That day was colder than usual. It was going to be a terrible day, and I didn’t even know it then, but I do now. Things were going to happen, and lives were crushed. Yet, because I didn’t know it, I thought it was going to be a normal day. A day filled with lonely stares, quiet words, and awkward moments, my ear buds were to be in all day. This was just a normal day to me, I didn’t know any better.
When I arrived at school, I went straight to art class and sat in my normal spot across from Connor. Most of the time I don’t say much, Connor likes to talk a lot.
“Good morning sunshine!” Connor said, “What’s happening today Josiah?”
He always said this, some would say it’s annoying, but he’s the only friend I had. Connor was always happy, even a cold dreary day like this one. It took a long time to realize this, but I really needed the positive energy.
“What do you think?” I said as I was working on my painting.
“Simmer! I just wanted to know if you’re doing better today.” Connor replied.
“You know I don’t like to talk about myself, you’re the talkative one.” I mumbled, “But if you really need to know, I’m feeling a little better than yesterday.”
“Great now to make you feel even better, put your earbuds in and listen to some music.” He responded jokingly, “I can’t fix everything!”
I didn’t doubt him, and soon enough, seven songs later I felt a little happiness. The kind of music that makes you feel numb to the world, therefore it’s easier to feel content. I don’t think I could ever be happy. Not with the life that I have right now.
Connor couldn’t always help; I did have a few other friends. Well if you consider them friends. Raze and Dylan helped me feel better when I couldn’t do it myself. They helped me feel like I was somebody and not a nobody. I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into. And how would I know? I was only a fifteen year old boy on Prozac. My mom was over protective and very needy of a loving son. That was something I could never be. It was something my mom just had to live without.
I lived my entire life without my father and it took a toll on Mom. And it didn’t help that I was in the picture, considering who I am. Yet when I was with Raze and Dylan, I felt free. I felt invincible for once in my life!
Raze and Dylan weren’t Christians. They didn’t like pop music or chocolate cake. Raze and Dylan didn’t do much of anything really. When we were together we sat on the dock and ate chips, sometimes even brownies. I know it sounds weird but those brownies were the most delicious food in the world, hands down. Actually my hands were never down, they were reaching for another brownie.
One day I had the courage to ask who made the brownies and why they tasted so good. Oh and I could tell you that Raze laughed her face off until she was red! Dylan just kind of snickered.
“It doesn’t matter, they make you feel good right?” Raze said calmly.
I nodded.
“So when you feel sad, have a brownie.” She added.
I couldn’t help but think that was not a good idea. Brownies make people fat and I don’t want to add that to my list of problems. Then I looked at Raze, she wasn’t fat. She was very pretty actually. So then I decided that brownies were ok.
Eventually I got over things, including my dad. I even told the nurse that. I thought everything was going to be ok, I was ripping at the seams. I don’t remember much but I was at school and there was Raze and Dylan. They were fighting this group of jocks, it didn’t look like my friends were winning.
I thought about helping, I really did. The only problem was that I didn’t want my mom to get a call. She’d be extremely sad and I just couldn’t handle that. But a moment later Raze got punched right on her left cheek.
In that moment, I snapped. More than just snapped I was furious! My brain was skipping in what I could see. It was like I was drunk and I blacked out every other minute. I lost control of all of my body. I could remember screaming with a rage that resembled people trying to climb up the walls of hell. They told me that I hit him so hard that he was knocked out. But the punches never stopped. I can think of what people are saying about me. That I was a brutal teenager with voices in my head. But no one told me to do that! I am Josiah Arrington, I do have depression, but I am one person!
That was all I said to my nurse, Karen. Then I told her that they never believed me that was all I could recollect from that day. What I said was sincere, I just didn’t know how to explain that to her. She was the only one who took the time to hear what I had to say.
After the fight was over I was sent to this place called Briar Cliff. There were cobwebs in the ceiling corners and a stench that could never be removed from these walls. But what bothered me the most was that there wasn’t any windows that showed the view of clouds or the sky. They were all barred and the only thing you could see through them was light splotches. In that moment I realized that people could not get better at this place, they could only get worse.
