love by chance - a one direction fan fic

Emily reminisces

Emily's P.O.V

"It's definitely a good thing that your memory has already started returning!" the doctor reassured  Jess. You should be out by tomorrow, unless something goes wrong," at Jess' alarmed face she hastily added "not that it will of course, it's extremely unlikely. Just as long as your friends here keep trying to jog your memory, you should be okay,"  she smiled warmly at the both of us, but that didn't still my frantic worries. What if she wasn't okay? What if she never remembered all that stuff she's lost again? Or, worse still, what if she forgets more stuff? What if she forgets me? Me and Jess have done everything together, I couldn't bear it if she forgot me. What would I do? All those years we spent together. All lost. All gone. Forever.

I glance round at the four boys standing around me, looking anxiously at Jessica. Louis looked the most worried. His brow was creased, and he looked about fifty years older. But I couldn't tell if that was worry about Jess or Harry. Probably both, but mostly Harry I guessed. After all, how would you feel when your best friend no longer moved, let alone had any life in him? Louis's phone suddenly started ringing, the typical   iphone ringtone. He warily picked it up. From the look on his face, it was Harry.

"Harry, what's up? Is something wrong? Come see Jessica. She keeps saying your name Harry, I don't know why, but I think she needs you. Come on man. Where are you? Shall I pick you up? Or do you want to walk back here to the hospital. Or you can always get the bus, do you have your oyster card? If not, do you want to use mine? You could also go on the tube or.." Words spilled out of Louis's mouth in a jumble. He sounded so worried and agitated. 

I just about heard Harry's reply on the other end of the line. 

"Tell the boys and Emily and... J..- J- J..  her friend.. not to expect me back anytime soon. I'm going now. Bye." and with that, the line went dead. Louis sighed deeply, muttering something under his breath that sounded like: "Every time." He can't even say her name anymore. And apart from Harry and Jess, I'm the only one who knows why. They're in love. Love. Something I wish so badly I could have. Something I once had, but i know that i will probably never have again. And instantly my mind is drawn back to Josh. I turned away from the others, not wanting them to see my tears. Josh, oh, Josh. If only you could be here now. If only. Josh was always the one to make me happy. He was the one who understood me. He was the one who used to wipe the tears from my face. But now the tears fall freely. And they just keep falling. And falling. And falling. 

The regrets will never leave me. If only I had agreed to go to the shop to buy the milk, instead of Josh going. A stupid, petty arguement, that ended in absolute destruction. That ended in my whole life collapsing in front of me, as i stood by, helpless. If only that taxi had got stuck behind, I don't know, a rubbish truck, or some traffic lights. If only it hadn't sped past the pelican crossing at the same time as Josh had crossed it, headphones in ears and blackberry in hand. A million times I would go back and be in his position. A million times I would go to the shop instead of him. A million times I would cross the crossing at  the same time he did, die so he survived. A million times I would lose my life to keep Josh alive. But I guess the main thing besides Jess that keeps me going, is the thought that me dying now, that me killing myself, won't bring Josh back. Just bring more grief. And I've had enough of that in my life already. Maybe if...

"Emily? EMILY?! Hello? Em? You okay? em?!!!" Niall's urgent Irish accent brought me back to reality. He tapped me gently on the back. I slowly turned until I was facing him, before remembering why I was turned the other way and quickly swivelling back round again to face the wall. But it was too late. 

"Emily, what's wrong?" Niall asked, his tone much gentler this time.

"Nothing," I mumbled, sniffing. To be perfectly honest though, if I had to tell one of them, it would always be Niall.