I don't know why I risked the end of a possible new beginning between us. The conversation before I spoke up was quite pleasant, and reminded me of when things weren't complicated between us. There was almost a glimmer of hope that we would be okay. But maybe I subconsciously knew to stop this in its tracks before I could get hurt all over again. It was all nice for a minute, but I couldn't fall and risk them not being there to catch me again. But now that it is out, no matter how necessary it probably was, I want to take it back. I want to savor the feeling of comfort and happiness when around them for just a bit longer. As much as I want them to hurt the way I did, I can't stand seeing the look on their face. The face that once looked at me with so much care and gentleness now looked out into nothingness, their lips pulled into a frown, and the twinkle in their eyes gone, replaced with a dull stare. At this moment, whatever is said next, even who says it, means everything in terms of how we feel about each other, how we will look at each other from now on, how we communicate, if at all. These will be the words that stick to our hearts and minds at the very thought of each other.
"I'm sorry."
