Life's Journey

Green-eyed Monster

"We planned for this Tae and I do not appreciate last minute changes."

I do not know why I was making a big fuss about it but a part of me wanted to see how far I could push him.

...and also because I was a jealous and sneaky SOB who looked at his fann's phone when he was in the bathroom getting dressed.

What?It fell...I must have pushed it off the table accidentally...so I have to pick it up, right...and is it my fault that I read Mickey's name and his message to him?It was just there...asking to be read...so I did. Tho I feel like the lowest of worms after I did.

Can we talk?

What do they have to talk about?Why are they still communicating?Most importantly, WHY AM I NOT AWARE OF THIS?

So I threw a hissy fit about some damn movie I couldn't care less about...afraid that his wanting to watch an earlier schedule would mean that he will be meeting with this Mickey person later on.

Tae took hold of my hand and gently pulled me to his couch and sat me down.

"What is this really about babe?"

I sputtered trying to find a plausible reason to give him.

"You are not usually this...well...irrational...."

"I...I...."

"I think you need to take a few days off just to let yourself breath a little, okay?I think everything is getting to you. Where do you want us to go?" Tae asked while lightly caressing my hand that he has been holding since we sat down.

Light-bulb!!!

Us.

Go somewhere with him. Just the two of us. Alone.

Hot deymn!

"I know of this resort in Khao Yai...do you want me to book it for this weekend? I looked at our schedule and Mae Jane has nothing pencilled in for us."

I look at this guy who has been so solicitous of me, more now that we're boyfriends and I suddenly felt guilty for doubting him.

"P'Tae...I...notsoaccidentallyreadyourmessagefromMickey.

I blurted in a rush wanting to get it over with.

He looked at me as if I had gone crazy.

Perhaps I am.Love made me even crazier than usual.

"Ehhhhh... nong...All I got from that is Mickey." was his confused reply.

I heaved out a frustrated sigh and repeated what I said.

"I.not.so.accidentally.read.your.message.from.Mickey."

He just stared at me unblinkingly.

"Okay...I am lower than pond scum. I am paranoid I admit it.I am such a paranoid scumbag who would stoop so low as to snoop on my fann's mobile."

I looked at him looking at me calmly and guilt made me open my trap and spill more of my hidden insecurities.

"I thought that having you would be enough. But day after day I wait.I wait for that time where all of these —all of these happiness we have will disappear. I am so afraid that you'll wake up one day and realize that this is not worth it. I am not worth it."

I am having a verbal diarrhea but I can't seem to help it.

Then he smiled — his gentle smile that will forever capture my heart.

"Come here baby." he tenderly said.

"No...I need to say this. I need to come clean with you once and for all.So you stay there and not touch me cause I won't be able to think clearly!" I retorted while backing away from him a little.

"Okay...okay I will listen.I promise not to touch you until you have your say." he replied trying to pacify me.

I took a deep breath and dove in.

"P'Tae am such an insecure ass...everyday I wake up and think that this is the day you'll leave me...that I will be too much for you.That you will choose others instead of me."

"Did I ever make you feel...inadequate nong?"he asked solemnly.

"No!"was my vehement reply. "It has always been me and my stupid insecurities!"

He was silent for a while as if weighing what he will say before he gave a big sigh.

"I have to apologize for keeping the fact that Mickey has been contacting me a secret. I...I don't want you to worry and well...I really don't think that it should be another source of stress for you. I know how you think Tee...and I know that you won't be able to resist torturing yourself about unimportant things."

"Are you saying I like to worry?" my eyebrows rises a little at the inference.

"I am saying that despite of what others may see as a free-spirited guy...you actually are the most emotionally sensitive person I have ever known.You feel deeply babe and you make yourself responsible for so many people that you sometimes make it difficult on yourself." he ended his explanation with a rueful smile.

"I do not!!" I gasped in denial.

"Okay...you want an example. Whenever you feel Nong Copter is feeling left out during fanmeets...what do you do?You make every effort to draw him in...you make it a point that he won't feel alone.Or Nong Bas for that matter. You just have this motherly instinct...and I like that about you."

I started to protest but his confession of liking me mother-henning made the butterflies in my stomach danced a bit stronger.

"Babe, you have nothing to be jealous about.in fact I have more reasons to be jealous about coz you seem to get along with everybody." Tae said with a wry smile.

"P'Tae I am not a flirt!"

"Did I say you were?You just have this warmth about you that just draws people in. That is far from flirting...and I know that you know that I won't tolerate you entertaining overly friendly overtures, right?" he finished in a somewhat sharply aggressive tone.

Heh - I would like to see a jealous Tae Darvid someday tho.Do I dare?

I laughed and broke my no-touching-rule-till-I-say-so by throwing myself in his arms and winding my arms tightly around his neck.

He grunted at the impact but easily took my full weight, returning my tight hug with a tighter snuggle. He nosed around my ear and neck, inhaling me deeply.

"You know I have no eyes for anybody but you P'Tae!"

"Better keep it that way, nong...or there will be hell to pay." he warned seriously.

I laughed softly not at all cowed by his threat.

"For the record, I told Mickey that I am happily in a relationship with someone special and that I wish him luck on all his future plans. I have no intention of meeting him anywhere unless I accidentally meet him in the streets or something."

I showed my gratitude for his confession by tightening my arms around him and seeking his lips with my own. As I kiss my boyfriend, the thought of how lucky I am flits thru my mind. It is not everyday that you will find a person that would love and understand all your idiosyncrasies and sudden mood swings. Someone who is not put off by stupid things you sometimes resort to doing for no apparent sane reason. I have luck out in Tae Darvid and I intend to keep it that way for a long, long time.

"How can I make it up to you, P'?" I asked while batting my eyes at him innocently.

"Do you even have to ask?" he tried for a suave delivery but he was laughing too hard at my too obvious attempt at flirtation.

I gave up and joined him - laughing both in relief and happiness. Jealousy, when handled in a good way, can clear the air and strengthen relationships. I am fortunate to have someone who is able to rise above petty differences and unafraid to come clean of his intentions. I think one Khun Luang deserves a weekend to remember and I aim to give it to him, in spades.

But well...that's another story altogether.