Just Me

An Update On My Life

Hello, readers.

     Actually, no. Hello, reader.

     I highly doubt that anyone is going to read this, knowing how insignificant I am compared to everyone I know versus everyone who knows me. But I wanted to write down how I feel about everything that has been happening to me lately. I want to convey my frustration to the world. Yes, there will be pros and cons. But I want to pour my heart out over everything that has impacted me in a bad way. All at the same time, I would like to recognize the few people who have been through the thick and thin with me.

     A few weeks ago, I underwent my first breakup. It happened because (she or he) mainly wanted to focus on school that way I wouldn't be a burden to (her or his) workload. However, I just felt unloved compared to how (she or he) treated (her or his) friends. (She or he) would always seem to treat them pathologically and with affection whereas all of the conversations between (she or he) and me were ethical. I was jealous. I wanted the spoken person to myself. I bickered with (her or him) a lot, and we decided to give it a rest. However, even as friends, (she or he) would be abbreviated with me. Yet (she or he) would still be somewhat active whether or not it was online or somewhere else. But staying friends was never enough for me anymore. I wanted to be more than that. So even when I promised to not pressurize (her or him), I still did. Our last argument ended in a withdrawal, and I said many things to (her or him) that were untrue and stated out of anger. I told my ex that I didn't want (her or him) anymore and that (she or he) never made the best out of anything we did together. I blocked my ex almost everywhere and just thought deeply to myself for dozens of days before mustering up the courage to unblock (her or him) and try to tell (her or him) that I was okay. I told my ex that I was going to be gone for a couple of months before I'd be able to face (her or him) again as a friend. But, hell, even I knew I was too clingy to do that. In between, (she or he) believed that it was a permanent "goodbye", so (she or he) passed (her or his) last message to me through my friend AngelicMelodie . I panicked. I didn't know what to do. And, now, (she or he) is over me completely and probably wants nothing to do with me. I sent (her or him) an apologetic message and (she or he) never responded.

I went to go visit my counselor on Friday to talk to her about the whole ordeal. I told her that I constantly lurked on my ex's profile—in fact, I was on there at least once everyday—and that I was suffering from the conclusion of losing someone who I depended on the most. I told her that my conversations with people who I used to talk to immediately ceased. I told her the nasty things that I did to myself that I don't even want to mention here. My counselor provided me with feedback that I already acknowledged through my time of analogy and thought.

She told me that I was acting obsessive and that I constantly made assumptions. I was talking in a jig-jag sort of structure meaning that I went from positive to negative to positive to negative (/\/\/\). I personally believed that during our relationship, all of my friends disappeared. However, she made me realize something. Why would all of my friends leave me at once? It was blatantly obvious. I was the one who disappeared from everyone else. Because I lost my significant other who gave me the attention that I specifically wanted, I felt like a dog stranded in Antartica with nothing warm to snuggle against.

So, of course, I ventured out to find new friends who would acknowledge my identity and not what other people say about me. I got in touch with some friends and tried to get a little closer to them by inviting them to play multiplayer games with me. I'm specifically planning on trying to tie us all together by playing as a clique because I want to be connected to a branch. But I got their phone numbers, Skypes, WhatsApps, etc. Even then does the pain never go away. However, it eases... It eases and softens when I talk to the people who guarantee me the attention that I urge for. PheerTheDark , even though she has had her phone confiscated, stood alongside me and gave me slight reassurance but provided comfort. She was there for me, and I am heavily thankful for that because I knew for a fact that she supports me and doesn't want my heart to ache. Even though we have embarrassing and personal discussions together, she always knows how to flatter and fluster me with conversations that atmospherically vary from sentimentally sweet to risqué to just... fucking humorous. I love having her around. I understand that she isn't able to talk to me as much as she used to, but I look forward to seeing her soon when she does get her electronic privileges back.