Something changed inside of me once my best friend Catie died in a car accident. A drunk driver struck her side of the car and she died instantly. After Catie died my wrists turned black, blue because I
cut and cut
and cut and cut
and cut and cut and cut.
And cut.
My boyfriend Louis and his friends Niall, Liam, Zayn and Harry were coming over today.
Ding dong!
They were here! I pulled down my sleeves, put the razor away and wiped up the fresh blood from the floor, and ran down the stairs to the front door.
"Hey!" I said as cheerfully as I could since I was in pain from the new cuts.
"Hey." said Louis grabbing my wrists and pulling me into a squished hug. I tried not to flinch, but I failed. I think Louis saw, but I'm not sure.
"Lou you can let go now." I say.
"Okay." He saw because when he lets go he reaches for my sleeves and pulls them up. "Why do you keep doing this to yourself?" he asks me tears building up in his eyes.
"Why do you think?" I throw back. "Why would I want to just stand by and let my best friend die while I live a happy painless life?" I shout.
"Well you could at least take it out on a wall or something, instead of cutting yourself. How long have you been doing this?" he asks me.
"Since when do you care?" I spat at him. I had never had someone besides him care before. Everyone else did nothing, or said nothing. I never thought someone would care.
"Since when do I care? You're my girlfriend! I care and I always will!" he shouts at me.
"Well if you cared so much, how come you never noticed before?" I shouted back at him. I was angry that he wouln't just let some things drop sometimes.
"I.." he started. Then stared at the floor silent.
"That's what I thought! You never cared about me, and you never will!" I shout taking out my pocket knife. "This one is for having no parents." Slice. I fall to the floor crying but don't stop. "This one is for being me." Slice. "This one is for having a boyfriend." Slice. Louis bursts into tears. "This one is for being human." Slice. "This one is for being born." Slice. Liam comes over to me and tries to take the knife away so I cut deep enough to try to bleed out and I think I hit a vain.
"Stop! Just stop please!" Don't kill yourself!" Louis is begging me still in tears.
"Please Katrina. I need a friend." Zayn whimpers to me. I didn't even realize he was bye me. Zayn was the shy quiet type of boy, that kept to himself.
"Let me get one thing straight. You guys are really trying to save me? You really care if I'm alive?" I whisper, tears welling up in my eyes. I let them fall. Louis wipes them away with his thumb still crying.
"Yes. Because we love you." says Liam. He looks at the knife hoping I drop it. I do. Zayn snatches it away and I black out. Probably from the blood loss.
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THREE MONTHS LATER
The boys begged me to stop cutting. I tried. But I kept getting called names and such at school, so I found the razor blade and took it to my skin and placed five fresh cuts on each arm. I still cut all the time. I just couldn't take it anymore! The boys came home and Louis came to my room. We had gotten so much closer since they saved me. But I don't think I could save myself anymore. Not even for him. He came into my room, saw me on the floor with blood. I pulled my sleeves down, but I'm pretty of sure he saw the new cuts on each arm. He came rushing over to me and grabbed my wrists. There were other new cuts to. I flinched. He pulled my sleeves and drops my arms and starts crying. Zayn and Liam appeared a moment later to comfert to Louis and I pull my sleeves down. It would break thier hearts. I had been cutting for over two months after I promised to stop. Harry and Niall came up to my room too. They looked at me giving me a 'what did you do' look. Zayn and Liam got him talk after some soothing. "Show them you're wrists." he says quietly. I don't do it and a moment later I hear louder "Show them you're wrists." I hesitated then did as he told me. I held my wrists out and held them up. The boys lifted my sweater sleeves and I saw dissopointment on all or thier faces.
"Why? Why do this to yourself?" Zayn asks me.
"Because I feel like nothing. I feel like a whore, a useless bitch, a slut. As I get called at school. Everyone hates me! I can't walk around one hall without getting called a name or getting picked on! I can't take it anymore!" I shout at them.
"I'm so sorry! We didn't know!" he says back.
I have been staring at the floor since I showed them my wrists. Zayn put his hands on my face and turned it to look at him. I keep my eyes on the ground. "Look at me." he whispers. I do. Then the others get up off the floor. Liams comes over and tells me to give him the razor I cut myself with. I give it to him. Louis comes over to me and grabs me around the waist and hugs me tight. The other join in our hug.
"Where are they?" he asks me.
I knew what he was talking about but I stayed silent. He asked again. "Where are they?"
"Look around you." I whisper. "They are everywhere. Do you really think I would stop because I don't have my razors?"
"No." he sighed. "I was afriad of that." He grabs a cheap bag and goes into my bathroom and grabs every sharp object he can find. He does the same to my room.
"Now how will you cut yourself?" he smiles.
I smile. "Trust me. I'll find a way." I say. The smile vanishes from his face. The others follow him out the door. I close the door and lock it. I didn't tell them and they see it when I put it in my pocket. I only gave them one. I needed this one. I needed to add far worse to myself. Hell, I could even slit my throat right now. But instead I sit on the floor and slit my arms between my elboe and wrist over and over again...
