Depression Diaries...

I wrote this in my 2013-14 school year, this does not really pertain to me anymore and I have gotten a lot better.

May be triggering... i dont know. I just wrote what came to mind.

Im done...
I cant take this anymore...
Just let me go...
Please...

I just want to run away and never be found...

I care way too much for people who don't care for me at all.

"Just tired" she said But you could tell it was not just a lack of sleep but a lack of hope and happiness that made her act the way she did.

I'm tired of living...and being hurt.

You really don't know how bad it's gotten, have you?

You never notice how much you care about someone, until they don't care about you.

A beautiful girl, with gorgeous eyes In a hidden world of hurt and lies

She starts to give up She starts to not care She pictures a better world
One where she's not there.

They don't ask if she's okay
They never question what's wrong
They don't offer any help
They can't tell she's done being strong

Her hair is messy
Her smile has gone
Her tears have arrived Her frown is on

What if you were to wake up one day and realize that your whole life had been a dream?

Then you start thinking of what it could be, and you realize just how much is wrong.

It just happens. You feel empty, and you feel hopeless. And you just feel tired. As if you never want to move again.

Sometimes I like to pretend that everything's alright because when everyone else thinks you're fine, you forget for a while that you're not.

You deserve someone less crazy, less messed up, less insecure and less awkward.

I always find myself caught between saying too much and not saying enough.

She's dying to live, but she's dying to die.

Don't call me beautiful until you have seen my skin.

Society killed off what was left of her confidence. And yet she still blamed the mirror.

I can't look at myself in the mirror without wishing I looked like someone else.

To be honest I find it hard to believe that there is someone out there that would be able to spend the rest of their life with me.

We all carry these things inside that no one else can see. They hold us down like anchors, they drown us out to sea.

Isn't it weird that you can have friends but also have no friends at the same time?

But, everyone still sees me as the girl who always smiles.

I say sorry to much
I hate myself.
I act happy.
I lie and say I'm fine.
I push people away.
I scream in silence.
I cry myself to sleep.
I starve myself.
I cut my skin.

You don't even see what you're doing to me, and that's what scares me the most.

Just because I'm useless, doesn't mean I'm nothing.

And the worst thing is, the next day it happens all over again until the day you give up.

You go home,
you look in the mirror, you cry,
you think you are ugly, you think you are fat, you want to die.

I wish I could go back to a time when i could smile and it didn't take everything in me to do it.

Is this all there is?

I don't care if you don't like me. Join the club, I heard they're getting t-shirts!

Anyone can regret.
Anyone can hurt.
Anyone can feel.
Anyone can cause harm.
Anyone can cry.
Anyone can self-harm.
Anyone can commit suicide.

People who make you feel bad for liking the things you like are the worst kind of people.

Sometimes I think of my childhood then and my life now wondering when was the moment that everything went to hell.

I care way too much for people...who don't care for me at all.

I'm tired of living...and being hurt.

Do you know what it's like to feel ugly all the time?

We all want someone to notice, but as soon as they do, we wish they never did.

Every thought is a battle. Every breath is a war, and I don't think I'm winning anymore.

Its hard to admit that you're not as strong as everyone believes you are.

Do you ever just sit there and look at yourself and examine every single detail about yourself and just get really upset because you're you?

There's too much to escape from and nowhere to escape to.

Yes, I give up on myself. Write it on my grave if it will make you feel better.

I put on too much makeup, because I want to hide my emotions.

She hated herself for all she was and ever will be. And nothing you do could ever change her mind.

Sadness is not beautiful. What is beautiful is a sunrise or butterfly, not staying up late with blood stained sheets or tear stained eyes.

I am a monster.
A monster who would do anything to once again feel loved.
I locked away my loved ones.
I do it all to protect them.
I kill those I love.
I will hurt them.
I am a monster.

Now I will do anything,
I mean anything to get my heart back.
For with my heart I keep the ones I love.
Without the pain I am somthing else.
I am heartless.
I sacrifice the joy of a heart
to keep away the pain that comes with one.
But the pain keeps me human.

I live in the darkness.
The darkness brings the numbness.
The numbness brings the sleep.
The sleep takes away the pain.

That awkward moment when you think you are important to someone, and you're not.

Scream, to be heard, like you needed anymore attention.

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I'm gonna rant for a second so hold on

so i cant even handle alan right now. all i want to do is hug and kiss him and stuff him in my closet untill he has to leave because i dont think that i an handle him leaving for 7 months. i have gotten so used to having him around and now he's not even gonna be there.

and i feel like its my fault... and i know its not.... but thats how my brain is wired to think...

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so this year JT and brandon and alan are leaving for college, then next year it will be Kamin and Bri and other people you don't know and then the year after that it will be Kiera, Cassidy, Tiler, Keegan, and everyone else and then in my senior year ill be all alone.... i don't think i can handle all of my friends leaving me. and i am writing this with tears streaming down my eyes.