You walked slowly allowing your boyfriend to lean on your shoulder. He was weak. You waved goodbye to the nurse who gave yoongi his chemo. She was so nice, but you couldn't help resent the fact that she was injecting fluid into your boyfriend that would make his hair, his lovely hair, the hair that went from black to green to brown to black to blond and to blue, fall out. You put a brave face on the fact that you missed stroking your hands through his soft locks because you knew that that pain was significantly smaller then the immense pain that yoongi felt. So Yeah instead of rocking the shiny head look (which you totally thought he would rock) he wore the hat that you bought him all those years ago in Paris when he took you on a surprise trip for your first anniversary so you thought the least you could do was buy him a cap. It soon became his favourite cap. Especially when he got sick because you got for him at a time where he didn't know that someday he was going to have to die leaving you here on earth without him. It reminded him of how it felt to be in love and not worrying about how long you have to spend with the one person that makes all your trouble melt away.
When he was diagnosed his first instinct was to break up. Spare you the pain. Your view was that it would more painful to waste the limited and special time that you had left with him because he wanted to "spare you the pain". You were going to feel pain anyway. It was inevitable, so you decided to face it straight on. You could always tell when the good days were and when the bad days were. At the start you tried to distract him by going out to eat or something. But you realised that those were the things to do when he felt strong, so on bad nights you would sit on your couch and watch dramas while you ate yoongis favourite dominos pizza. You knew that it was harder for him so you kept from getting upset. You knew that you had to be strong for the both of you because if you broke down how in God's name was he supposed to keep himself together? So you kept yourself happy, for yoongi to be happy, because that's what he deserved, happiness, no cancer, but people don't always get what they deserve.
You and Yoongi's relationship was far from perfect, your boyfriend had cancer it was hardly ever going to be perfect, but there was something else. It wasn't you or Yoongi's fault. It really wasn't anyone's fault. Yoongi's friend Jimin always had feelings for Yoongi he couldn't control himself. Back when Yoongi came out as bi-sexual, Jimin thought he could be more vocal about his real feelings towards Yoongi. Still Yoongi hadn't caught on. Yoongi loved you and it was slowly tearing Jimin apart
One Saturday night you and yoongi sat down with you for your Saturday night tea and dark chocolate, 70% percent as you both liked it. Just as you were about to put on the TV you heard the doorbell. You leaped up off the couch so your dying boyfriend wouldn't have to get up. You opened the door. There was Jimin standing with a packet of Mochis. "Am I intruding" Jimin said when he saw the lights dimmed and Yoongi sitting on the sofa. "No, we were just about to watch a movie, do you want to join?" Jimin smiled and nodded and he walked in the room. You put his mochis on a plate and put them on the coffee table. You watched the movie with your boyfriend's arm around you. These were the times you would miss the most, the simple ones.
Later on about halfway in the movie, your eyelids felt heavy and you struggled to stay awake. "I think I'm gonna go to bed" you said as you got up off the sofa, you kissed Yoongi on the cheek and went into the room, "bye Jimin" you said as you closed the door. While you were in bed trying to go to sleep, you heard talking in the living room. "Yoongi," Jimin said. "Yes" Yoongi answered "I love you."
"Jimin, I love you t-"
"No." Jimin interrupted. "I love you as more than a friend or a bandmate, I love the way you smile I love all the little English things that you'd say when we went to the US, I love how you say man after everything, I love how whenever we had free time we'd find you somewhere sleeping. I love you, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't tell you that." Jimins voice began to sound limp as his eyes filled with tears.
Silence filled the air.
"I'm so so sorry Jimin. I wish I could say that I loved you like that too, I do love you, I really do, as a friend and band mate, but I love Y/N, she's perfect. I'm sorry Jimin I can't waste my remaining time left with loose threads. Maybe in another life this would have worked, but I love Y/N." Yoongi's voice trailed off as his eyes started to fill with tears. "I'm sorry" he said quietly. Jimin got up out of his chair and went to hug Yoongi. The stayed in a long and warm embrace until Jimin pulled away and left.
One night you and Yoongi were eating dinner. With a loud bang Yoongi dropped his chopsticks and buried his face in is hands. "Y/N," he said quietly. You looked up at him alarmed by his state. "Promise me something, promise me you'll find someone, promise me you'll find someone that makes you happy, promise me you'll find someone that you love as much as I love you, I know it'll probably be the hardest thing to find or maybe even impossible. I love you Y/N, please be happy when I go. Promise you'll find someone who'll give you a wedding and children. I'm sorry I can't give you those things, things that would make you happy, I would be the happiest man alive if I could do that for you. All I want is for you to be happy." Yoongi cried. "And one last thing if I'm dying, let me. This life is getting to be too painful"
"Yoongi, how am I supposed to find someone that I love as much as I love you, you're my everything, and my everything will be ripped away from me for some cruel reason that I don't understand, but I'd rather live remembering my everything than trying to squeeze nothing into a space meant for everything. When you go I will be sad for a long long time, because I love you and nobody will fill the space that you fill now." You sobbed.
As you drove home from work you felt something weigh down your stomach, you had felt this all day. You answered your ringing phone. It was Jimin. "Y/N, cone to the hospital, Yoongi's sick, he needs you here come quickly." He sounded distressed. Your heart skipped a beat. "Jimin! What's going on is he ok?" He's just been rushed into emergency surgery." He said quickly. "Come quickly."
When you arrived at the hospital the members greeted you. You asked what was wrong. They told you that his lungs started filling up with water and that they were draining them. When he got out of surgery, the doctors told you that it would be hours before he woke up. You went to get some coffee because it was already 12 and you wanted to be awake when he woke up. You waited for hours with the members, in silence. Taehyung, Jungkook and Jin went to go to the bathroom, Namjoon and Hoeseok went to get some coffee. You and Jimin sat in silence for a while until you both propped up when you heard an interruption to Yoongi's breathing. The beeping got faster and faster until you started to panic, tears filled in your eyes as you didn't know what to do but you knew what Yoongi wanted. "Call the doctor!" Jimin cried. You just stood there shaking, not believing what was happening. You wanted to save him, but he didn't want to be saved. "Y/N!" The beeping on the monitor was getting faster and faster. "No" you whispered. "What" Jimin cried. "No" you said more loudly. Jimin looked taken aback and panicked. You sobbed. "Let him sleep...." You sobbed. "He's tired." You heard the long beep. Your boyfriend just died. Jimin fell to his knees. He was dead inside. You just stood there in silence. You were empty. Your everything had left you. He was gone and so were you. Everything from there went in slow motion. The members soon took Jimin home. You just sat in your boyfriends hospital bed with his dead body, and cried, and cried. You knew this moment was going to be bad but you never thought it would be this bad.
The next morning Yoongi's nurse told you she thought you should go back to your apartment. You entered the living room and caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Your lipstick had all come off and you looked like a mess your eye makeup was all over your cheeks. The state of your makeup reflected how you felt inside. Like everything was wrong. You were so used to seeing Yoongi when you came into your apartment. Seeing him watching bad variety shows in his pyjamas on the couch his little puppy face lit up when you entered. All you wanted was to smell his aftershave and snuggle up to him. One last chance to tell him just how much you loved him. Everything that he owned was in your apartment. His blanket that he stayed under everyday watching TV whole you were at work was on the couch and some chilli doritos were in a bowl on the coffee table. His clothes were in his wardrobe. The only thing that wasn't there was him.
You went into your bedroom and took out one of his t-shirts from the pile. It smelled like him you went into the kitchen to eat one of the mochis Jimin brought the other day. You saw on the table a letter, written by Yoongi to his mother. You ripped it open. And read it.
Dear Mom,
I regret to tell you that I feel as if my days are drawing to a close. I don't have long left. So I'm writing this letter because I know I can trust you. Take care of Y/N when I go. Every Saturday night she and I would have 70% dark chocolate and tea. I used to go to get the chocolate so please can you bring her the chocolate. At least for a while. Please tell her I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being able to give her children, I'm sorry for not giving her a wedding. I'm sorry that I will not be there to grow old with her, because trust me if I could grow old with Y/N I would be the luckiest man on earth. I'm sorry I can't make her happy. She deserves to be happy more than anyone else on this world. Mom, I love Y/N so much please let her know that, she's the most beautiful amazing woman I ever laid my eyes on in my short lifetime. My life was short but I lived it with passion, for music and for love. My life may seem bad, but I got to spend some of it with the greatest woman alive and I can't express my gratitude to Y/N for making my good life a million times better. I love you mom. Goodbye.
Yoongi
You struggled to read through the tears in your eyes. It wasn't fair. Such a beautiful man died. He just died. Everything about him was perfect. Everything about him was special. Everything about him made you love him more everyday. Everything about him was gone.
