The Light At The Very End Of The Tunnel

Honor

Firas
I've never been close to my father. Ever since I was little, I feared him. He had this aura around him that screamed authority. He wasn't someone you wanted to mess with. But as I grew up, my feelings towards him changed from fear to hatred and finally to respect. He was a principled man. A man of his word. He was good to his wife. He respected those below him. And he never stepped on people's toes if he could help it. And even though he never told me he loved me, he gave me everything I've ever wanted. And all he asked of me in return was for me to be an honorable man. I didn't really feel like an honorable man right now. Hiding behind my father's influence to get back to the army. Walking away from Menna while she was flat on the floor because I pushed her with the door. I felt more like a failure than anything. I didn't know how to make it right with her. But one thing is for sure. I needed to get back to what I knew how to do best. I never imagined father would allow me to go back into the army. I had asked him about it in his study. His huge mustache was starting to show specks of white hair. He was very bald. And his chubby chins where set. As always. He only looked up from his papers and asked
'Are you sure? ' And I nodded. He went back to reading his papers and I realized he had given his consent.

I still hadn't passed all my psychological tests with flying colors. One word from him, and I was already deployed to Iraq. I needed to face my demons. I needed to face my fears head on. But before that fear, there was another I needed to face. I had jumped into the enemy territory headfirst with no fear in my mind. I had ran through mine files with bullets flying all around me with nothing but adrenalin pumping through me. Still I stood before mother feeling like an ant with the sky it's canopy. She was standing in front of a huge painting in the livingroom. Her gaze so full of fury it could have burnt a hole through me. I faltered. I could tell she knew. She had tears in her eyes. Angry tears.

'Mother' I said
She raised up a hand to silence me

'Go fix yourself Firas. Please come back to me' she said with a sob. I walked across to her and engulfed her in a hug. She cried uncontrollably. I felt my heart squeeze. I would much rather be screamed at. I knew she was angry. But this calmness made me feel heart broken.

'I'm sorry mother' I said honestly. I held her until her sobs subsided

'Have you told Menna' She asked pulling away from me.

'Yes.' I replied

'Firas, give her a chance. Give yourself a chance.' She said. I nodded. Just to keep her heart at rest.

I wasn't suicidal or anything. But the fact that there was always a chance of not coming back, I had to make things right with everyone I cared about. I might deny it, but I cared what happened to Menna. I might not fulfill all the qualities a husband is supposed to possess but I didn't want her to be hurt because of me. I didn't want anyone hurting because of me.

I knocked twice on our room. Menna's room. I never sleep there. Not since the wedding night anyway. I pushed open the door and found her fast asleep on the floor. A book was open on her chest. Her long lashes fanning her fair cheeks. How did she become someone I cared about. I didn't know anything about her. But she makes me feel so out of control. When I saw those men with her that night, I thought I would pass out. And when she didn't wake up, I felt like everything was crumbling around me. I didn't at all like the feelings she invokes in me. Perhaps some time away from her would bring me to my senses. I wasn't going to impose the rules on marriage on her. I knew she needed to be here. She didn't want to be here. Be as it may, I wasn't going to hurt her. I wanted her to be happy. But I had zero idea on what she wanted. I knew she had a sense of humor. I knew she loved to read. I knew she was fearless. Well that was debatable. Going out alone, in the middle of the night was more stupid than dauntless. I knew she wore her emotions on her sleeve. It was always etched in her bottomless eyes. And I..... I knew she was beautiful. In an innocent way. The thought made my throat itch. One fact I knew though, was that she didn't want to be here. She was a bird. And a bird belonged in the sky. I took out the letter I wrote to her, kept it on the stool beside the mirror and left.