Smile For Me || Connor Ball

Chapter 4: nightmares

I woke up beside Connor, still in the same positions as last night, I felt safe and comfortable in his embrace, when I was with him nothing else mattered. I reached over to grab my phone to see it was only 8am so I snuggled back in to Con and tried to get back to sleep as I knew he wouldn't be up for at least another few hours. I drifted into a deep sleep and started dreaming.

*flash back*

"Oi Lucy, oi I'm talking to you, stupid slag" I didn't turn around, I was too scared, ignore it Lucy, you're better than this, blank it out, white noise.

White noise my arse, someone grabbed my shoulder, I'm guessing it was the guy shouting me before.

"I was talking to you stupid bitch, why did you ignore me" he spat at me.

"Just leave me alone" I whined, don't cry Lucy don't do it. It was too late, I tried to bite my lip to avoid the tears but it didn't work.

"Aw look at the little cry baby" he grabbed my arm and took me in to the disabled toilet, stroking my thigh I screamed at him to get off of me before he threw him self at me and kissed me. I screamed louder and pushed him away. I didn't spend the rest of the day in school, I ran home, I text James to tell him not to wait for me.

I walked in to my bathroom and picked up the blade, 5 cuts across my arm, I dropped the blade and curled up on my bed room floor, hoping to not wake up.

*flash back over*

"Luce wake up you're shaking, Luce" I felt Con grab my arm and at first it scared me a bit but I knew I was safe, I placed my head in his chest and cried.

"Lucy are you okay? What were you dreaming about?" He asked me, I couldn't bring my self to tell him about my past even more, he knew of the self harm, he didn't know the lead up to it and why it continued.

"Things that happened in the past, things I'm scared of, things I don't want to think about" he pulled me closer in to him.

"Luce I need you to tell me" I can't, I can't bring my self to speak of him, what he was going to do to me. I realised I was crying and I'd not answered Connor for a good few minutes.

"I'm sorry I, well *sigh*. I was 15 at the time, I'd been getting bullied for a while, that's how I met James you know that bit I'll not build on it, well I was walking to my lesson and this boy shouted me, but he wasn't just shouting me, he was shouting abuse at me, I tried to ignore him but it didn't work. He got more and more agitated and he grabbed my arm and pulled me in to the toilet. I was too scared to say anything, until he started rubbing my thigh, I screamed but it only made things worse, he kissed me still holding on to my thigh with one hand and his other up the back of my shirt. I screamed in his face and ran out, straight home, I didn't bother with school I couldn't face it, I couldn't face him. And that's when it happened, that's when I cut for the first time. Until James found me, i still to this day can't help but think what he'd have done if I didn't stop him, I mean I know what he'd have done but I dont want to think of it. He'd have ra" Connor cut me off.

"Don't say it Lucy, I don't want you to and I don't want to hear it, I'm so sorry" he sounded sorry, but I needed to finish, finally get out what I've been keeping in for two years.

"He'd have raped me" I cried, Con cried, we sat in each other's embrace for a while before making conversation again.

We got up and went downstairs to get breakfast, cons parents had gone to work so it was just us two, he made us pancakes, yes he is perfect, and we had orange juice. We didn't speak of earlier even though i could tell it was angering him, he sat with his fists tensed and I wanted to say something but before I could he'd stood up and looked at me with his most sympathetic look. "Luce, James does know about this doesn't he? I mean i know he knows everything I'm just making sure, i don't know, I'm probably not making any sense. I'm worried that's all." I just nodded as i knew if i said anything I'd have cried, I cry too much, but I guess when you're me you're allowed to cry.

"James knows everything, he found me so i had to tell him everything, he looked after me, don't worry. He's a busy boy though, he can't always make time for me when he has better things to do, like the band or spend time with Tash, I'm just the messed up best friend, but I'll be fine." I smiled the most fake smile ever, but Con saw straight through me.

"Is that how you see your self?" I nodded, "It's not true Lucy, and i think your're forgetting one big thing in this, me. I'm your boyfriend now, James will look out for you still but you're my responsability, and I dont care what i have to do i will make you happy. Don't even bother trying to tell me I'm wrong because I'll not even listen to you. I love you and you're going to forget about all those bullies. This is a new start Luce, you will be happy, we will be happy!" I pulled him in to a kiss and whispered in his ear "I love you" we hugged for a while and then decided to go get ready and go out.

I was happy to be able to spend some quality time with Con, like I know I've been seeing him everyday but it's been awkward with him doing alot of band practise. I'd just left school so I literally had no plans for the holidays and then college didn't start until January so I had 5 and a Half months until I needed to start working, I would say 5 and a half months of Con but I know how big the bands going to be, he'll hardly even have time for me. I was snapped out of my thoughts by Con waving in my face

'come on Luce, time to goooo" I took his hand and off we went. We were like little kids when it came to parks, we sat on the swings and chatted for a bit at first but after a while Con got him self in the baby swing and I fell off my swing laughing at him, he cheered me up though so I guess a bruised backside is the least of my worries.

"Ice cream Luce?" I nodded, "vanilla yeah?" I gigged.

"Oh Mr Ball you know me so well" he tried to curtesy and act posh but ended up tripping over a rock, I once again fell to the floor laughing, I looked up to see Connor trying to look upset but at the same time he had a massive smile on his face.

"go on then what you smiling at?" he put his hand out to pull me up and I accepted and brushed the grass off me. "You. It's nice to see you laughing and smiling and genuinely meaning it"

"You bring it out in me I guess" I blushed and went to get my ice cream. 'Thank you Con" I pulled him in to a massive hug.

"Heyy what for? Don't say 'for being here for me' because you know I always will be" he squeezed me tighter.

"Nooo I wasn't going to say that, although I am thankful. I was going to say for making me happy. You bring out a side of me that I very rarely see and I just want you to know it means a lot." he pulled me away and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, then stroking my cheek bringing my eyes on level with his. He pulled me in closer and kissed me, his lips were so soft I could honestly kiss him all day. Con's hands lowered to my bum and I let out a giggle.

"Connnnn, not here, not now!" he pouted but soon realised I had a point, we were in the middle of a park!

We took the long way back to mine so we could spend longer talking, but soon enough reached my front door.

"Thank you for today, you've really cheered me up!" I hugged him and he kissed the top of my head.

"Don't worry about it Luce, any day, any time, I'm here for you!" we kissed and then I watched him off. Yes like In a soppy love film! I don't care he makes me so happy! When I could no longer see Con I shut the door and went upstairs and laying on my bed, somehow I fell asleep.

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A/N: ok so this chapter was slightly longer but i felt it was better to put it in one big one than several different smaller ones. Please let me know if you're enjoying so far! @brxdscurls x