The FOG
Doug Nelson
One Saturday morning Dad was using some #1 fuel oil to clean his lifters on an old jeep he had, or at least that’s what he told me he was doing. He took hold of the throttle linkage on the carburetor and gave it a little nudge. The engine revved slightly and he poured a little fuel oil into the carburetor. The whole yard was instantly engulfed in a blanket of white smoke. “Cool” I said, and immediately began to think of a way that I could do it automatically. The next day on my way to church it was misting a bit so I flipped on the wipers that just made a mess, so I pushed the washer button to clean off the mess and instantly knew just how to do it. That afternoon I emptied out the washer reservoir and filled it with #1 fuel oil. Then I removed the spray tubes from the spray nozzle and stuck them into the back two barrels of my try power carburetion and secured them in place. I anxiously jumped into the driver’s seat started the engine then revved it a bit and pushed the washer button. Wow just like I imagined it. I was sitting in the middle of a cool white cloud. Earlier that month I had installed lake pipes down the side of the 59 Chevy that ended just in front of the rear wheels. I also at the same time installed cut-outs. With a flip of a lever I could by-pass the glass packs and exhaust the engine through the lake pipes, the roar of all eight pistons of the 409 engine was deafening. The effect was awesome; it looked like the rear wheels were on fire as the wheel wells filled with smoke. The one thing I hadn’t taken the time to consider was the washers were designed to give 4 squirts, not one. My initial try was with the hoses empty, so I probably only got maybe ½ a squirt. Anxious to try it out for real I put it in gear and headed for town so that more people than just me could experience this awesome sight. I pulled to a stop at a red light, the late afternoon sun was hot as it pierced through the closed window of my 59 Chevy convertible. The normally busy intersection was nearly empty; a more perfect time to try it out would be rare. When the light turned green I gave the accelerator a tap, pulled the lever to by-pass the mufflers, hit the washer button and put the accelerator to the floor. The tires screamed as the engine roared to life and I took off like a bullet. Everything went as planned until I looked in the rear view mirror. There was nothing visible except a totally opaque white cloud. The whole street from the intersection to my rear bumper was, from my point of view, nonexistent. It wasn’t long, possibly two blocks down the road when I noticed the closest part of the cloud to me was pulsating red. About a ½ mile down the road the cloud dissipated and from out of the smoke came a police car. I pulled over and turned the ignition off; he pulled in behind me and got out of his squad car, as he walked toward me I could see his silver sunglasses were covered with an iridescent film of oil. The officer approached my car taking a hankie from his pocket and began to wipe the film from his glasses. The look on his face was a combination of disgust, disbelief and Anger. He stood there a minute trying to collect his thoughts all the time rubbing his glasses. Finally he said "I hope you learned your lesson, if you wouldn't have left the light in such a hurry you wouldn't have blown your engine." I slowly reached over to the lever on the dash and diverted the exhaust back through my mufflers. All total that year I got 13 traffic tickets with that 59 Chevy. Some I deserved some I didn’t, I think there may have been a picture of that car posted on the wall at the police station. That ticket cost me $450 and back then the police would remove a corner of your license and when all corners were gone your license was confiscated. By now my license was looking more like a hexagon than a rectangle.
