The Zoldyck's Nanny (Illumi x Reader)

Chapter Forty-Three: Apologies

"Don't... don't look at me like that." Illumi faltered.

"Like what?" You asked, lying perfectly still.

"Like you still love me." You watched as his eyes glazed over and he pulled his arm back. "Don't look like you should have any reason to stay alive!" Illumi screamed out.

"You gave me Killua. I will always love you for that."

His lips twitched and his nose starting running just enough for him to snuffle.

"Stop it."

"Stop what?" You asked gently.

"Stop giving me reasons not to kill you."

"Why kill me in the first place? Not that I object."

"Don't be happy that you're going to die! Thinking of you makes me feel terrible! How else to get rid of it but by killing you and marrying Hisoka?!" Illumi was irrational, ready to strike at any moment. He couldn't admit that he had been manipulated. He was pathetic enough already.

"Every moment of my life I've been provided with a reason to live. If this is my time, then it's my time. I just ask that you don't tell your brothers." The thought of him marrying Hisoka gave you a sickening peace. At least someone would be there to love Illumi.

"My son! Killua is my son! Why won't anybody acknowledge that?!" This was going in a different direction than you had expected. Now was the time for some risk.

"He's our son. He always has and will always be our son. But you hurt him. You promised to watch over him and protect him, but instead you hurt him. You hurt me."

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't want to. I couldn't stop myself. He just suggested... No—I hate me. You hate me. Kil and Kalluto hate me. I hate myself so much— it seemed like the best opportunity! Kil would be safe, but I could have just protected him! I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I hate that I can't tell you how sorry I am, I hate that I can't say sorry to Killua. I hate that I can't be his papa— and I'm an idiot for not realizing what I had! I'm sorry I'm just sorry." He walked over towards the window and started screaming even louder. "I hate my family! I hate them so much! Mother, Father, Hisoka, Ojii-san, all of them! They ruined my life!"

"They just changed it. Things don't have to be ruined."

"They're ruined! You ruined them! You could've loved me still! You could have told me it was okay! You called me a monster! In front of everybody, you called me an emotionless, cold monster! After all the time we spent together! He wouldn't have done that, so how could you say that!?"

"Because that is what you were being!" You finally got fed up. Sitting up, you continued your verbal assault. "You said! You promised! You would be better to him than your parents! You put a needle in him! And don't deny it, I know you did!"

"SO WHAT IF I DID? I WANTED TO PROTECT HIM! HIS LIFE WAS IN DANGER! I love him so much it hurts." He came over to you and loomed over you menacingly. "And I love you so much that it hurts, YN. I love you so, so much. And I am so..." his face was wet with tears and his emotionless facade long gone. "So..." You noticed that he still had his pins in his hands, and when you went to look for your scythe, it was gone. He had taken it.

"Sorry." And with his arm wound back, he swung down his deadly pins.