I loved her.. probably even more than I had loved myself. She gave me the strength & courage to be who I was. Her smile was something else, it went with her, it was like every smile belonged to her. Our love was not something that you've seen in movies, it was real. It was more real than anything I've ever felt in my entire life. That feeling was the only thing that kept me going.
Chapter 1
"Jani.. Jani.. Jani wake up!" Jani.. you have two options, you can lay here pretending to be asleep while your mother annoyingly bugs you to wake up, or you can wake up & live to face another day. "Jani, if you don't wake up in 5 seconds, you're grounded." Seriously. I struggled to open my eyes to make it seem believable. "You're the worst mother ever, you know that?" She laughed & stood up. "Kaci is waiting for you in the living room. Breakfast will be ready in-" I cut her off and ran into the living room. "Wow, is that really what you look like in the morning." There she was.. Kaci Marvin. The most beautiful girl in all of kitnidge. She looked especially beautiful today. "Oh shut up, you know I don't wake up until 12." She laughed, her laugh was that kinda laugh that made you laugh uncontrollably, it was adorably different. "So I figured today we could go out to the town fair, you up for it?" I was never the type of person that would want to go outside. I mean, why go outside & be judged on who you are when you can stay in the comfort of your home and sleep.
Mayor Carnegie. Yep, that was my dad. WAS. He always made sure that I was happy. He always heard me out. He was the only man who ever understood me. Or so I thought.. How is it that you can put your all into someone & not get anything back? I used to be loved by my parents. I thought that who I was, was something my parents would love. But, I was wrong. Totally wrong. Even if I were still alive, I'd never forgive them for what they've done to me. They stripped apart the person I was & tossed me out of their life. Family was the only thing I thought I had left...
I went to the town fair with Kaci & it was not as fun as I thought it would be. We watched a short film on how parents should protect themselves from homosexuals, it had made me comfortable under certain circumstances. "You know, when I have kids, I'll make sure they never turn out to be those kinda of immoral freak shows." I looked Kaci in the eye & it gave me the chills just knowing how serious she was. I just chuckled and nodded my head as she continued on how being a homosexual was wrong & how Kitnidge enforced laws towards them. "You know, Kaci.. if you're children ended up being homosexuals, would you accept them anyway?" I looked down and bit my lip anxiously as I waited for her to say something. "I would disown them in a heartbeat, I'm sorry but there's no way I will ever let my kids turn out that way." I felt disappointed because, well.. I loved her.. a little more than i should. I brushed it off and nodded let the words slip from my mouth.. "You're right, no child should end up that way.. it's immoral.." She looked at me with disapproving eyes.. what did she really expect me to say? I wasn't going to get into it with her because I knew all my thoughts would stumble out of my mouth and I'd ruin everything..
I went home that night bewildered and tried to think of why she looked at me the way she did. Had I said something wrong? Wasn't she the one who said she'd disown her own children? How low could she get? And yet she had the nerve to lay that look on me.. but why? Maybe she wanted me to reassure her that it's okay to be different.. or maybe she just wanted to see how I'd react to what she had said.. Jani, get it together.. she'd never have thoughts of being gay in her mind.. I mean, at least I don't think she would. I just need rest. Yeah, maybe that will get my mind off the fact that my best friend acted like everything I hoped she'd never be.. I changed into a pair of sweats I had borrowed from Kaci a few weeks ago. She never asked for them so I figured I'd hold onto them a little longer. I tied my hair up in a loose bun and got settled in my bed. I was about to close my eyes when my mother had walked in. "Jani, can I talk to you for a second? Kaci's mom called a couple minutes ago.. she said Kaci is acting very strange, do you know why?" I sat up and shifted my back up against a pillow. "She was fine at first.. we went to the town fair and saw a video on homosexuals.." My mom sat down on the edge of my bed and looked over at me. "I get the chills at the thought of that word. I'm so glad you and your brothers didn't turn out that way. I think I'd be damaged and I'd probably feel disappointed.. all that time raising an abomination. What a waste of time." I blinked continuously and looked down and took in everything my mother had just said.. Is that really what she thinks of them? Nothing but abominations. I cleared my throat and shrugged. "She said the same thing.. well not word for word but something along what you said. But she kind of got upset when I agreed with her." My mom reached over and gently kissed my forehead and caressed my cheek with her thumb. "Well, whatever happened, I'm sure she'll get over it." I nodded and looked up at her. My stomach turned as I replayed her words in my mind.. abomination... "Well goodnight sweetheart. Sleep well." She left and I layed back down and fell right asleep. Abomination...
Chapter 2
I woke up the next morning without a single thought in my mind. I can't make the pain and confusion too obvious, especially with the towns anniversary today. Throughout breakfast that is all my father could talk about. "Jani.. I want you to be up there when I announce the towns 100th anniversary... Jani, aren't you excited?!" How do you say you're not the least bit excited in the nicest way possible?! Of course I did respond with a smile and a nod. "yeah dad.. can't wait." Kaci called the house five times.. and I told my mom the same thing over and over.. "Jani is busy with her dad, she'll call back later." I didn't know what I could have said to her if I had answered the phone. I'm still bewildered by what she had said to me. But, I'm gonna have to face her later at the ceremony. I walked over to the house phone and slowly dialed her number but before I could finish, the phone rang again. I answered but waited a few seconds before saying anything. "Jani.. is that you?! Jani, please.. did I do something wrong?... Jani?!" I froze. What can I say without the truth coming out. I can't risk it. I hung up. Jani, calm down. Just focus on the ceremony and deal with Kaci later. I walked back upstairs and changed into the same dress I had worn at the last town ceremony. It was my favorite. Lavender with small daisies all over. It was my favorite because it's the only thing that makes me feel beautiful & that's all I want.. to be beautiful. I slid on my black flats and walked downstairs and saw Kaci and her family sitting in the living room. What the hell am I going to do? I can't just walk right back upstairs, that's rude. Oh and hanging up on her all the time isn't rude? Ugh. I slowly walked down the steps and my dad stood up from his seat. "Jani, you look beautiful." I blushed and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. I looked over at Kaci and she was just staring at me.. like nothing else in the world existed but her & I.
