Who knows?

Who knows?

Day after day
Week after week
This beautiful girl strides along corridors
But something's wrong
This girl is not a girl
She has the voice and body of a boy
She walks and talks like a boy
Everyone talks to her like she's a boy
She is made to change with the boys
She is made to sit with the boys
She could never get it
Why could she not be who she wanted to?
She could never find any friends
The boys weren't like her
The girls never really accepted her as one of them
So she stands
Amongst this crowd
Of boys and girls
Alone
All alone
Isolated
From the world before her
This certainly isn't her world
She walks away from the calamity
To the solitude of her own mind
But that comes with a cost

She holds the blade with her right
Her cheeks wet within seconds
Her wrists wet within seconds
She looks at her blood and smiles
"I'm human" she whispers to herself
As another one strikes down
Her smile fades into a frown
It's so easy for her
No one can stop her
No one would stop her
She calls out for help all the time
But no one notices her
She is living a life of lies
A life of a boy who deserved so much more
And she hates herself for it
She hates herself for feeling this way
She hates herself for stripping a happy boy
Of a life of joy

So she cuts herself again and again
And covers them again and again
So society doesn't see her weakness
She has to live as the boy she inhabited
Just to keep the smiles
On her family and friends
True and sincere
So no one sees her fear
So no one sees her at all
She lies awake at night
Dreaming of a better world
Just to feel better for herself
But she knows it's useless

No one really cares about her
They say they do
But she knows
She know how fake they are to her
Yet she acts like she doesn't
So that they don't judge her
She walks in the rain alone
She watches her classmates laughing
She doesnt hate them
She doesnt envy them
She's happy for them
But she knows their happiness will end
Just like it did for her
It always does
Happily ever after?
She never understood that
If it was true
Then she wouldnt be here 'crying'
With a broken heart
With a broken soul
With a broken mind

She carries on walking
Towards what she hopes is the bus stop
A big red machine approaches
She gets on and sits down
Next to the window
It was always nice to watch the rain
It felt like you weren't crying alone
It felt like you had someone above
That was saying 'i feel that too'
She watches people
Of all shapes and sizes
Come in and out of the bus
Do they all have lives like hers?
Do they all have problems like hers?
Do they all have to cut to stay alive?
She'll never find out
She'll never give up
She's not strong
But she knows she's weak
So rather than deny it
She embraces it
She lets her weakness drown her
Even if it turns out to be a bad choice
It's her choice, and that's what matters
Or so she thought
She always believed that
But everytime she made her choice
Her friends would shut it down
Without a moment's hesitation
She always trusted everyone
She still does
But only because she's got nothing to lose
She used to have feelings
Now she doesn't
She used to have opinions
Now she doesn't
She used to have a life
Now she doesn't

Her stop
She doesn't want to get off
The rain was nice to watch
She realises her eyes are moist
She wipes them and moves on
She hasn't cried for years now
It hurts to have to keep it in inside for so long
You'd have thought everything would get better
So why hasn't it?
Where did she go wrong?
She had always waited for this time
For when she could finally be brave enough
For when she finally had no ties to this world
For months she had slowly been destroying
All that she had worked for her entire life
Because she was confident it would end now
If only it would
Then she'd be at peace
With herself
And this world
She doesnt hate it
Not at all
She loves it even
But it doesn't belong to her
How dare she stay here?
In a place she's no longer wanted
Lingering behind like a swarm of flies
Just bothering everyone else
And scavenging for lost souls

But it seems she's the only one
The only one who cares about others
The rest live for themselves
And are getting better
Slowly but surely
But her?
No
No way
She can help them get better
But that is all
If anyone cared about her
She would've gotten just a tiny bit better right?
But
She's only gotten worse
She unlocks her door
'Miauiau'
She greets her back with a gentle stroke
Leaves her food and lets her fend off for herself
She wishes they'd let her live like her
Alone and free
Maybe then she could be brave enough
No one home yet?
At least thats a blessing
She throws herself on the bed
Sigh
She has a lot to do for tomorrow
She feels tied down to her bed
She really should get up
She cant
She has no energy left
All of it was used up for the smiles
The ones she never meant
The ones she wish she could

She eventually gets up after some time
And starts to do her work
She doesn't mind it anymore
She hears her classmates complaining
About the amount of work they get
For her this is nothing
Not after what she's been through
They should at least see what she's been through
Then judge her
But they don't care
They judge her, they judge everything
It's like she's surrounded by juries
And she's guilty
She certainly feels guilty
For hurting those she loves
For hurting those she likes
For hurting herself
And everything around her
She really should just die
Sigh
She wish she could
But she's not strong enough
She's weak, weaker than anyone she's ever met
She can't kill herself
She can hardly even try anymore
'HONEYYY, go buy some milk please'
'K mum'

This dual carriageway
Attempted several times
Not succeeded once
Not even close
Clearly not
She won't try now
There's no point
She knows she's too weak
She still has a bad feeling
She can't put her finger on it
She's just sure something bad is going to happen
Like an animal instinct
She usually knows something is going to happen
Even before it happens
So she tries prepare for the worst
However there was no preparing for what was to happen
She's only human after all

A truck, the size of her house approaches
She suddenly feels it's the end
She knows it is
She can feel her final tears
Streaking down her face
She smiles
For real
For the first time in 3years
She remembers the last time she smiled
Where was it again?
The cemetery
Her uncle's grave
She loved him
But she knew he was somewhere better
Anywhere is better than here
Suddenly she doesn't want to leave
She didnt get to say goodbye to anyone
Not to her parents
Not to her friends
Not to her cat
She didn't want to become a killer
And she won't
She didn't commit suicide
The truck hit her
Just like it could've anyone else
Nobody knows that though
They'll think it was suicide
She suddenly really wants to live
This must be what they say
Seeing your life flash before your eyes
It'll all end in a moment
It's millimetres away now
She smiles
She always wanted to die smiling
While crying
She finally met her end
The truck driver was now officially a killer
Her mum blames herself
Because she was too lazy to go buy milk
So she sent her daughter
And now look what's befalled her
Why did she commit suicide?
Why in the name of god did she commit suicide?
Where did her mum go wrong?
When did her life turn it's back on her?

Sometimes there are questions
That are more complicated than the answer
All these questions tend to have simple answers
However no one knows them
One of the best examples is this
Did she commit suicide?
Who knows?