Poems

My first love

I wish that my mind would want to stay here as much as my heart.

But my heart keeps going to the person I cannot have.

My heart is aching from the pain I feel inside. 

Please, why can't I have somewhere left to hide.

Everyday, I make sure people only see the happy girl..

Because inside, my demons have ripped everything apart.

Only 3 people in my life keep alive today..

Yet, the one person I want in my life more than anything, 

Sees me as nothing more than the shy girl in the corner...

My face is always in a book or drawing.

I avoid eye contact with everyone around me.

If I avoid eye contact and interaction, I'll be invisible.

We met for the first time at a football game.

I was to shy to say hi...

She smiled and introduced herself.

I was so unbelievably happy.

Until I found out that she wanted someone I was close to.

A friend... that was confused about who she was. 

She had relationships with boys, but she was never happy.

Within a couple months they were together...

I was left in the dust... with nothing but tears and a razor blade.

As time went on, she joined a club I was in.

We spent 2 hours together every Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

It was all I ever looked forward too.

Then my friend... that was with her.. started coming to the practices.

She left me instantly.. for her. I always snuck out and cried somewhere alone.. 

I even started bringing a knife to school because I couldn't stand the pain. 

I wore sweatshirts everyday, no one suspected a thing.

I always brought jackets or sweatshirts to class because I was always cold.

Yet, all I've ever wanted was to feel loved by her..

But, she will never see me as good enough for her love.

She thinks she cannot love because she is broken. 

She doesn't know that I am just as broken, 

And that I would do anything to show her that she is worth everything in the world.

She does not see that I have fallen head over heels..

All she sees, is a small crush... and the longing in my eyes..

She led me on for months...

I believed I had a chance so many times.

The closest I've ever felt to her was when she stayed over at my house..

She held me for a couple minutes...

With her arms around me...

I felt like nothing could ever hurt me because I had her..

But, she was so uncomfortable she couldn't sleep..

After that night,

I made myself a vow not to make her uncomfortable or sad in any way.

Yet, I cannot control myself..

I struggle to stay away... 

I always end up to close..

Longing for what will never be.

We all hope and dream,

Some achieve while others grieve.

I must know she is safe. 

If she is not, I have failed.

She may not want me, 

But I will protect her with everything I have.

Even if all I feel is sorrow..

I will struggle to see tomorrow..

But, her eyes and smile are what make me want to stay to see another day.

So I'll stay and fight to live,

For the chance that one day I might have her heart...

And she and I will never feel alone again..