"YOU DIDNT SAVE ME!! None of you gave a fuck about me and I was left alone for six months with no one but coldness and darkness. You speak so highly of being strong? You couldn't protect your sister from being kidnapped and used like the marijuana y...
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I'm cursed.
Something always goes wrong when I rely on someone. When I was young, about 9 years old my father abused my mother for the first time in front of me. I didn't know it was happening because I had never seen it on tv or heard of it at school. But once he locked her in their room and I heard cries, banging on the door I pleaded with him to stop. If I had been older I would have called the police or grabbed a weapon but I only hit the door until my father left the room. It never left the back of my mind. At school I'd ask if God would be angry if I attacked my father to protect my mother, but the thought of abusing ones parents was foreign to religion.
I ran to shield her when he didn't lock himself with her. He must have forgotten or become brazen enough to do it in front of me. After protecting my mother I clung to my phone and dialled by lover. Crying and sobbing into the small rose gold device I bore my heart out. All the fear and pain I was feeling.
That person replied with;
Are you crying or laughing?
Continuing to speak, I realised I wasn't speaking at all. My words were scrambled and fried; I was vomiting them all over the place. No one understood and no one cared. Not even the police.
*** The second time I relied on someone was when my father told us he was getting a second wife. He was 53 and she was 26. That was the period of time I cried most in my life. I couldn't fathom the betrayal and pain I felt. My entire childhood, my admiration and love for my father gathered up in my throat. I felt corrupted with coal, hyperventilating with saliva drenching my hands that held my jaw. My eyes felt like they were being punched, my heart was shattered, my soul fading away.
I went to a friend, he promised me he'd always be there for me. He swore he loved me. He answered as I laid my heart to him. All he said was;
Cry and let it out.
For some people that may be enough. But it wasn't for me. I laughed internally and rolled my eyes. Cry? I am crying. If I wanted to die, or if I was in the process of dying would you tell me to die?
Dying will let it bleed out.
But no they won't let me die. When a person talks about death they begin to care. But the idiots don't understand, just like being isolated is a sign of depression, anxiety and socio phobia, crying is a sign of everything negative. Pain is a sign of upcoming depression, anxiety, withdrawal and eventually a slow death.
** The third time I relied on people. I didn't keep it at one person. I figured, two people have a higher chance of helping me. Being there for me. That's what I learnt in English, you don't need medicine or psychologists to help you, you need a loving and supportive environment. You need a secure social network to help you get through pain.
The third time was a fight between my father and I, he was going to kick out a member of my family for running off and coming back. I retorted with the fact that he left us three times before, for a month each. Returning back only to brag about the women he 'met.' Eventually returning with a woman. Oh wait no. She's a young woman few years older than me.
When I told my friends, I waited. I waited and waited. But none of them replied. I guess my problems aren't as big as theirs. I made a vow to always be there for them. Why couldn't they do the same for me? Why do I always think about others, give them what I want only to have them disappoint me over and over again?
Why? Why? Why...
Something always happens when I rely on people. All stages of my reliance has ended in disappointment. Pain. Anger. Every time it happens, I swear I'll never rely on them again. But I forgive them and return in this cycle.
But this is the last straw. I won't rely on humanity anymore. I'll work hard myself, I'll build a wall that will never be crossed over.
I won't be weak and ask for help. I don't need or want anyone.
I'll be strong.
I can do this.
You can do this {....}
***
Hey, guys! I'm so sorry for taking the chapters off this site. I'd like to edit them more and have better scenes, grammar and drama. I wrote this at 17 and unfortunately the writing is hideous. I'll update 3-5 times a week! Thank you for reading and I'm sorry for the wait! But the re-edited version will be much better.
