Escaped Thoughts

[vent] Lies

9.10.16

I kinda hope my friends find this and read it to understand me, but at the same time, I don't want them to read this cause it's embarrassing.

So, I lie a lot. To others, to myself, to everyone. I lie. A lot more than I like to think. A lot more than I like to admit. I lie because I don't like the truth. I'm scared of the truth. I fear the truth. I despise the truth. Yet, at the same time, I only want to hear the truth from people, not the lies. I'm a huge hypocrite aren't I? I lie to others so much without even trying to. I lie to myself so much that sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between what's a lie and what's real. I lie so much I practically live in a fake world, a false life. But I realize that I lie to myself to get away from the unpleasantness of reality. Just a short little vacation of happiness. But when the vacation ends and I return to the real world, I lie to myself again to go back, back to being happy. It's like an addiction, like smoking, I can't stop because it makes me feel good and it greatly damages my health -mentally, socially, and physically. I lie to get away from the bad feelings that constantly knock at my door, to distract myself from the fear of reality, to run away from the consequences, to be happy. That's why I never go anywhere in life, because I lie to myself that everything is okay, that everything is alright and how I want it to be. If I want to move forward in life, I'll have to face the truth head on and do something about it. And of course, the first step, is to stop lying.