The Year With No Sun

Garden of Arms

My whole life

I've been told that affection

is measured through attention

Through the clasping of hands

and the whispering of lips,

the way two heartbeats

become intertwined

Even when I was a kid

and the boys

they made fun of me

I was told that I was silly,

couldn't I see they liked me?

With a new found confidence

I continued to age

I didn't really care

how the boys would treat me

After all, I knew now

they definitely liked me

Fast forward to the boy

who demonstrated affection

through the crack of knuckles

and the increase of my heartbeat

Purple flowers on my skin

they form and fade

into yellow crescent moons

until I am new again

But not entirely,

my garden is extending,

flowering across my body

and he says I look beautiful,

but I cant think

because every time I blink

I water the flowers with droplets salty sweet

Eventually the sweet words

stop fleeing his mouth

It's all where are you texts

and you know I love you's

But the issue is he's taken my heart

squished it between his fingers

and wringed it dry

So I don't flinch anymore,

turn my head to side

Each breath is hollowed

I cant imagine

what another life is like

But each day

as I'm slipping slowly through my own fingers

my heart she beats

a little bit louder

Till her wavelengths

make my eardrums bleed

I'm shouting to hear myself think,

but he doesn't even blink

The doors never open,

but this time the window is

So I climb out

jump with no hesitation

Land and start cutting

deep into my chest cavity,

peel back my skin and the layers underneath

My fingers pricked by thorns

snap away my ribs

until I can peer in and see

that where my heart should be it's empty

Just a tiny bird perched on my sternum

who's wings are flapping to the tune

of my absentee heartbeat

I reach in,

pull her out,

extend my garden of arms

and set her free

Because in my heart I know

this is not what

I love you means